Ask Mrs. Linklater

Ask Mrs. Linklater "BLOW LUNCH" Edition

2010-03-09T00:25:00.000-08:00

Mrs. Linklater realizes that some people may have felt shortchanged by the previous entry. By now you must know that she doesn't really give a crap about your feelings, but, since she's trying to impress the people at ChicagoNow, she'll fake it till she makes it. So, in an attempt to give you, her dear and loyal readers, more value for the sticky quarters in your pocket, she takes another crack at Washington Post's paid adviser to anyone who needs to get a life -- Ms. Carolyn Hax and her relationship cartoonist, Nick with the long Greek last name. Just to show that Mrs. L has no hard feelings because she has to work for food free, here's another one of Nick's cartoons that has nothing to do with Ms. Hax's advice:

Dear Carolyn:

   This feels like an absurdly specific question, but it's a kind of question about courtesy that I have sometimes. I'm in college; sometimes, after class, a friend and I have lunch together. Her boyfriend lives near the cafeteria, so my friend tells me to go ahead while she uses the boyfriend's bathroom and fetches him to have lunch with us. The problem is that, often, I've been completely done with my meal by the time they show up. She always apologizes for keeping me waiting, but then it happens again. (I gather that the delays are caused either by spontaneous make-outs or by her coaxing him out of a bad mood to come to lunch.) I find this more annoying than I feel I should.
   My friend is normally the most considerate, courteous person I know; she would be mortified if I told her how cranky I get waiting for her. The thing is, even if I were to bring it up, I have no idea how I'd even phrase it. I don't want to embarrass her by bringing it up spontaneously when the boyfriend is there, but it seems weird to be all planning and calculating to tell her later, "You know how sometimes it takes you a while to get X from his room? I find that irritating." Part of me thinks I should forgive her this one thing, but the other part is repeatedly sitting alone at lunch, wondering when my friend will join me. I cannot believe how much brain real-estate this is taking up, but I just don't know how to handle it.
   Carolyn responds:
Yikes. Next time she tells you to go ahead without her, say, "Why don't you just call him? Otherwise I end up eating alone while I wait." You can also just leave when you finish your lunch.
That's for you. For your friend, if she happens to read this:
1. Stop "coaxing" your boyfriend out of a "bad mood." When you take it upon yourself to manage someone's emotions like that, you might as well be diapering a baby. (Alas, babies eventually grow out of diapers, where big babies often don't outgrow their enablers.)
2. Stop ditching your friend to go make out! Cheez. Either excuse yourself from the lunch date, or skip the boyfriend out of respect for your friend -- who needs to grow a spine, but who also, in the meantime, isn't going to tell you how rude and annoying she finds your little he-tours.

Good heavens, Carolyn, Mrs. Linklater is aghast. Have you ever noticed how "aghast" kind of looks like what it means? Sort of scary and appalled. "Agh" even sounds painful. And "ghast" is almost like ghost. Cosmic. Don't you think? No? Well, clearly Mrs. L is somewhat off topic and she doesn't want to waste any more of her dear and loyal readers' time. Has she referred to those of you who can read as "dear and loyal" enough, yet?
   Back to hammering at the sad and pathetic advice of Carolyn Hax. [Hey, she's got an "ax" in her name.] Mrs. Linklater can't help but notice that Ms. Hax refuses to leave well enough alone. She spreads her advice around like mayonnaise at a picnic, insisting on sharing what passes for wisdom to not just one, but both of these ditzy coeds. While you're at it, how about telling the boyfriend he's a dick? Might as well include everyone.
   Okay, let's get this over with. Dear College Girl Who Doesn't Know What To Say To Her Friend When She Asks Her To Go To Lunch And Then Leaves Her Alone So She Can Fart Around With Her Boyfriend And Use His Bathroom -- the next time you get an invite "JUST SAY NO!!!"
   Sometimes Mrs. Linklater is the soul of brevity. Other times, not so much.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "TATS ON YOUR BACK" Edition

2010-03-08T23:17:00.000-08:00

Mrs. Linklater had hoped to announce that she had been chosen as one of the 4000 columnists at ChicagoNow, but, n-o-o-o-o, that's not going to happen anytime soon. Apparently she has to start posting in a more regular manner. More than every five weeks or so. Well, same to you, bitch. Geez. It sure ain't easy bein' me.

But instead of crying in her Mrs. H.S. Ball's South African peach chutney, Mrs. Linklater will simply tough it out like the semi-professional she is.
Shake it off, Mrs. L.

All right, let's do this. Today Mrs. Linklater takes on Carolyn Hax who writes for the Washington Post. Ms. Hax is such a fancy advice maven that she also has her own "relationship cartoonist." Who knew? Apparently he draws things that have no relevance to the advice Ms. Hax is handing out.

This seems to be an annoyed person checking the time.

Dear Carolyn:

   Please help me figure out what to say to my sister, who got a tattoo yesterday. I have two myself, so I have no problem with tattoos. However, hers is HUGE. Big-black-lettering-on-her-back huge. I think it's awful but she loves it and keeps asking, "Isn't it great? Don'tcha love it?" My only response thus far is, "Wow, it's bigger than I imagined."
     Carolyn responds:
"You love it, right?" [She presumably says yes.] "Then that's awesome." Or, "It's a real statement." Or, "I love how happy you are."
Find a happy truth, then repeat as needed.

Mrs. Linklater steps up to the plate, takes a couple of swings and hits one out of the park:
     Ya know Carolyn, that advice just plain sucks.

   Okay, we're done here.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "Cheating Bastards" Edition

2010-01-21T09:52:00.000-08:00

Can't sleep? This book is better than Ambien.

Mrs. Linklater thinks there should be new categories created for the Big Book of Clever Names Psychiatrists Like to Call Your Crazy Uncle Bob, more formally known as the DSM [Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders]. Why not get rid of arcane multi-syllabic descriptors like "schizophrenogenic" and use more familiar, family friendly terms? How about categories like Dicks, Schmucks and Mofos? With subheads that could include Cheating Bastards, Lying Bastards, Thieving Bastards, and in the Quentin Tarantino edition -- wait for it -- Inglourious Basterds. What? I can't make jokes?

Today's advice abomination, which will be hosed down soon, is about a classic case of liar liar pants on fire. Mrs. Linklater found it languishing at Dear Margo. Margo, in case you don't know, is Ann Landers' daughter. She's also Dear Abby's niece. [Mrs. L is referring to the original Dear Abby, not the current Dear Abby, because the current Dear Abby is the former Dear Abby's daughter, which makes her Margo's cousin].
Abby and Ann were sisters, identical twins, in fact, until Ann went and got a nosejob. Anyhoo, Margo has been married four times, maybe five, but who's counting? Mrs. Linklater likes to mention these things so you can estimate within a couple of inches the quality of expertise you're getting. But what the heck. It's free.

DEAR MARGO: I’ll bet you’ve heard this before, but it’s a first for me. While putting away my husband’s laundry, I came across a packet of letters shoved into the back corner of his drawer. They were in a rubber band, without envelopes. These were definitely love letters — some with lipstick kiss prints at the bottom, but not signed with a name. Because of a few references, I know they are relatively recent. None of them, however, referred to my husband by name, merely as "Darling" or "Babycakes." I decided against pretending I had not discovered them and handed the packet to my husband when he came home from work. He seemed quite nonplussed, then said they had nothing to do with him … that he was merely "keeping them for a friend." And I told him I was Marie of Rumania. I need to get to the bottom of this and would like your opinion as to whether I am jumping to conclusions. — HOPPING MAD

DEAR HOP: It would be a safe bet with a bookie that the conclusions you are jumping to are the correct ones. His excuse is on par with trying to convince you that a dinosaur died, standing up, in the museum of natural history. I would love to help your husband out and spare you some grief, but to quote Thoreau, "Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk." What you don’t know is whether there is a flirt going on or a full-fledged affair. I suggest you invite him to reconsider his explanation, cough up the truth and then decide, together, what this means for your marriage. You may find that a professional, neutral third party should be the "referee." Good luck. — MARGO, PERSUASIVELY

Mrs. Linklater, cleverly, points out to Margo that once you find a trout in the milk, size doesn't matter. It all smells fishy.
   "Honey, I found a pile of love letters in your drawer all covered with lip prints. Is she a pen-pal or are you slipping your tubesocks into some hi-de-ho's groove thang?"
   "What do you mean by 'groove'?"
Margo, any guy stupid enough to think he can hide stuff in his sock drawer and then lie about it needs a major dose of Tough Love, Mrs. Linklater style. Here it is:
   Divorce his sorry butt.
     "Babycakes" has violated Mrs. Linklater's three strike rule.
   Strike One: He cheated. Strike Two: He lied about it. Strike Three: He's so arrogant he couldn't be bothered to hide the evidence in a place where you would never find it.
   The marriage is over. No matter how many fess ups, meaningful talks and neutral third parties you hire.
   UNLESS. . .

   Unless he can actually return the love letters to the 'friend' he claimed he was keeping them for. Hand them over in your presence. In front of witnesses. Preferably at your attorney's office. On videotape [for the reality show].
   In an attempt to appear fair and balanced, Mrs. Linklater has learned there might be a chance of that happening. But it's in small type and she can't read it. Something about Donald Trump's hair.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "DR. PHIL" Edition

2010-01-13T09:48:00.000-08:00

Fasten your seat belts, this one is the motherlode.
   Mrs. Linklater is loathe to admit this publicly, but, uh, she likes all things Dr. Phil. Mrs. L likes his show, his kids, his wife, the whole nine yards. Even after he came clean about his alcoholic dad and his early marriage. All good. Except for one thing. That lame mustache. How's it working for you, big guy? Yeah, that's what YOU think. Not working for me. AT ALL. Never has, never will. [Especially after a picture of Dr. Phil's bare-naked face appeared on national television and it was obvious that he looks 100 percent better without it.]
   Mrs. Linklater thinks he should also shave off what little hair is left on his chrome dome, but she has learned to fight one battle at a time. Or at least wait until she has better ammo. And air support.
   Despite her prejudice against Dr. Phil's continued pursuit of things hirsute, Mrs. L doesn't think his advice stinks. And she's been trying to find something stupid he said for years. Really and truly. But so far, nothing.
   Until now. For the first time EVER, Mrs. Linklater has found a chink in the good doctor's armor. You may not be aware, but besides his show, Dr. Phil is a regular contributor to O Magazine, i.e., the world according to Oprah.
   At the end of each article, Mrs. Linklater discovered that the Philmeister writes something called "The Script of the Month." This is a speech he constructs for the terminally tongue-tied to say to an asshole who is making life a living hell.
   That's when Mrs. Linklater realized she'd found Dr. Phil's Achilles' heel. In fact, as she was getting out of bed that morning, she stood up and said -- while smiling like Jack Nicholson that time he stuck his head through the door in The Shining --"Ahaaaaaa! Gotcha!" [Actually, he said "Here's Johnny!" But you get the idea.]
   Ever the polite adversary, Mrs. Linklater lets Dr. Phil go first [as if he had a choice]. In the November, 2009 issue of O, he attempts to help someone "Confronting A Rude Friend." A distressed reader writes:
   "I have a friend who often makes cutting remarks to me. Our husbands and children are friends, so avoiding her would likely just alienate me. For a while I thought she was jealous because I have a successful career and she didn't have a job. But she has worked for the past year, and her treatment toward me has worsened. The arrogant things that come out of her mouth leave me at a loss for words, but then later I fixate on what my reply should have been. I spend sleepless nights obsessing over my inability to tell her off. Please help."

Here's Dr. Phil's Script of the Month about dealing with bullies:
   I have something to talk to you about, and I want you to hear me out before you respond. For some reason, you have given yourself permission to act rude, crude, and condescending toward me, and I don't know why.
   What I do know is that I will not accept it from you for one more day. I can't expect you to change if I don't tell you how I feel, so that's what I'm doing now. You may disagree, and that's okay. But you need to understand that you are going to treat me with dignity or you're not going to treat me any way at all.
   I believe that when people show your kind of behavior, it's really based on pain and fear. If that's the case with you, I'm willing to talk to you about the underlying issue or to support you in anyway I can. But I am not willing to allow you to continue to abuse me. If you want to think about what I'm saying and respond when you're comfortable, that is fine with me. If you want to respond now -- without being abusive, then I'm happy to listen. And if you'd just like to declare this the end of our friendship, then so be it. If that's the case, I recognize it will also affect the relationship between our families, and I'm sorry for that. But our relationship as we have known it is over. My hope is that we can define a new one, but that's up to you. I await your response.

Mrs. Linklater is sure everybody thinks that's got to be one helluva good script because Dr. Phil wrote it. Sorry, tongue-tied breath. First, it's too damned long. Second, it misses the point. Third, it's -- well, you get the idea. See what you think after Mrs. Linklater's has HER way with that freaking bully:
   Here's Mrs. L's first suggestion: WRITE AN EMAIL OR A LETTER. Think about it -- if you get tongue-tied, why are you TALKING to a bully when you're just going to freeze up again? Duh. TALK. LATER. With a letter/email you can put down the words exactly the way you want them. TALK. LATER. With a letter/email, there's no time wasted dealing with blowback. And you can both read what you wrote over and over again because it's all down in black and white.
   Something like this for instance:
Dear Pusface Annoying Bully,
Our husbands are good friends. Our children are good friends. But I will no longer consider you a friend until the following changes in your unacceptable behavior toward me have been made:
From now on, listen to yourself. Listen to what you say to me the moment it comes out of your mouth.
I'm tired of your insults, arrogance, and abuse.
I do not want to hear anything negative.
I do not want to be ridiculed, belittled or made the butt of your jokes.
I do not want to listen to any more snide remarks about my career, my family, my clothes, my car, my house, my education, my cooking -- anything.
If there is nothing nice to say to me or about me, keep your mouth shut.
On the other hand, I do want and need your support and encouragement. I like compliments as much as the next person.
If you can do this, I can consider friendship with you again.
But if the cruel and unnecessary comments do not stop, I will not speak to you anymore.
Have a nice day.

Dr. Phil keeps missing the point in his script. He talks about expressing feelings, but then he doesn't. Instead he makes whiny accusations: ". . .you are going to treat me with dignity or you are not going to treat me at all, blah blah blah, rinse and repeat."
   Come on, Dr. Phil, psychology 101 -- YOU messages just make a bully defensive, "Huh? Whaddya mean? I do so treat you with with dignity, just like I treat all the other bitches around here." "No you don't." "Yes I do."
   He also wastes a bunch of time with psychobabble stuff like  "I believe that when people show your kind of behavior, it's really based on pain and fear." Seriously, Dr. Phil, the time for empathy is over. Who gives a crap WHY these people are acting like jerks? The idea is to stop them once and for all. And the way to do that is to TELL them SPECIFICALLY what they're doing wrong. Most bullies are so emotionally clueless they often don't realize what they've done, until you lay it out one point at a time, the way the lovely Mrs. Linklater does in her far more useful script, which she summarizes this way:
   "Say one more obnoxious thing to me and you die."
   So, GAME OVER. This one goes to the charming and intelligent Mrs. Linklater. FINAL SCORE: Mrs. L, 1. Dr. Phil, O. Except for one thing.
   Mrs. Linklater also realizes that both she and Dr. Phil are just kidding themselves with their attempts to change behavior using a cockamammy script. Because here's how the actual conversation would take place:
   *ring* *ring*
Bully: Hello.
Victim: Hello, Bully.
Bully: Oh, it's my favorite victim. What do you want? I'm too busy for one of your boring conversations.
Victim: I'm not boring. I'd like to talk about how you treat me.
Bully: Oh, please, I treat you like you deserve to be treated, loser.
Victim: I'm not a loser and I don't like being treated like one.
Bully: Loser, loser, loser.
Victim: Dammit, stop calling me names.
Bully: Like that's going to happen anytime soon.
Victim: Please, don't say mean things to me any more.
Bully: You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
Victim: Please don't do that.
Bully: Who's going to stop me. You? Haaaaaa.
Victim: [STARTS TO CRY}
Bully: Oh boo hoo, you crybaby.
Victim: [SOBBING]
Bully: Seriously. You are such a waste of time.
[HANGS UP]
Victim: [SNIFFLING, WIPES TEARS, SCREAMS INTO THE PHONE]: ASSHOLE!!!! Hah. So there.

And so it goes. Another day. Another interpersonal triumph. A world without Mrs. Linklater is like a world without those colored sprinkles on your donuts.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "DON'T TREAT ME LIKE AN 8-YEAR-OLD" Edition

2010-01-12T09:52:00.000-08:00

From time to time even Mrs. Linklater becomes overwhelmed by the EEEEEWWWWWW Factor. Occasionally she discovers an advice column travesty that is so out of whack, so blatantly inappropriate, or just so gross that even she refuses to touch it with a stick. This, however, is not one of those times. Nope. This is just another day at Dear Abby, now written by her daughter, Dear Blabby. To clean up the mess, Mrs. L slips on a pair of latex gloves, steps into her freshly pressed Hazmat suit and wades into the middle of this flaming pile of shinola, but only after the Blabmeister has had her chance to muck up everything first. You go girl!!!

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 15-year-old girl whose parents treat me like an 8-year-old. They not only refuse to let me see any movie that isn't G-rated, but they still cut my meat for me! Once a week we go to the park, and they still push me on the swings.
   I don't want to tell them it's embarrassing because I'm afraid I'll hurt their feelings. Please tell me how to convey to my parents that I'm not a child anymore. -- OLD ENOUGH IN VIRGINIA

DEAR OLD ENOUGH: Your parents mean well, but children who are overprotected to the extent you have been often become stunted in their development. Teens do not learn social skills and how to make appropriate choices when they are "supervised" to the extent you are.
   Tell your parents that you love them, but in three years you will be 18 and an adult. Explain that you know they love you, but if you are not allowed some freedom now, then you will be behind your peers because of your inexperience when you have reached an age when you'll be expected to make wise choices. Remind them that even children half your age are sufficiently coordinated that they can cut the food on their plates, and you would appreciate their allowing you to get some practice.
   If this doesn't help them let go, then ask another adult to help you deliver the message.

* THWACK * Mrs. Linklater slaps Dear Flabbablabba upside the back of her head like Leroy Jethro Gibbs smacks DiNozzo on NCIS.  Helloo-o-o-o-o?!? She's FIF-FREAKING-TEEN and her parents STILL cut her meat into little pieces? And what's with swinging her on the swings? Do they make her wear diapers and Winnie the Pooh jammies, too? I smell Children and Family Services. All of which begs the question -- do her parents treat her like an eight year old because she's the SIZE of an eight year old? Regardless, even if she's tiny, she's got fifteen years of vocabulary. "Mom, I realize that my knife and fork skills may not be up to your exacting standards, but touch my meat one more time and I will stab you." [Mrs. Linklater says you can interpret "meat" any way you want.]

   Frankly, whether this young woman is full-sized or pint-sized, Mrs. Linklater hasn't been this creeped out since that whole Pee Wee's Playhouse debacle. In fact, if her rapidly diminishing memory serves, Mrs. L was almost six feet tall when she herself was fifteen -- taller than her mother AND her father. What is it about NO, I'd rather do it myself that these people don't understand?
   On the chance that this girl looks remotely like an average fifteen year old female [if you catch Mrs. Linklater's thinly veiled reference to her nobbulas], she shouldn't be asking for more freedom, please, the way Abbablabba naively suggests. As if parents who slice your meat when you're fifteen might actually be considered within the normal limits of ANYTHING.
   This girl should be demanding barbed wire boundaries between herself and those truly icky people. Ptui.
   AND -- in Mrs. Linklater's humble opinion, the only adults she should be going to for help ought to be locked and loaded.
   Boy, it sure feels good when Mrs. L can bring loved ones together.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "HOT OR NOT" Edition

2010-01-08T06:35:00.000-08:00

Apparently, Mrs. Linklater took 2009 off.
Seeking truth, justice, and a place to lie down for the night, Mrs. Linklater searches the internet for advice column train wrecks she can fix. Today she practically drove into one on her first try. And it's about everyone's favorite topic: the ridiculously high price of milk. Kidding. Today's entry is about the only topic that needs no translation into or out of another language, the universal joint of all earthly communication -- SEX. The fuel that keeps relationships on the road. Or off the road, depending on how tanked you are.

Ripped from the headlines at TALES FROM THE FRONT

Dear Cheryl,

When my fiance and I first began dating, we were hot for one another. I'm still hot for him, but he's turning cold. I hate to jump the gun and assume he's playing around, but he's so disinterested in sex. I'm no nympho, but ...

I'm 30; he's 27. You'd think he'd be at the peak of his prime, but he acts like an old man! I understand he has to wake up at 4 a.m. for work, but he can stay out until midnight with his buddies. That doesn't make sense to me! When I confront him, he says I'm "starting" with him on purpose! What could be his problem? Help me before I do something rash. — STILL HOT HE'S NOT

Dear STILL HOT HE'S NOT,

Do something rash. Give him back his ring. If you're sexually incompatible now, it's not going to get better. If you're not happy now, you'll be miserable later. Consider yourself lucky that you found out before you married him.

Mrs. Linklater jumps up, knocking over that thing you dry your underwear on. Stop the presses!! Or whatever they stop these days, now that no one reads the papers. Mrs. L is trying to get a grip. She's laughing at Cheryl's answer -- in that fake, over the top, exaggerated way you laugh when you think something is so ignorant, you can't believe anybody said it. Hardy har har har. Uh-oh, careful not to soil yourself, Mrs. L.

Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl!!! You are SOOOOOOOO old school. Whadya mean, "Do something rash. . .Give him back his ring"? What planet have you been living on? Do you really think that because this young woman claims to be some bozo's "fiance" that she is in actual possession of a ring? Mrs. Linklater is referring to the kind you put on a finger, as opposed to say, the kind you have to wash out of a bathrub.

These days the best way a guy can get some babe to live with him is to let her pretend they're engaged. Here's how the conversation goes: "I'll only live with you if we're engaged." "Yeah, okay, sure."

She gets to play house, even have babies. He gets regular noogie and hot meals. Plus nights out with the guys. There's no ring involved. Seriously. Even rich guys don't have to fork out the bling to get thirty something females, whose eggs are closing in on their freshness date, to buy into this little arrangement. And you can rest assured that a 27-year-old mope who has to get up at 4:00 AM for work sure isn't making the kind of money that can purchase his bitch sweetums poopsie a valuable token of his love and affection.

So, NO, Cheryl, there won't be a ring to throw at his sorry ass. Pans maybe. A Dutch oven, even better. Unfortunately, if she's still HOT for him but he's NOT for her anymore, the best these diva moments can lead to is makeup sex. Mrs. L likes to call these ONE OFFS. One time and off. He knows it'll shut her up for a few more days. Even weeks. "Maybe he still cares for me after all."

This guy's biggest problem is that he is spoiled. She's made his life easy. If she wants to make a statement, Mrs. Linklater suggests she announce, "I'm moving out tomorrow." She may even get some break up sex before heading out the door. But she can't just move down the street, she has to move out of town.

Amazing what a wake up call "hasta la bye bye" can be. You can thank me later. Ooops, gotta go, there's a can of tuna with Mrs. Linklater's name on it.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "CHARLTON HESTON" Edition

2008-05-29T15:25:00.000-07:00

Mrs. Linklater makes her usual apology for taking her slow, sweet time getting back here to napalm the wing-dings who call themselves advice columnists. But lately she's been on a personal crusade to rid the world of dryer lint and she just got back from the landfill.

Needless to say, the more things change, the more things stay the same. Usually it's the answers that drive Mrs. L to run screaming from the room. This time it was the world's stupidest QUESTION that caused Mrs. Linklater to spew milk through her nose and accidentally fart when she burped afterward. Not pretty.

To make matters worse, Abba Dabba's reply was almost as lame as the questions. So sit back, relax, and watch Ms. Cranky Pants work her magic at no cost to you.

DEAR ABBY: For most of my life I have parted my hair on the right. I am now being told that men should part their hair on the left. Is there are correct side for men?

HARRY W., MORRO BAY, CALIF.

DEAR HARRY: I relayed your question to my hair design consultant, Bob Cox. According to Bob, people naturally have a cowlick [or "whorl"] on one side of their scalp from which the hair growth pattern emerges. [Some people have two, although one is usually stronger than the other.] This is what determines which way the hair will naturally fall when it is parted.

Bob went on to relate the story of a client who had recently been referred to him. The gentleman had been going to his former barber for 15 years, and for 15 years his h air had never been easy to manage. Over the last couple of years, the problem had become so bad that his wife had to help him part his hair in the morning.

Bob took one look and realized the former barber had been parting the man's hair on the wrong side, which had been causing it to stick up. The problem was resolved with one appointment.

Abby

Mrs. Linklater pulls the lever on her polyester plaid LA Z BOY and launches herself into the upright and locked position. That's so she can take a deep breath of air before she shouts:

You've got to be sheeting me!!!

Someone has actually asked an advice maven what side of his hair he should part it on? What's next? Which finger should he use to find boogers? Which hand should hold the tissue that wipes his butt? Which armpit should he check for B.O.?

No doubt, in an attempt to prevent lawsuits, Abby can't just ignore Harry, who was dumb enough to sign his name and the town where he lives. She calls in a hair design consultant named Bob. Bob, in case you were wondering, is not a person who styles hair for a living. That would be a hair stylist. Bob is the person who stands behind the hair stylists and advises them where to put a part. Imagine, a person who gets to spend his entire professional career giving advice about which side of your head is the best side for splitting hairs.

Excuse me, is the Apocalypse here or is this just a rehearsal?

Whatever happened to parting your hair on the left if you're lefthanded? And parting your hair on the right if you're righthanded? Or, if you've got a cowlick, you can just comb your hair straight back and it will make its own part for you.

Sheesh, next time could you people wait until Mrs. Linklater is done napping before you insist on annoying her with this stuff

Ask Mrs. Linklater "YOU'RE GROUNDED" Edition

2007-05-28T07:45:00.000-07:00

Refreshed and relaxed after her recent stint in lockdown, the cloying and annoying beyotch makes one of her rare and scary public appearances. Wait, here she comes now. . .

Mrs. Linklater gets off the sofa to microwave a slice of last night's pizza and spill YooHoo on Dear Abby's column. This one in today's Chicago Tribune is a beaut:

Dear Abby: I am a 14-year-old girl. I have this boyfriend I have been dating for a month. His name is "Travis," and he is 15 -- almost 16. Travis has had other girlfriends before me, but he said that nothing happened between them. He calls me about four times a week, and I talk to him at school daily. He keeps giving me the impression that he wants to move our relationship further.

When I told one of Travis' closest friends, I was informed that he had said that to the last three girls he had. So now I suspect that he has had sexual relationships with all of them. I would do anything for Travis, and he would do the same for me. But I am not sure I want to have sex with him -- at least not yet.

My sister, "Tess," who is dating one of my friends, told me to just go along with it. But I don't know if I would be doing the right thing. I want Travis to be happy, but I don't want to get hurt in the process. Please help.

-- Lost and Confused in Lake Charles

Dear Lost And Confused: Travis may be the nicest boy in the world, but look at the last three girls he "had." He's not with any of them, is he? That means your boyfriend has a short attention span, and more than a girlfriend, he wants a challenge.

Please do not listen to your sister's advice and "go along with it" to make him "happy." There are three sad girls standing in the background who tried to make him happy. I predict that trio will soon become a Greek chorus, and you do not want to be part of that crowd. Strictly limit your "alone time" with him.

Dear Lost and Confused:

Mrs. Linklater hates to say this, but the Ab-meister has a point -- "Please do not listen to your sister's advice." No shit. Your sister Tess sounds like she's just three condoms short of a gang bang. By the way, do you girls have PARENTS? You know, the people who give you direction and warn you about the lies lies and more lies that teen aged boys and the men they become will fabricate to get you to make them feel "happy." Or should I say, make "Mr. Happy" feel happy?

Mrs. Linklater predicts that Travis picked your sorry ass out of the lineup because nobody's home after school. An empty house is as good as the back seat of a 1967 Buick Riviera parked in the woods. While we're at it, if Travis the wonder boy ever looks at you with his baby blues and actually has the balls to say that those other girls meant nothing to him, listen carefully -- because he's saying you mean nothing to him either. Now go to your room, you're grounded for life.

Note to ABBY -- "Greek chorus"? Oblique references to 2000 year old plays is just confusing to hormone poisoned teenagers.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "TACKY TACKY TACKY" Edition

2007-01-18T10:42:00.000-08:00

Mrs. Linklater hasn't ridiculed any advice ladies over here at her warm and cozy second home on Blogspot since September or so. Is she sick? Dead? Out of town? No, I'm still here.

So, in an attempt to shake her out of her doldrums, a concerned relative sent this Dear Abby advice travesty to Mrs. L., hoping to get her back into the fray. Or at least the mud wrestling.

As usual she graciously lets her readers digest this abomination for themselves before the outspoken Mrs. Linklater gets to take a crack at Flabby Abby herself. Feel free to leave your own opinions regarding Abby's shocking suggestion for retaliation.

September 13, 2006

Dear Abby: There's a man in our community I'll call "Uncle Harry." Uncle Harry is in his mid-70s and considers himself one of the finest Christians in the area. Many of us, however, know this to be an exaggeration.

The main problem with Uncle Harry is his insistence on hugging almost all the women he comes in contact with. These "hugs" are not chaste, loose hugs about the shoulders. Uncle Harry insists on bear hugs, where he puts both arms around the woman and presses her breasts against his chest. Occasionally, his hands will also drift to the area of the buttocks.

Several women have complained, and family members have cautioned Uncle Harry about his behavior. He will stop temporarily, and then start up again in a few days. He has convinced himself that all these women want to hug him, but I have seen the expressions on the faces of some of his hug victims, and most are not at all happy. The women are hesitant to complain because Uncle Harry's wife IS one of the finest Christians in the area.

What can be done about Uncle Harry? I see him as a sexual predator, but he insists his hugs are just an example of his fine Christian fellowship. — No Hugs, Please, in Alabama

Dear No Hugs, Please: Because the complaints have been ignored, a dose of aversion therapy might dampen the ardor of lecherous Uncle Harry. I recommend that the ladies who are offended by his behavior form a "united front." By this I mean, agree to put thumb tacks in your brassieres (facing outward, of course) when you know you'll be seeing him. I predict that if you do, he will hug you less enthusiastically from then on.

[REDNESS caused by Mrs. L's blood pressure rising]

Seriously, any woman who objects to Uncle Harry's "hugs" needs to open her mouth and tell him so in no uncertain terms. Enough is enough.

Mrs. Linklater locks and loads her cannon:

Dear Abby, titular tacks? Oh, you were just kidding? Tsk tsk, Ab, you shouldn't make jokes about that kind of retaliation, because there are women out there who will take your suggestion and try it at home.

By the way, tacks aren't nearly as effective as nine inch nails.

Abby says to "tell him. . .in no uncertain terms."

Tell him what, Abby? "No, thanks, I don't want a hug"? Harry's the kind of guy who'll just grab your ass anyway. Clearly he's not responding to the subtle hints of pure disgust and utter revulsion these women are sending out.

Mrs. Linklater doesn't usually advocate physical violence, but some guys need more encouragement than others.

Her personal choice for keeping away men who think they have an inalienable right to hug you, is one she recommends only if you have the courage to raise your voice. But be careful, since "GET THE F**K AWAY FROM ME!!" can empty a stadium if not modulated properly.

On the other hand, if your voice lacks volume, you can whisper into his ear, "TOUCH ME AND YOU DIE!"

Hallelujah! Mrs. Linklater positively rejoices when she can help rid the world of one more sexual predator in clergyman clothes.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "PARENT POWER" Edition

2006-09-23T23:45:00.000-07:00

Mrs. Linklater is painfully aware that she has neglected to mount any recent attacks on the Advice Ladies of America, but re-hab's been a bitch, so sue her.

Alrighty then, let's get out the sharp stick and start poking one of those babbling babes in the eye. Just like riding a bike. Once you get the pedals moving, it's like old times.

Mrs. Linklater, in her infinite wisdom, understands that each generation has its own set of rules. For instance, hers started out requiring hats, white gloves, and a strand of pearls on dates. Then ended up doing drugs in a meadow, stark naked, with roadies for the Rolling Stones. Times change, but parents remain the same. Someone has to act as a reality check during the shakedown period called growing the hell up, when raging hormones can be hazardous to a young person's health. Not to mention anyone standing close enough to get sprayed.

August 24, 2006
Dear Prudence
What do you do when values clash? I know it's up to my husband and me to set the standards in our house, and we always have, but we now have a problem. Our teenage son (17) has started going out with his first girlfriend. He badgers us to let her stay overnight in our house, but we've said no and explained that as long as he is in high school, we don't approve of having him bring home girlfriends overnight. There were a few tantrums in which we were accused of "living in the 19th century" and then a long period of the silent treatment. Meanwhile, he has found a way around the problem. His girlfriend's parents offer to let him stay with them overnight, anytime. We feel they are encouraging our son to disregard the values in our family—something he is very happy to do—and are very upset about their interference. I think we should approach the girlfriend's family about it, but my husband is against that.
—Old-Fashioned

Dear Old,
Some parents feel that as long as behavior they don't entirely approve of is taking place under their roof—underage drinking, taping sessions of Girls Gone Wild—they are in control of it. But these two teenagers are minors, and you have an obligation to set the standards for your son's behavior. He makes quite a case for his maturity: He throws a tantrum, then pouts. As for you, what's the point of having old-fashioned values if you're not going to enforce them? You need to have a talk with the girl's parents. Don't be either defensive or self-righteous; just say your son is not allowed to sleep at their house. Yes, your son will be angry, but what you are doing is not just for now, but for when he is a parent and can draw on the lessons you taught him about standing firm. However, since it is obvious your son has become sexually active, you must have a blunt discussion with him about the necessity of always using birth control. You certainly don't want him to start using your valuable parenting lessons in his senior year of high school.
-- Prudie

Sheesh. Mrs. Linklater is having flashbacks. Why is it, the more things change the more they remain the same? Has there ever been a hormone poisoned kid who didn't want privileges without any of the responsibilities? And taking out the garbage doesn't count. Come on Ma, lemme jump my girlfriend, all the other kids are doing it.

Prudie's trying so hard to help here. Mom and Dad definitely have to have a pow wow with the parents of the girlfriend. But their kid needs more than a finger shaking in his face. Or his pathetic parents pleading with him to be reasonable. He needs Mrs. Linklater's big damn frying pan upside the head.

Okay, Junior, here's the deal: no sleepovers while you are in high school. Period. Not even with your "buddies." In exchange you can live in our house and we will provide you with food, clothing, and let you use the car, as long as you're also home when we tell you, clean up your room and do your chores.

If you insist on sleeping with your girlfriend at her house against our wishes, you owe us $200 a month rent and you're on your own for food and transportation. As for doing your laundry and buying those new jeans you wanted? Sorry, they're not included. Oh, and remember how you wanted to go to college? Not on our dime. Hope the sex is worth it.

By the way Mom and Dad, if Junior turns eighteen during all this, remind him that he can be arrested for all kinds of stuff depending on how far he travels and how young his girlfriend is. If you don't rat him out, Mrs. Linklater will be happy to oblige.

Have a nice day.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "MEET THE FOOKERS" Edition

2006-08-09T07:42:00.000-07:00

Mrs. Linklater is jumping for JOY. That means a leap of about an inch off the ground. She's a woman and she's white. Mrs. L, while on another mission, found yet another advice maven to rassle, again thanks to a link from Chris at Random Thoughts and Ramblings -- sorry I don't do links here because I CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW -- OKAY?!!! Anywho this new babe is in Washington D.C. And another blogger, a Mr. RedSneakz -- again no link, but you could Google the guy -- sez he agrees with her as much as he disagrees with her. So that would be what? A ringing endorsement for HALF the time? Outa my way. Lemme at her!!!

Dear Carolyn:

I have been dating Phillip for eight months. I am 29, 5 feet 10, and the smallest person in my immediate family. He is 5 feet 6 and looks a lot younger than his age (30). Yet, he is my soul mate.

Even though I told my family Phillip was small and looked young, they were shocked when they saw him. They immediately started to tease and play jokes on him; he reacted very well and laughed. More than once he looked at me, but I said nothing. I have always been a little intimidated by my parents (long story).

After a full day, Phillip told them nicely that he was getting tired of being a target. My family stopped for about 20 minutes and then started again.

Also, he had been reluctant to meet my family because he felt he would be a burden; he is a strict vegetarian because of a digestive problem. I convinced him that my family would not mind. My brother and his wife brought a casserole over that they said was vegetarian. Another joke on him! Twenty minutes later Phillip had stomach cramps, 10 minutes later we called the ambulance. The casserole had meat in it. Everyone just assumed his aversion to meat was ethical, and my family doesn't understand why anyone would have an ethical reason for not eating meat.

My family feels really terrible about what happened. They blame Phillip and me for not explaining his dietary restriction, but offered to pay the co-insurance for his medical bills. He turned down the offer, saying he blames himself for staying when my family was abusive.

That remark really hurt me. That's not my family! He then told me that he expected his life partner would defend and protect him, and that he lost respect for me. I think he is unforgiving, and he says I need to get my head out of the fog (actually a part of my anatomy).

R.C.

He's 5 feet 6, "yet" he is your soul mate?

Run, Phillip, run.

"Abusive" is your family exactly. It's a breeding ground for bullies. You don't seem domineering yourself -- maybe because you've been bullied by everyone else. But while you admit to being intimidated by your parents, you aren't able to admit to yourself yet that taunting someone is oppressive, deciding which diet restrictions to respect is arrogant, and mocking someone's genetic outcome is just cruel -- and that these represent the values you call home.

Indeed, you aren't yet sure you don't subscribe to these values yourself. Some vegetarians are more worthy than others? "Yet, he is my soul mate"?

It's notoriously hard to see one's family clearly. It can take time, trauma, both; it can elude you in spite of these. It can be painful. Obviously you love these people.

But when your myopia causes obvious anguish and a ride in the screaming white bus, it's time to get your head out of the fog. I think Phillip has shown willingness to forgive just by giving you a chance to grow up and see his point. Now grow up and see his point. (An apology would be swell, too.) Just be careful; bullies are your comfort zone. You don't want to break with one only to serve another.

Mrs. Linklater gets out her Kevlar. She wants to start at the BEGINNING -- which is where this all went wrong.

When she hears that one loved one is going to meet the other loved one's family for the FIRST TIME, she always asks the same question: ARE YOU NUTS? HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND? Okay, that's two questions.

Mrs. Linklater speaks from too many years of experience. Finally she's learned. She knows she's in trouble the moment she hears "Wait till you meet my Mom!"

Because the first time you meet the family is almost always THE ONLY TIME. It often means the END of your time together.

Are you ready to give up having regular sex? Then don't go.
Are you ready to give up having regular sex? [That's right Mrs. Linklater repeated the question in case you missed it the first time.]

DON'T GO.

In case you think that sex isn't everything, just wait until it's gone.

No matter how normal you think your family is on any given day, on the day your loved one meets them they will act like complete idiots. Your mother will call your loved one by your ex's name. Your father will too. But only after he insults sweetums poopsie's 1) religion 2) politics 3) career 4) car and, 5) ethnic heritage.

Read Mrs. Linklater's collagen inflated lips: DON'T GO!

Your little brother will fart. You little sister will stare. Your grandmother will use her cane to poke poke poke them in the butt. If you have a neutered dog, he will hump their leg. Your friendly, sweet cat will bite them.

In Phillip's case -- the family started by "joking" about his height. This led to messing around with his food. And finally , they almost killed him.

When meeting the family, remember death is always an option.

Of course, YOU will be helpless to prevent anything. YOU will stand around like a dope because you know this is just a bad dream and it will end soon.

But what's really going to END is your relationship as you knew it. Remember those Sunday mornings in bed? Those Saturday nights on the stairway of a club? Those weekends on the beach? Those holidays in front of the fireplace? Those afternoons at work when you closed the door to your office?

Not any more. Not after they meet your family.

So if you value your sex life -- just say NO.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "CAN'T GET IT UP" Edition

2006-06-18T08:27:00.000-07:00

Mrs. Linklater has learned that there are three truths in any troubled relationship. 1) Nothing is ever your fault. 2) You are the understanding one. 3) They just don't get it. Especially when it comes to sex. And isn't that what everything comes down to between a man and a woman -- sex or no sex?

PUBLISHED June 12, 2006 Chicago Sun-Times

DEAR ELLIE: I'm 55, and I'm dating a 50-year-old who can't really have sex. So when he can't get it going he blames me!

He says I'm too aggressive in bed, but I'm not: I'm sensual. Or I stop, as I have a 20-year-old who might walk in. So I have to know where we're at before we start anything.

We have a great time when we hang out. I'm very jealous -- I'm working on that. I really don't look much older than him, but he does look at other women. I know he'd rather be with someone 35, but in reality he can't even handle someone 55.

I told him we should chill for a while, but I miss him. Please tell me what to do.

--ISSUES

DEAR ISSUES: Chilling will only give you shivers, when it's goose bumps from sex that you really want. You need to talk to your guy about your mutual intentions.

If you want to be together and also have an intimate relationship, you both need to make changes. He has to stop blaming you and see if there's any medical or other cause for his not "getting it going." You have to learn to enjoy the cuddling and foreplay, and arrange some private time when your adult child is either definitely not home or understands that a closed door means privacy.

As for your jealousy and age worries, get over them, or these will form a bigger obstacle between you. Focus on whether you can get what you both want from each other. If you can't, then cool it completely.

Ellie -- the reason you are trying to fix this mess is?

Mrs. Linklater is getting whiplash. First ISSUES says her boyfriend thinks she's too sexually aggressive. Then she turns around and says she stops in the middle of things.

Next she says they have a great time together. Then she says she's jealous.

Next she says he'd rather be with someone 35. Then she says he can't handle her 55 year old self.

Next she suggests they split up for awhile, but now she misses him. Did we mention he's impotent?

Which brings Mrs. Linklater to her question of the week -- WTF? Only a very lonely, I-have-no-life female would want to stay with a guy who blames her for his dysfunctional machine, looks longingly at other women when they're out, and doesn't seem to miss her when they split up.

Love hurts. Learn your lesson. Move on.

Mrs. Linklater's annual moment of sympathy is now over.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "GENDER BENDER" Edition

2006-06-17T06:40:00.000-07:00

As time passes and surgery improves, new problems arise in the world of transgender etiquette, as anyone with a concern for excruciatingly correct behavior can well appreciate. So Mrs. Linklater hereby deputizes herself, temporarily, as a member of the well-mannered in an attempt to put some rules in place for revealing just how extreme one's extreme makeover may have been.

Published June 16, 2006
Dear Abby: I recently met a gorgeous woman I'll call "Giselle." After we had dated for a couple of months and became physically involved, she told me she had had gender reassignment surgery and used to be a man! I was, to say the least, shocked and deeply disturbed.

I did not punch out Giselle as I would have liked to -- which brings me to my question. What is the etiquette regarding physically confronting someone like that? Is it the same as hitting a girl?

-- Distressed in Virginia

Dear Distressed: Because Giselle is now a female, it would, indeed, have been the same as hitting a girl. I have a feeling that she was probably more hurt that you stopped seeing her than any physical blow you might have inflicted. As to the "etiquette" regarding hitting her, if you hit someone of either gender, it is assault and battery.

Good point Abby, dear. Luckily we have the Penal Code these days, since the Code of Chivalry is sorely lacking a paragraph on transgender issues. Unfortunately, the matter in question -- can one punch out a woman who used to be a man -- is clearly beside the point on this occasion as far as Mrs. Linklater is concerned.

Although she didn't ask, "Giselle" should have shared her sex change well before her love interest was ever in the upright and locked position. She was lucky. Most men wouldn't write to Dear Abby to ask whether it was proper etiquette to punch her out.

Apparently her time as a man didn't teach "Giselle" about men. She probably thought that her allure as a fully reconstructed female would overcome any concern her lover might experience once they had sex. Typical female. Haaaaaaa. However, she failed to account for the EWWWWWWWWW factor.

EWWWW, you used to be a man. Did I just have sex with a man? EWWWW. I'm not gay. I'm not. I'm not. I like women. You look like a woman. But you used to be a guy? That is so gross. I don't like being fooled. I feel like a fool. EEEEEWWWWWWWW.

Granted if "Giselle" tells men about her transgender status, she will be almost certainly rejected. Initially. However, she may discover that telling the truth may give men time to think it over, get to know her, and decide her former life doesn't matter. And if it does, she can avoid a bad reaction that could some day end her life.

"Distressed," like most men, would surely run away at first. But the same allure that makes "Giselle" a sexy woman could well bring him back. On his own terms.

Isn't that what sex change operations are all about. To stop living a lie? To become the person on the outside that you feel on the inside? So it doesn't make much sense to start telling more lies after the surgery.

On the other hand, Mrs. Linklater realizes that people will do anything to get laid.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "IS MY GRANDSON GAY?" Edition

2006-06-10T17:11:00.000-07:00

Oy vey!! Mrs. Linklater, who has been called a Stealth Jew by M.O.T. was compelled to respond to this letter after seeing it posted at Patrick's Place:

http://patricks-place.blogspot.com/

She believes that the travesty of misinformation revealed presages the end of the world in more ways than global warming could ever imagine. Meanwhile, as Mrs. L enjoys her local deli's tasty Presbyterian sandwich for lunch [corned beef on white with mayo], we'll let Abby flail around first with her answer to this ditzy woman's question.

Published June 8, 2006
DEAR ABBY: I have reason to believe that a young man in my family may be gay. (He is 15.) I have been thinking a lot about it lately, and have been wondering if circumcision would cure it. What do you think? -- GRANDMOTHER IN MISSOURI

DEAR MISSOURI GRANDMOTHER: Homosexuality is not an illness, and therefore there is no need for a "cure." I predict that your family will be happier if you accept your relative exactly the way he is, love him, support him, and stop trying to think of ways to cure him.

P.S. Circumcision is a sacred rite of the Jewish religion. If your theory were valid, then there would be no Jewish homosexuals. And yet, among the successful, gay, Jewish men who are "out" are Harvey Fierstein, Michael Feinstein, Barney Frank and David Geffen -- to name a few. (Oops! And let's not forget Isaac Mizrahi.)

Mrs. Linklater would like to remind Abby that a huge portion of the male population of the USA, Jewish or not, is also circumcized, since doctors once considered it the hygienic thing to do, but who's looking?

Speaking of which, Mrs. L was afraid she'd get a gander when a former boss of hers underwent circumcision at the age of 45. Activity of a sexual nature had left him with unpleasantly recurring things that liked living in the uncircumcised area. So he underwent the procedure and returned to work only to describe in anatomical detail every painful pee he had to suffer. Fortunately without photographs. And you wonder why none of us sued. Me. too.

But Mrs. L digresses. Time to tackle today's noxious note from Grandma. Perhaps her location in Missouri is reason enough for circumcision to seem like an option, since she is living in a place where the closest thing to being Jewish is watching Seinfeld.

Mrs. Linklater is willing to let Abby handle the -- circumcision won't "cure" homosexuality you idiot -- end of it. What Mrs. L wants to know, given Grandma's frightening suggestion and remote location, is just what she thinks her grandson is doing that qualifies as gay behavior?

Is he borrowing your makeup, dresses and heels? Cross dressing ain't necessarily gay, Nana. Besides, think of the fun you two could have hitting the sales and going to Eddie Izzard performances.

Does he talk about feeling like a female in a male body? Gender identity issues aren't usually about being gay either. So don't think of it as losing a grandson, think of it as gaining a granddaughter.

Your grandson may also just be light years ahead of his peers. That preference of his for cut off jeans and sleeveless shirts with shaved armpits is quite continental -- take a look at the husband of the 2006 French Open winner, Justine Henin-Hardenne.
He wore an open collared, white sleeveless shirt, which revealed hairfree armpits when he lifted his long, lithe arms. And that haircut!! But so not gay, just French.

Is he singing lyrics from Les Miz? Probably just preparing for his high school musical. Making flowers out of radishes? Just his Bobby Flay period.

Mrs. Linklater has a shelf full of softball trophies herself, which, if you go by the stereotype, is sure proof that she is a lesbian. Except she isn't. Luckily her own grandmother wasn't entertaining thoughts of removing Mrs. L's breasts to cure her of playing catch in the street.

Like Abby says [Boy, Mrs. Linklater hates it when she agrees with advice people], the only thing any kid wants. especially from their grandma, is acceptance -- no matter what his or her propensity for unusual, outre, outcast, or anti-establishment clothes, music, body art, politics, food, movies, etc., etc.

Pretty much acceptance is all anybody wants.

I'm okay, you're an asshole -- is so late eighties.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "BITCH BITCH BITCH" Edition

2006-05-22T13:12:00.000-07:00

Mrs. Linklater is grateful to one of her devoted readers, Chris, who can be found at http://inanethoughtsandinsaneramblings.blogspot.com/.

He has discovered a new advice blog for Mrs. L to play with -- WE THREE BITCHES -- http://www.wethreebitches.blogs.com/.

[Yeah, so sue me because I can't do links. Wait, maybe they do it themselves!!]

Mrs. L stopped by their blog to see what was going on. Imagine her excitement when she found the following excruciating tale of woe. Go there yourself to read how the BEETCH-EEZ responded [BOR-ING] and compare their inadequate advice to the quality shit Mrs. Linklater provides.

May 19, 2006 ONLINE

Hey Bitches!

My husband is 38, I'm going to be 27 soon. We got married about a month after meeting (it's known as the "Lifetime Movie of the Week Relationship" in our circle of friends), and needless to say, his parents were not pleased.

Despite the fact that he'd never been married before, and he had a stable job in the Navy (still does), and he was the most together of all his siblings, they were not happy with his choice. They spoke to me once after we were married, about a week after we had tied the knot, and whatever it was that I had said they were deeply offended and had me in tears about five minutes into the call, causing some friction between my husband and them.

They've pretty much disowned him since then, and in the three years we've been married, they've called twice (and one of those times they had "accidentally" dialed him on their speed dial) and every time it ended in some kind of fracas with his mother in tears and his stepfather threatening to kick his ass.

It's a long back story, and I won't bore you with the crazy details because it's an hour-long story when I tell it to people in person no matter how interesting I think it is, but suffice to say... Neither of us get along with his parents very well.

His stepsister and I get along famously, and we talk all the time, and she kind of plays a middle man with any kind of news she sees fit to print, as it were. Which brings me to my problem (long, I know, feel free to edit me copiously): we haven't spoken to his folks in about two years, and right now I'm seven months pregnant.

His sister knows, hell the whole WORLD knows because it's all I can seem to blog about lately, but we haven't told his parents. I thought maybe we should have said something upon learning of the blessed event, but neither one of us could bring ourselves to waste happiness on these people at the time. And time has flown since then, and we still haven't told them.

. . .[S]hould we tell them NOW, or wait until the baby's born and just send them an announcement like the ubiquitous impersonal christmas card we seem to send out every year?

What I'm worried about is one of two things: that they won't care and things won't change and I'll feel like I wasted my time and crumble into a pool of post-partum whininess, or that suddenly the idea of a granddaughter will bring them back into our lives and they'll want to be involved and I'll have to meet them and things will go south because I don't like them and I probably never will.

I don't want them involved with our child in any way, EVER, because their negativity is too much for me, but I feel that we should at least clue them in that their youngest is having a child. I'm way too emotional to make a rational choice on my own, and they are HIS parents, and we're both at a loss, and I have other more important things that are far more pressing to stress about.

My husband is just as lost as far as protocol goes, if there is any at all, and I'd appreciate any diatribes, advice, or snarkiness you're willing to throw my way because my brain is currently on hiatus.

Signed,
Stressed For All The Wrong Reasons

First off, Mrs. Linklater takes up Stressed on her offer to "feel free to edit. . copiously." Here are the Cliff Notes:

Dear Bitches: My husband's parents are assholes. He thinks so too. We haven't talked to them in years. Now we're pregnant. Do we have to tell them?

Why do women, yes women, have this need to tell you everything from the color of the flowers on the wallpaper to which way the toilet tissue hangs when they're telling a story? Get to the point already.

Now Mrs. L imparts a nugget from her wonderful world of wisdom. Ready?

Dear Stressed: BABY BLOG.

Your husband's family is the dead elephant in the room. Their stink is on everything. Unfortunately, they're relatives. They won't go away. If you don't tell them about the baby they will come up with new ways to make your lives miserable. If not now, then later.

That's why the best way to deal with these assholes in a responsible, mature manner is to provide information without having to deal with them directly. Have I mentioned a BABY BLOG?

You already used the word BLOG correctly in a sentence. Start another one.

Show pictures of the pregnancy, the ultrasound, the birth, the baby, her first poopy diaper, spit up, smile, etc., etc. Give your husband's stepsister the address of the BABY BLOG so she can tell the entire family, including his folks. Let them comment in the blog. If you don't like what they say you can just delete it.

Is the internet wonderful for family harmony or what?

Now you never have to be in the same room with hubba bubba's folks ever again. And these Grandparents From Hell can watch their grandchildren grow up from the safety of the worldwide web without making you throw up from the stress of having them around.

If they don't know how to use the internet? Too damn bad.

With this one magnanimous gesture -- the BABY BLOG -- you're forever off the hook. Do not waste any stamps to send the evil parents any announcements or make any phone calls to them or ANYTHING ELSE. I will track you down if you do.

If they send a gift [FAT CHANCE] take a picture of it and post it in the blog. Hey, look at this gift we got. Isn't it special? That's all you owe them.

Please be advised that Mrs. Linklater isn't suggesting that you try to make nice and get back with these people. There isn't medication strong enough to handle that. Besides any apologies should come from their end. So don't be leaving the light on for them.

She is simply offering you a chance to take the moral high road. Not that Mrs. L has spent much time there herself. But she hears good things about it.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "FOOD DONATION" Edition

2006-05-12T09:24:00.000-07:00

The last time Mrs. Linklater went to a full contact linen, china, and crystal dinner party, where the hostess didn't go to Costco for the food -- including the Beef Wellington -- was the night she sat next to Marshall Field the IVth or Vth [who's counting?], during his marriage to his second or third wife, a blond who kept insisting that Blanc de Blanc was the best champagne in the entire world. And that party was catered.

Mrs. L would give anything for an old fashioned pot luck supper where the guests brought something REALLY homemade. But apparently there's a bunch of food snobs out there who want nothing to do with your grandmother's secret recipe for Arosto Con Cipolle Filanti because they snagged Wolfgang Puck for the night. As usual, our advice maven gets to do whatever she's going to do first. Like anybody can stop her.

Published May 12, 2006 Chicago Tribune
Dear Amy: Like a recent letter from "Frustrated Foodie," I am also irked by guests who insist on contributing to a meal that has been carefully planned. I try my best to incorporate any last-minute additions, but I don't feel obligated to. When guests bring food, I thank them and make a trip to the refrigerator. Sometimes I "remember" their food just in time to send it home with the guests.

-- Philly Food Fan

Dear Fan: Ouch. Several readers have commented that sending "donated" food back home with guests is the way to handle this.

Mrs. Linklater will be with you shortly, as soon as she finishes eating the leftover bread pudding out of the doggy bag she brought home from lunch yesterday. Oh crap the little plastic container with the whiskey sauce spilled in the bag. Why is it that food that looks so good at the restaurant looks like you found it on the road after you get it home?

All right, a couple of Zantac and we're good to go.

Mrs. L would like to offer an alternative viewpoint to Amy's. Why? Because that's what this blog is all about dildo breath.

Try to follow her logic. If someone spent the time to bring something homecooked to your party, what is the point of giving it back? Because you have so many friends you can afford to lose a couple? Like your palette is so sensitive that you can't bear to allow "guest" food near your pristine platters of pate, polenta, and parsnips in papillon sauce?

Odds are that the men in the crowd would kill for some of that Hungarian Gulash you think is too plebian for your spread. At least FREEZE it. Or, here's a thought. Serve it to your family when you're nursing a hangover the next day. Or find some starving college kids and give it to them. Or call ME.

It's a gift. Accept it graciously, you imperious toads.

Mrs. Linklater Shucks and Jives

2006-04-23T08:21:00.000-07:00

Okay okay okay. Mrs. Linklater has been enjoying the warm weather and shirking her duties here as the queen of mean. As proof of her nastiness, one reader went WAY back into the archives of her AOL journal http://journals.aol.com/jevanslink/AskMrsLinklater/
where Ask Mrs. Linklater began her career in public service, to leave this message: YOU'RE MEAN.

What a chicken bleep. Couldn't even leave a working screenname so Mrs. L could figuratively plant her pointy-toed thigh highs into his or her butt.

But I'm back now. Looking for advice column travesties. See you soon.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "YOUR CHEATIN' HEART" Edition

2006-03-28T13:20:00.000-08:00

When does cheating become cheating? Mrs. Linklater once looked at someone else's paper during a test in Latin. Not to copy her answers, but to see if she had the same answers as Mrs. Linklater did.

So is that cheating or just comparing notes? Which makes Mrs. Linklater wonder, is it cheating if a guy has sex with someone else? Or just comparing notes?

And what about porn? Cheating? Or Sex for Dummies?

This little philosophical diversion is designed to get you thinking out of the box, if you'll pardon an expression. Meanwhile, Mrs. Linklater has to leave the comfort of her bubble bath to prevent yet another advice column travesty. There is work to be done.

Margo Howard Thu Mar 23, 2006 11:06 AM ET

DEAR MARGO: I've been reading your column for years and have noticed that infidelity is a recurring subject. I have a new question regarding this. It is often said that when people cheat, it means they don't love their partner. Does this necessarily mean they love their lover?

If the cheater doesn't leave a partner, this could also mean he or she doesn't love the lover enough to make the decision to live their affair openly. So, whom does a cheater really love?

I am asking because I found out that my husband is cheating on me, but he keeps denying his affair -- even though I've confronted him with irrefutable proof. He tells me he loves me and that I am the woman in his life. I know I'm certainly not. What troubles me most is that he won't leave me or let me go.

I have even told him to fight for his love of this other woman by at least acknowledging the affair. My guess is that if a man is putting his marriage of 18 years in jeopardy, then it means he is madly in love. I would like to hear your opinion about people living ambiguous situations like this.
-- LIVING ON A PRAYER

DEAR LIV: I do not find this situation ambiguous at all. Your husband wants to stay married, for whatever reason, and he wants the girlfriend on the side. As for your proof and his denial, it reminds me of the famous instruction attributed to Fernando Lamas: "Deny, deny, deny." Comedians have embroidered on this line by adding, "Who are you going to believe -- me or your own eyes?"

As for whom the cheater loves, I actually think it's himself. Men who run around are often narcissistic, insecure and looking for excitement. In other words, they are not integrated, mature human beings. For a woman in your position, the decision is whether to put up with his dual life or live on your own.

When you say he won't leave you or let you go, may I remind you that you are half of this marriage, and should you so choose, you can let him go. Good luck figuring things out. -- Margo, decisively

Margo, after your four marriages, why does Mrs. Linklater have to keep bailing you out?

To quote Tina Turner, who knows a thing or two about badass husbands, "WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?" Exactly. Nothing. Zero. Love is beyond the comprehension of guys who cheat. On the other hand, lust is not. It's just that in the dark they start looking the same.

When a husband cheats, it's not that he doesn't love his wife. Or that he loves another person. They are too far up on the food chain for his skills.

He cheats because he's running on empty. The person he cheats with is there to shut out the white noise in his head. The little voice saying LOSER LOSER LOSER.

She's his fifth of whiskey. His line of coke. She's his case of beer and hours of football in front of the TV.

He's like a drunk who feels better after a few. Or a junkie after a hit. Or a gambler on a roll -- like anybody who has an addiction. His drug of choice -- another woman -- masks the symptoms. She anesthetizes the anxieties, fears, and stresses he can't deal with.

She's his escape from the responsibilities of his job, being a good parent to his children, and most of all, being a good husband to his wife.

After being with that other person, usually for sex, oh, hell, ALWAYS for sex, he's okay for awhile until the anxiety begins to take hold again and he's got to have more.

The other woman doesn't get his love. She gets to be his receptacle.

Afterward, he can return to his family and pretend he's a real person. Hi Honey, I'm ho-o-ome.

So he's not lying when he tells the wifey poo that the other woman doesn't exist. Because the other woman is not a person to him; she's his fix. She's his escape from real life.

Time for him to get a reality check. Time for wifey poo to get an allimony check.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "TRAILER PARK" Edition

2006-03-27T10:47:00.000-08:00

Mrs. Linklater lives for these advice column smackdowns. Nothing like two women slinging hot, sweaty advice to attract the crowds. So bring it on Miss Ellie. Let's see your best stuff. Because you're gonna lose this one faster than a Cubs' reliever in the ninth.

PUBLISHED October 26, 2005 CHICAGO SUN-TIMES
BY ELLIE TESHER

DEAR ELLIE: My common-law partner's kids, girls ages 24 and 26, never ask me to join them for dinner or outings. Nor do they call their father when I'm around.

They do everything behind my back. This bothers me, but he thinks everything's fine. My similar-aged kids always include him. . .
-- MIFFED

DEAR MIFFED: Be the wiser adult and lead by example: Get tickets for everyone for something the girls can't refuse, such as a concert. Next, invite his daughters to join you and your children at something casual like a barbecue. Slowly build your connection to these grown children whose distance has been silently condoned by their dad.

If you focus on being offended, this won't change. Show them the benefits of your friendship; get to know them better. They'll eventually see you as the likeable person Dad loves.

Mrs. Linklater smells smoke just in time to poke Ellie with a stick -- poke, poke, poke. Are you awake? Can't you read between the lines? A million bucks says MIFFED is actually a stripper from the Kitty Kat Klub who snagged dear old dad after a particularly fetching pole dance during his company's annual sales meeting. Yeah, yeah, strippers are people too. The tattoos and piercings only add to her charm.

Conveniently, there's no mention about Mom in all this, so Mrs. L is thinking she got dumped once le bustier babe got her hooks into Pop. No doubt the kids are on Mom's side, since children have a sixth sense about two-bit trailer park trash. Is it any wonder they have no desire to spend time with a woman who booby-trapped their father into leaving their mother? Whose presence is like stepping on old chewing gum.

Sure, Miffed can invite the kids to a formal White House Reception if she wants, although White Castle is probably more her speed. As for inviting the young folks to concerts and barbecues, don't expect Dad's daughters to be seen with the likes of her any time soon. Might as well give that "be the wiser adult" stuff a rest.

Mrs. L thinks it's a sure bet that Dad's "common law wife" -- emphasis on "common" -- is pretty low rent.

In general, kids, especially older ones, are usually pretty good about hanging with their Dad's new or used acquisitions, unless there's something that doesn't smell right, And this one's got stink all over it. Covered in gold lame and wearing pink plastic mules.

Unless Mrs. L is somehow mistaken, and Ms. Tank Top Tummy is actually Mother Teresa, there's no way to put lipstick on this barnyard animal. So she should just be glad Dad is sticking with her and end all the whining about him and his kids sneaking behind her back.

Well, that's enough warm and fuzzy stuff for today.

I'm all tapped out.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "LAP DANCE" Edition

2006-03-27T03:38:00.000-08:00

Last year Prudence was Ann Landers' daughter. Now she writes under her real name Margo. Apparently advice columnists don't fall too far from the tree. Based on her advice, Mrs. Linklater can confirm that Prudence is out of her tree.

Published November 10, 2005 SLATE online
Dear Prudence,
My husband recently informed me that his friend is having a bachelor party in Vegas on our first wedding anniversary. He asked me to come along, but I feel infuriated and cannot believe he would even consider asking me to do this. I think it is inconsiderate. I feel our first wedding anniversary should be celebrated and honored—alone together—not with a bunch of drunken guys in Las Vegas.

Am I wrong to be angry? . . . I feel his doing this, along with some past actions (looking at girls on the Internet and on dating services) are huge red flags that I am not letting sink in. I need advice on what I should do, and what you think he is doing. I don't want to overreact.
—Wedding Belle Blues

Dear Wed,
What a guy ... so romantic and sentimental. But given that this is his idea of fun, accept the invitation and go to Vegas. It will shock his sox off. . . Granted, this is a counterintuitive move, but your "permission" to attend his buddy's party will give you good-sport points forever. Such a gesture on your part seems wiser than raising hell about his wanting to go. . . Prudie wonders about a guy married only a year who is looking at dating sites. You might want to discuss this with him, and ask him why. . .He sounds immature, at the very least.
—Prudie, alertly

Mrs. Linklater climbs on stage. Oh Prudie, hold my tassels will ya? They get in the way when I'm giving advice.

What's with the good sports points? For what? Hooker heels? Lap dances? Marriage isn't about keeping score. Although that romantic hubba bubba sounds like he wants to score with anyone but his wifey poo. Come on, Prudence, wake up and smell the urinal cakes, he is counting on her to bail on his invite.

Besides, do you really think his bachelor buddy will let any woman that resembles a wife near a single one of their all guy parties? No way a female is getting into those slimy soirees unless she's coming out of a cake or sliding down a pole.

So Miss First -- and it sounds like her Last -- Anniversary should just give her loved one a kiss and send him on his way.

Tell him with a smile that she knows what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Oh, and by the way, Sweetums, if you go to Vegas, stay in Vegas. Because this is no longer your home.

That ought to shock more than his socks off.

Okay, you can return Mrs. Linklater's tassels, now. They just started playing her song.

THE RUTABAGA RULES

2006-03-26T21:43:00.000-08:00

Mrs. Linklater departs from her usual insightful badinage to introduce the Rutabaga Rules. She will provide a new list every so often, but this re-run from last year will be her first.

Ever since the discovery of romantic relationships, there have been people who have felt compelled to give advice about finding them, keeping them, repairing them, ending them, in fact, pretty much anything you might want to do with them.

So it's only natural for Mrs. Linklater to finally jump on the bandwagon with the Mars and Venus crowd and offer up her own take on things.

Kind of like that new guru Oprah loves, who wrote "He's Just Not That Into You." Is that bleached blond, spiky-haired oracle the next Dr. Phil?

Shouting "Who cares!!!" Mrs. Linklater takes the plunge and throws the Rutabaga Rules into the abyss of public opinion.

The rules according to the rutabaga are a very short guide to understanding how far up you are on the romantic food chain. Any resemblance to an actual relationship is coincidental.

R -- RUN, do not walk away from any guy over the age of twenty-one who still lives at home with his parents. Run faster and farther if he still lives at home with his mother.

U -- UNDERSTAND that if you're divorced, a guy always wants to know how soon you will be having sex. He will want to know even sooner if you are divorced with kids. You might as well be wearing a sign that says, "Just Do Me." If you are a widow, he doesn't want sex, he wants your money.

T -- TRUST me, any guy who didn't finish high school, has trouble spelling and spent time in a correctional facility is not a catch. No matter how good his tattoos are. There are two exceptions to this rule: Slim and none.

A -- AUDITIONS. Don't do them. If he wants to have sex, ask him if this is an audition or do you have the job. It's always an audition if you have sex before you know his last name. If he takes you to meet his parents on the third date, that's just a trick to get you to audition.

B -- BREAK up with any Bozo who criticizes your body, your hair, your clothes, your job, house, children, friends, family, furniture, food, car, or anything else that matters to you. By the way contructive criticism is an oxymoron. There is no such thing. Criticism should not be confused with feedback. Feedback is friendly. Criticism is crushing.

A -- A man isn't kidding when he says things like he doesn't want children and he doesn't want to get married. He means TO YOU. How many women have wasted years trying to get them to change their minds. And watch him marry someone else as soon as they break up. Hey, that was stupid.

G -- GET good at stuff guys like. Start with sex and food. Enjoy the practice sessions. Guys love to help you with your homework. For anyone who thinks this rule contradicts any previous rule, give it a rest.

A -- ANY woman who can't spend a Saturday night alone, by herself, without stalking old boyfriends online, or eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's isn't ready for a guy.

Okay, those are Mrs. Linklater's Basic Rutabaga Rules. Your romantic life may not get better if you follow them. But they can't possibly get any worse. These rules, as good as they are will change from time to time depending on Mrs. Linklater's mood. You have to stay fresh in this business.

Oh, yes, Mrs. L is sure there is someone who wants to know why they are called the Rutabaga Rules. Long story short:

Once upon a time Mrs. Linklater fell in love. Yeah, who knew. Unfortunately she picked someone a whole lot younger so her chances of having a future with this guy weren't good. Especially since she could no longer be considered for breeding purposes. Let's just say Monica Lewinksy had a better chance of becoming First Lady.

So the time came for him to break up with her and she suffered like all women do. Tears, bags of chocolate, you know the drill. Mrs. Linklater may have a tough shell, but she's made of Marshmallow Fluff inside. Anyway, shortly after everything was finished, over, and they were never going to speak again, ever, he sent her an email. In the email was a request for a recipe for how to prepare rutabagas. And the fire got stoked again, albeit it temporarily.

The experience taught Mrs. Linklater her first relationship lesson of the new millennium [with a nod to Yogi Berra]:

Just because it's over doesn't mean it's over.

Unfortunately there isn't a letter "J" in the Rutabaga Rules so Mrs. Linklater couldn't include it.

[Note to anyone clever with crafts: The Rutabaga Rules are suitable for framing if you want to serve them up as a gift to someone you no longer want as a friend.]

Ask Mrs. Linklater ADULT MOVIE" Edition

2006-03-13T13:35:00.000-08:00

As usual, as a public service, Mrs. Linklater butts in when she deems it necessary to save people from themselves. Or vice versa. With all due respect to their honorable profession, Mrs. Linklater gives the advice columnists first crack. Age before beauty.

Dear Abby
Published December 10, 2004 Chicago Tribune

Dear Abby: I star in adult films. I am not ashamed of what I do, but sometimes other people's reaction to my profession can be severe.

I am trying to get my 4-year-old daughter, "Ashley," accepted into an exclusive religious day care. The problem is that on the application I am to state my profession, as well as her father's. My husband, "Rex," is also in the adult film industry.

Rex thinks we should just lie. I want my daughter to be accepted, but I know Ashley will be turned down if they find out we lied on the application. What do you think?

-- Tempest In L.A.

Dear Tempest: You don't have to lie. State that you are in the movie business. Just don't mention that the movies you're in are "blue," and cross your fingers that you don't run into any fans.

Mrs. Linklater butts in, if you'll pardon an expression. This reminds her of an article she read about how to choose your stripper stage name -- something young women can fall back on when they find they have to work their way through Harvard Law School.

Your first name should be a pet you once had. And your last name should be a street you lived on. So if you ever see NUDES NUDES NUDES "Featuring Twinkle Drexel" on a downtown marquee, you'll know Mrs. Linklater has a new gig. But she digresses.

My dear Tempest -- even though you're not just a run of the mill stripper who takes off her clothes, but a real star in adult movies, who not only takes off her clothes but performs acts of an explicitly sexual nature -- what we have here is a failure to communicate.

Mrs. Linklater is certain that what Dear Abby really meant to say was -- HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FREAKING MIND?

You are a PORN star. People who send their children to religious daycare do not want to be in the same room with you. But you just have this need to buy some respectability by sneaking your kid in. Did Mrs. Linklater get that right? Of course she did.

Why does this make her think of Jimmy Swaggert starting a brothel to raise money for his church?

Your daughter is an innocent bystander in all this. Don't make her a victim of your self-absorbed stupidity.

Have a nice day.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "NAUGHTY BITS" Edition

2006-03-13T13:17:00.000-08:00

DISCLAIMER: Remember Mrs. Linklater is just someone with an opinion. And this one will be like throwing gasoline on a fire. She can hardly wait for the conflagration.

Mrs. Linklater wonders if moms who parade around nude in front of their sons and fathers who flash the family jewels at their daughters think they are performing some kind of public service.

Would they do the same to their children's friends? No. Because it's inappropriate. And, if you want to get technical, illegal. So what makes it appropriate to do the same thing to their children? Because they're family and can't escape?

Mrs. L can't wait to expose these kinds of parents for the buck naked numbskulls they are. But first, the advice giver makes a lame attempt to put lipstick on this pig.

Dear Abby [Jeanne Phillips]
Published October 19, 2005 Chicago Tribune

Dear Abby: My son-in-law insists on walking around naked after his shower. He claims that he must let his hemorrhoids air-dry. This man has four children, three of whom are girls ages 9, 7 and 4. My daughter has done everything from plead to scream to get him to stop this habit, yet he still emerges from the bathroom with the announcement, "Turn your heads, girls, I'm naked!"

What more can my daughter do to get him to understand how potentially dangerous this is?

-- Disgusted in Jameson, Mo.

Dear Disgusted: I discussed your letter with Dr. Stephen Kuchenbecker, a respected colorectal surgeon in Los Angeles. He informs me that while hemorrhoid sufferers are advised not to rub that tender area of the body, they are encouraged to gently "pat" dry or even use a hand-held hair dryer to be sure the hemorrhoids are free of moisture.

It is not appropriate for your son-in-law to parade around in front of the girls. The next time he makes his grand entrance, your daughter and the girls should point at his lower midsection and start laughing. If that proves ineffective, she should buy a long extension cord for her hair dryer, and warn her spouse that if he doesn't dry his hemorrhoids, then she will.

Mrs Linklater is blowing milk through her nose. Here's a dad who ignores the pleas of his wife and daughters to stop putting his private parts on public display -- for whatever reason -- and Abby calls a colorectal surgeon?

Abby, it's pretty clear Dad's an asshead, we don't need a rectal doctor to confirm this. Besides, take away his 'roid excuse and Dad will just come up with another reason to display his donkey kong.

And that suggestion to have the girls point to it and laugh when he comes out of the bathroom. Are you hallucinating? Now he's got them looking at it thanks to YOU.

What is it about THE GIRLS DON'T LIKE LOOKING AT THEIR FATHER NAKED that you and he don't seem to understand?

Gotta play hardball. Next time he goes into the shower, Mom packs up the kids and they leave. She puts a note on the bathroom door that says they aren't coming back until he stops exposing himself AND gets counseling.

If exhibitionistic parents would consider their behavior a form of sexual abuse instead of defending their right to let it all hang out, children in this country might not need so many drugs to control their anxious behavior. Family nudity is particularly heinous when the parents are asked to stop by their children and they don't. Have they looked in a mirror lately?

There can be consequences. Good kids can start "acting out," having anger issues, substance abuse problems, boys attacking their mothers, girls exhibiting sexually promiscuous behavior, or one of Mrs. Linklater's personal favorites, four year olds pooping on the living room rug.

Two years old is usually the cut off time, if you'll pardon an expression, for kids to get a naked gander at the parent of the opposite sex.

Well, now, wasn't that fun?

Ask Mrs. Linklater "BAD TEMPER": Edition

2006-03-13T13:04:00.000-08:00

Mrs. Linklater would like to know what it is about men in orange jump suits with their hands and feet in chains that makes them so attractive?

Once again an advice columnist treats this female phenomenon with kid gloves instead of the sledghammer it needs. Thank goodness Mrs. Linklater is around to slap these goofy women upside the head.

As usual our advice giver gets first dibs on this daffy duck.

Chicago Tribune September 2005
Dear Amy: I am 21 years old and hope you'll give me some honest answers. I really trust your point of view.

I am in a relationship with someone whom I love very much. We have only been together for five months, three of which he has spent in jail. I have fallen hard and fast for him! He is very good to me. . .but I am worried about his bad temper.

. . .I am waiting for him to get sentenced to find out when he will get out of prison. When he does, we are planning on living together! He has a history with his temper, but he is working on that now, learning other ways to deal with things that stress him.

-- Concerned

Dear Concerned: Not all people who have a hard-knocks life or grow up on the streets have uncontrollable tempers. I point that out because it is my job to remove excuses Nos. 1 and 2 from your reasoning. Your guy is responsible for his own actions.

Now that I have your attention, let me say loud and clear that you must not move in with him.

. . .You cannot change him. Changing is his job. Talk is cheap, especially in prison, where people have every reason to talk a good game and no way to prove anything.

. . .It's very sweet of you to think that unconditional love, respect and honesty can cure an out-of-control temper, but it just doesn't work that way.

The fact that you think you can perform such an extreme makeover on this guy is an indication that you are not as mature as you think you are. Take your good heart and compassion, and find somebody who is available to reciprocate and give you the life you deserve.

Mrs. Linklater steps away from her Krispy Kreme to offer three words of advice for this young woman: Witness Protection Program.

Oh wait, they don't have things like that for battered women. But you don't think you'll be a battered woman do you? You're too busy writing "MRS. I LOVE A GUY IN PRISON AND HE LOVES ME" again and again on page after page of three ring notebook paper in your trapper keeper. With smiley faces in the little circles you make over the letter "I."

Well, Little Miss One Brick Shy Of A Load, let Mrs. Linklater predict your sorry future:

Loser, I mean Lover Boy, gets out of jail. He moves in with you. So far so good. One day, and it may be the next day or the next month, you're going to do something that annoys him. Like you didn't get him the hot sauce for his eggs fast enough. Something really important.

Suddenly instead of basking in your unconditional love and becoming a good and useful citizen, Bad Temper Boy will turn on you and before you can set his favorite bottle of sauce in front of him and say you're sorry -- because you always have to say you're sorry -- you will become his personal punching bag.

Congratulations!!! Enjoy your FIRST, but not your LAST extreme makeover!

You get a new wardrobe -- lots of long sleeved shirts to hide the welts on your arms.

You get new make up -- the heavy kind that can hide the dark bruises on your face

You get a new pair of sunglasses -- the big black ones that hide your swollen eyes.

It's not a question of IF this will happen to you, my naive nymphette, but WHEN.

Here's the good part. You probably won't listen to your mother. You probably won't listen to Amy. So, you for sure won't listen to Mrs. Linklater either.

No, you will do the stupid, dangerous thing and move in with this bad tempered bastard. Sorry did Mrs. Linklater say BASTARD?
Yes. She meant to. And because you don't want to admit you made a mistake, you'll let him beat you up seven or eight times until one day you call your mom and ask her to come get you.

Unless someone else calls the cops who have to call the medical examiner.

Lotsa luck!!!

Ask Mrs. Linklater "MOMMIE DEAREST" Edition

2006-03-07T10:24:00.000-08:00

Don't think of this as a re-run, think of it as a chance to let Mrs. L take a nap.

Out of necessity, Mrs. Linklater leaves her lawn chair on the highway to once again prevent another advice column crime against humanity.

Whenever she sees the "M" word in the headline, Mrs. L knows it's just a matter of time before she has to hike up her bra and come to the rescue of someone with a Mother From Hell. Nobody can take on these Monster Moms like Mrs. Linklater. Unfortunately the advice columnist gets first crack.

JEANNE PHILLIPS [DEAR ABBY]
Published August 26, 2005 Chicago Tribune

Dear Abby: I am not a pretty woman, and I'm certainly not photogenic. Over the years I have been in numerous pictures -- some with family members, some alone on special occasions.

When my family has get-togethers with other family members and/or friends, my mother always brings photographs that show me in the most unflattering poses or circumstances. I have told her this is hurtful and asked her to please stop. She says I'm a "poor sport" and that people aren't laughing at me, just at the picture.

I'm tired of being laughed at, and after 50 years, I think she should stop making me feel bad. Why does she do this, and do you think I'm just a poor sport?

-- Negative About the Photos, Manhattan, Kan.

Dear Negative: You're not a poor sport; your mother has a cruel streak. No one taught her that true humor lies inthe ability to laugh with people rather than atthem.

Because this has been her pattern for 50 years, it's unlikely you will ever change her. However, it may console you to know that by insisting on displaying those unflattering pictures, your mother is revealing more about her character than anything in the photos.

Holy Joan Crawford Eyebrows!!! Mrs. Linklater is here to spoil someone's day, so let's start with Dear Abby.

Abby, is anybody home? Basically your advice to this fifty year victim of a cruel and unusual mother is to DO NOTHING?!

She's already done that for fifty years. If ever there was an opportunity to take this to the next level, it is today!

Mrs. Linklater has one word to cure this wicked witch masquerading as a nurturing parent -- PHOTOSHOP.

No need to resort to a website with Mom's head superimposed over nude photos, although the thought did cross Mrs. L's mind.

A framed photo of her head with the body of a babe in a dominatrix outfit, complete with black bustier, thigh high boots, and a black leather whip is much faster and far less expensive.

You can leave this little momento surreptitiously on the night table, the piano, or any place there are family pictures arranged in a group.

The daughter can make arrangements to visit all the relatives and family friends and leave more copies around their homes when they think she's gone to the bathroom.

Should she run out of money for frames she can just slip one into a family album. Or stick one on a refrigerator that's already full of family photos.

If the dominatrix outfit seems a bit over the top, and Mrs. Linklater can't see how that would be possible, the body of a typical "big-boned" American, frolicking at the beach, is another option for this vendetta, sorry, justified payback.

If there's time, a whole series of photos created with Mom's head on some very scary bodies could be made into a leatherbound album with OUR DEAR MOTHER embossed on the front. Her daughter could leave it on a coffee table at the next family gathering when no one's in the room.

It may take awhile, but slowly, members of the family will begin to notice the unusual photo in their midst and start calling Mom to ask her about it. Or somebody watching TV might notice the album during the get together and run to show it to everyone.

New albums and new photos should continue to appear until Mom is embarrassed enough to end her nasty ways. And write I THINK MY DAUGHTER IS A LOVELY PERSON INSIDE AND OUT a hundred times on the blackboard.

Just so she doesn't completely violate the terms of her parole, Mrs. Linklater's stealth plan to Stick it to Mom also includes assertiveness training and a makeover for the allegedly unphotogenic daughter. Perhaps a new hairdo, makeup and maybe some those da Vinci veneers.

Who knew a life of service could be so rewarding?

Ask Mrs. Linklater "SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE GAY" Edition

2006-03-06T05:18:00.000-08:00

Another visit to the vault and look what Mrs. L found:

In honor of the Lutherans' latest rejection of committed gays as members of their clergy, Mrs. Linklater takes out her frustration on the advice columnists because they're such easy targets. The fact that she is not a lesbian or a Lutheran had no bearing on her decision. She just likes to annoy people.

ASK AMY
Published August 12, 2005 CHICAGO TRIBUNE

Dear Amy: I have reason to believe that my sister-in-law is gay. My husband (her brother) and I have never discussed her sexual orientation, but we are both accepting of homosexuality.

Because her being gay has no bearing on my life, I largely feel I should never bring it up. However, in a way, if the subject were broached, perhaps she would feel more comfortable coming out, and I would not feel that the topic was taboo around my husband.

Should I bring it up to him or let it continue to rest?

-- OK With Gays

Dear OK: If everything is really OK, then what is that elephant doing in your living room?

I gather from your letter that you are wondering whether you should have this conversation with your husband (not his sister), and I can't think of why you wouldn't. In my experience, husbands and wives discuss all sorts of things that have no direct bearing on their lives, and I agree that broaching the subject might put it "out there" in a way that proves positive.

You: "Honey, have you ever thought that Nancy might be gay?"

He: "No. I don't know what you're talking about."

You: "Well, would it bother you if she did happen to be gay?"

He: "Come to think of it, it wouldn't bother me at all."

See? Now it's out there. Time to move on to other topics.

Mrs. Linklater falls out of her church pew laughing at people who are "OK with Gays." And then obsess about them. What's with that? Even worse, that conversation between a husband and a wife is so not real. Mrs. L has been married. She knows that the dialogue would go way more like this:

WIFE: Have you seen my motorcycle helmet, Honey?

HUSBAND: No, didn't you wear it to the tattoo parlor last week, Sweetums?

WIFE: I thought I did, but it's not hanging in the mudroom with my chrome studded dog collar, Poopsie.

HUSBAND: Well, I can imagine your homicidal frustration, Lovebug.

WIFE: When you get up can you look in the closet for me, My Beloved?

HUSBAND: Certainly, Sweetcakes, I would be happy to.

WIFE: While you're at it, Sugar, see if your sister is in there, too.

See, no need to use emotionally charged words like GAY or LESBIAN. Any thoughtful, concerned sister-in-law can out her husband's butch or lipstick sibling without resorting to blackmail or poison. Or sticking her tongue out and saying NA NA NA NA NA.

Mrs. Linklater also has practice conversations you can use to tell everybody you work with that your boss is performing unnatural acts with No. 2 pencils.

Why libel and slander the people close to you when you can accomplish so much more with rumor and innuendo.

Stop the whining, Mrs. Linklater is here to help.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "SEPARATION ANXIETY" Edition

2006-03-01T19:37:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been a few days since Mrs. Linklater jumped on her high horse and rode herd on the advice columnists. So it's about damn time she attacked them once again for no reason at all, except that she just loves to butt in where she's not wanted. [FYI -- Mrs. Linklater cannot make this RED type go away. It showed up uninvited and refuses to accept change no matter what she does.]

Amy Dickinson
Published July 10, 2005, Chicago Tribune

Dear Amy: I have a problem. My mother calls a lot and wants me to come over and help with things like her computer, hanging pictures, moving furniture, etc.

I go to school full time and work full time, and I cannot be at her beck and call.

I love my mother to death, but this has to stop. I cannot be everywhere at once. . .How should I handle this?

--Frustrated

Dear Frustrated: I know you think this is about household chores, but I think it's about your mom missing you. It sounds as if your life and schedule have recently changed, and your mother might not be adjusting to it as well as you are.

You need to set some boundaries and reassure your mother that you will come to see her--even when there aren't chores to do.

Perhaps you could develop a regular schedule. . .She can save up some of those pesky chores for you, but mainly you can visit with each other. Be firm but patient with her while she weathers this transition. . .she could be suffering from depression or anxiety. If you feel her constant contact is out of hand, talk to her about it and urge her to see her doctor.

MRS. LINKLATER RIDES TO THE RESCUE: WHOA!!! This isn't about household chores or Mom missing her kid.This is about Mom being a complete and utter control freak. And the only way to control a control freak is to take the freaking control away from her.

Luckily, Mrs. Linklater has a twelve step program for just such problems.

So, what FRUSTRATED should do AS SOON AS POSSIBLE is to create some distance between herself and her parental unit.

That is why Mrs. Linklater's first eight steps are to 1. MOVE! 2. MOVE! 3. MOVE! 4. MOVE! 5. MOVE! 6. MOVE! 7. MOVE! AND 8. MOVE!

Not too far from school and your job. But at least an hour away from Mom. Far enough away that you can't run over to the house for stupid stuff. Then, when you graduate from college, you can advance to STEP NINE: MOVE AGAIN!

That's right. Get a new job and MOVE TO ANOTHER CITY. Something at least four hours away is a good start. That way you can do things for Mom a few times a year instead of several times a week.

STEP TEN: Since you probably can't do the move thing right away, just don't answer your cell phone when Mom calls. Press the END button when you see Mom's number come up. It will send her call straight to voicemail. You haven't hung up on her. And no mother has ever been harmed by diverting an unwanted call.

STEP ELEVEN: Get over the guilt. Because YOU WILL FEEL GUILTY. Your mother has signs of world class manipulation skills caused by her separation anxiety and not having a life of her own.

In fact, the first time you divert her call, you will feel so guilty that you avoided your mom you will be thinking about ways to apologize -- for what? Trying to take your life back? Get over it.

Mrs. Linklater feels the need to repeats this step: GET OVER THE GUILT DAMMIT. Sorry, Mrs. L didn't mean to raise her voice like that.

Your mom has been sending you on guilt trips like a travel agent from Hell. Stop letting her punch your ticket.

Finally, STEP TWELVE: Learn to use the word NO correctly in a sentence. No, Mom, I can't come over. No, Mom, this isn't a good time. No, Mom, I'm busy now. No, Mom, I can't do that.

Once you have mastered all these steps and begin to have a life of your own, you will be in the first stages of adulthood.

Soon, you will suddenly feel the urge to invite Mom out to brunch. And soon it will seem like a nice idea to stop by and do all that stupid stuff for her.

And you may even be happy to take Mom's calls. In fact, you may even hear yourself encourage her to call more. Because it's not Mom's idea. It's YOURS.

When that happens Mrs. Linklater will send you a TWELVE STEP certificate of adulthood that is suitable for framing.

Mrs. Linklater Bitches and Moans

2006-02-25T20:08:00.000-08:00

Mrs. Linklater begs your indulgence. She is on a MAC.

Blogger, like AOL and other PC friendly places treats MACs with no respect. At least HER MAC.

So LARGE IN YOUR FACE TYPE shows up for no reason in strange places. And it cannot be changed, no matter what Mrs. L tries. So it may seem like she's losing her eyesight, when she's just losing her mind trying to deal with this HTML crapola.

Just so's ya know.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "DEATH BECOMES YOU" Edition

2006-02-25T19:47:00.000-08:00

Another trip down memory lane for those of you who missed the first go round.

Mrs. Linklater was hoping some battered woman would step up to the plate and consult with an advice giver this week. Well, at least some battered woman's sisters did. Read the heartwarming tale of the abused woman followed by Prudence's by the book reply. Naturally, Mrs. L butts in to save the day. She's like a bulldog with a bone you know.

Dear Prudence
Posted Thursday, March 24, 2005 Slate Magazine Online

Dear Prudie,
I have two sisters, and we're all in our early 30s. One sister went through a divorce a couple of years ago, and she's dated a few men since. She met someone last year and told us she was in love with him. We all met him, and he seemed very nice; they had a lot in common. She moved in with him a few months later. Not too long after moving in together, they had a huge fight, and he beat her up. . .We since discovered he'd been violent toward her in other situations. She recently decided that she wanted him back and said it didn't matter what we thought. . .We feel we should not have to forgive him for what he did. . .My sister and I never want to see him or be around him. Should we stand by our sister, no matter what her decision? Or should we stand our ground, even if it means losing our relationship with her?

—Younger Sister

Dear Young,
It is always a good idea to keep the lines of communication open—in this case, so that you can be available to help your sister when/if she comes to her senses, hopefully before he hurts her again. Prudie's suggestion is to strongly convey your point of view, and give her some information about battered women and the prognoses of these damaging relationships. By all means, begin a paper trail of his transgressions, and call in the police when necessary. Tolerate the guy in a superficial sense, so that you're not cut off from your sister, and she'll come to you for help.

—Prudie, historically

Mrs. Linklater sticks her butt in like a dumptruck getting ready to unload. Enough of this namby pamby "keep the lines of communication open" CRAP!!!

Big Sis is on the reckless road to OJ Simpson land. And there's no return with that ticket. The time for your empathetic support is OVER!! Here's what Mrs. Linklater would do if this were her sister:

She would purchase a headstone. Yes, she would spend the money and buy a grave marker. You read that right. Then she would put her sister's name on it. Maybe with "Our Beloved Sister" above it and a couple of angels with harps.

Underneath her sister's name, she'd add "BORN" and the date of her sister's birth. When all the lettering was finished, she would drag the marker to her sister's house, put it in the ground, surround it with lots of fake flowers, including one of those huge floral sprays with RIP on it, ring the doorbell, get her sister to come out and say to her, "Hi, Sis. I hear you're back with What's His Name. So I took the liberty of getting your gravestone in advance. You can see I've had your name and the date of your birth put on it. I just need to know when you think he's going to kill you so I can add the date of your DEATH."

Then leave. Boy, will she be pissed. But trust me, she will finally get the message.

Then call her every day, for as long s it takes, to ask her if she knows the date of her death yet. Always use the word, "Death." You might want to ask her what music to play at her funeral. "Do you want the Mormon Tabernacle Choir at the service, or should we save them for the burial site?" She probably won't talk to you after awhile, but still leave the message.

Until she gets out, gets help, and gets on with her life without HIM.

For those on a budget, Mrs. Linklater recommends a trip to the Hallmark store and the purchase of several tasteful Sympathy Cards. Then, over lunch with your sister you could bring them out and ask her which ones she likes best. When she inquires whom they are for you just say, "Oh, I'm going to give them to Mom and Dad after HE kills you. Which one do you think they'll like best?

Mrs. Linklater is not kidding. If there's one thing she's learned working with battered women, it's that the longer a woman stays in an abusive relationship the more she becomes deaf to the concerns of her friends. Until he beats her up so bad she almost dies. Or, in fact, she wakes up one day and she's already dead. So you have to do something that makes the point LOUD AND CLEAR.

Mrs. Linklater is nothing if not helpful. In her own special way.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "MEDICATED" Edition

2006-02-24T15:06:00.000-08:00

What are the seven deadly sins again? Fast food, napping, long baths, turning off the phone, good sex [bad sex is NOT a sin], posting an entry from last year, and chocolate.

Mrs. Linklater hasn't visited the advice columnists for awhile -- at the request of local law enforcement, but now that she's out on parole, what's the harm in sticking her nose where it ain't wanted while she's waiting for sentencing. Ya know?

ASK AMY -- The Chicago Tribune May 30, 2005

Dear Amy: I am married to a good, kind man who loves me very much. Our children are married, so it is just the two of us. We are in our 50s and in good health. . .He suffers from chronic depression and has been taking antidepressants, which have helped him. . .My husband was abused by clergy when he was a child, and severe depression also runs in his family. Remarkably, he is a kind and thoughtful father and husband, and a successful businessman. . .We are no longer intimate because of the side effects of his medications, but we are still best friends. I'm thankful that he is in my life. . .Do you have any words of encouragement for those of us who know we have chosen the right path and will stay on it, but still have a persistent wistfulness that things could be different? -- Wishing

Dear Wishing: For all of the people who contact me saying they want to leave their marriages because they aren't quite the trip to the moon on gossamer wings they'd expected, I offer up your story, which is one of love and devotion through sickness and health. . .Even those of us without the burdens you face feel a persistent wistfulness that things could be different. Persistent wistfulness goes along with late middle age, and I don't know a person in that stage of life who doesn't feel it. . . I read your letter to Barbara Blaine, an abuse survivor and now president of SNAP. She wants you to know that you and your husband are not alone, and that you could both benefit from meeting with other survivors and spouses. To locate a local meeting, check the SNAP. Web site at www.snapnetwork.org, or call 877-762-7432.

Mrs. Linklater BUTTS IN, shouting and screaming like a woman over fifty who owns cats. [As a reminder, Mrs. L is over sixty and has no pets] YO AMY, YOU SOUND LIKE A BIG BAG OF WIND. Stop with the platitudinous drivel. If the poor man is on medication AND in therapy, BUT he has no interest in sex [the medication is an excuse, trust me] and he's ALWAYS sad, he's still EXTREMELY depressed. Here's a clue to his problem -- the medication and therapy ARE NOT WORKING. And while we're at it, persistent wistfulness does not go along with middle age.

Dating younger men or sporting a combover is a sign of middle age. Wistfulness on the other hand is NOT.

Taking a deep breath and sighing all the time is a symptom of DEPRESSION, not middle age. So his wife is suffering too.

It's time to sound the alarm. With all due respect for SNAP and the services they provide, this kind and gentle man is at risk for suicide. He needs to be completely re-evaluated. He should be put on different and perhaps more powerful medication to start. But even more importantly, what kind of therapy is he getting? Is he doing weekly reports on self help books? Or having one on one sessions with an expert in PTSD? Let's hope he's not wasting away in some kind of once a week group therapy with the "worried well" led by an emphathetic, but undertrained social worker, where he can hide his pain behind his kind and gentle demeanor.

His wife needs a spousal support group for sure, but if something isn't done soon, she'll be in a survivors of suicide group instead. Sorry, Mrs. Linklater gets all wound up sometimes. This time she'll probably get slapped with a REAL restraining order.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "WHEN PIGS FLY" Edition

2006-02-19T08:38:00.000-08:00

Margo Howard [Ann Landers' often married daughter] has just started spouting her opinion at Yahoo and Mrs. Linklater couldn't wait to get over there to see what advice column travesties were taking place. It wasn't easy. Mrs. L risked life and limb dodging Yahoo's webcam porn sites and hundreds of penis prosthesis spammers as she made her way to Margo's. Sheesh. Does anybody have a moist towelette?

Dear Margo: How do you handle a person who constantly disagrees with whatever you say? My mother seems to correct, disagree or play the expert with whomever she's talking. . . in almost every conversation. For example, if I made a comment like "the sky is really blue today," she would reply, "Well, I think it's more violet."

She has done this as long as I can remember, but I never noticed it until she did it to my husband. . . It is so bothersome that we've reduced our visits. I have never confronted her about this habit, as she doesn't take well to criticism. Should I just stand by and ignore it? Should I say something. . .? -- Battered

Dear Bat: If you're old enough to have a husband, my dear, it is safe to say that your mother is too old to undo this habit. . . Accept it and ignore it.
. . .[T]he proper response is silence. There is nothing you could say that would help the situation.
. . . [I[t's kind of sad that she feels the need to always be right.

Since Mrs. Linklater is a self proclaimed know it all whose idea of a good time is to contradict everything you say -- she just had to check to see if this letter was written by a member of her own family first.

Phewf.

Mrs. Linklater can't imagine being SILENT when this NO-It-All Mom cranks it up. That's right, the correct term is NO It All, because that's what Mom is saying to everyone -- "No, you're wrong, I have ALL the top secret information you don't have."

Actually, Mrs. Linklater knows what's really going on here.

We have a NO-It-All daughter who is just like her NO-It-All mom. And the daughter really hates it when Mom contradicts her. Not that SHE would ever think of contradicting her mother. Haaaaa.

For fun, Mrs. L would throw out the bait to the Motherlode with harmless little conversational statements like, "I think it's kind of warm in here." "Don't cookies taste great with milk?" "Doesn't George Bush look like Alfred E. Newman?"

BUT before Mom can say NO you're wrong, Mrs. L would make a pre-emptive strike and say to Mom after every statement, "But let's ask the expert first -- Mom?" Watch Mommie Dearest start to back off. After awhile, she'll start saying things like, "But I'm not really an expert. . . ."

Or, you can take the kinder gentler route and just agree with Mama -- but in a VERY BIG WAY. Those times when you say the sky looks really blue and Mom says NO she thinks it's more violet -- let her be right. "OMG!! Mom, you're absolutely right. The sky IS violet -- Hey, everybody, Mom's right, the sky isn't blue -- what were we thinking -- it's violet!!!"

Okay okay, Mrs. L is getting carried away. The simplest thing to do is for everyone, especially her daughter, to just agree with her. Is that so hard? Don't give her the silent treatment. That's mean.

Say, "Mom, I never noticed, but, I think you've got a point, I can see how you would think the sky looks violet today."

Then watch a contradictory Mom's contrary ways start to melt like a popsicle on a hot sidewalk. A little validation goes a long way.

Come on. Would it kill you?

Does Mrs. Linklater hear the sounds of pigs flying?

Ask Mrs. Linklater "SHOTGUN MARRIAGE" Edition

2006-02-18T12:57:00.000-08:00

Here's another golden oldie from Ask Mrs. Linklater's closet.

Jeanne Phillips is Dear Abby. Her mother was the original Dear Abby. Dear Abby's sister was Ann Landers. Mrs. Linklater doesn't know what any of this means, but, as usual, that won't stop her from butting in whenever she pleases.

Dear Abby: I just found out that I'm pregnant, and I'm thrilled. I'm getting married in September -- and that's the problem. At the time my wedding is scheduled, I'll be nine months pregnant.

The day we're being married has special significance to my fiance. I don't know how to tell him I don't want to waddle down the aisle. I have told him about the baby, but I don't know how to bring up changing the date of the wedding. I don't want to ruin it for him -- but I don't know if I can handle a formal wedding when I'm about to pop.

Am I being selfish, or would it be a good idea to ask him to change the date?

-- Scared In Oregon

Dear Scared: For heaven's sake, speak up. To do so is not selfish; it's practical. Remember that babies don't always arrive exactly on time -- sometimes they decide to come early.

When you're standing at the altar exchanging your vows, you should not have to worry about your water breaking.

MRS. LINKLATER STOPS DOING HER KEGELS FOR A MINUTE TO INTERRUPT HERE WITH AN OPINION THAT WILL NO DOUBT SHOCK AND DISMAY MOST PEOPLE.

FIRST, SHE ACKNOWLEDGES HOW DIFFICULT IT MUST BE TO PLAN A WEDDING BETWEEN CONTRACTIONS. MEANWHILE, IT SOUNDS TO MRS. L LIKE THE GROOM WANTS TO REAP THE BENEFITS OF A TWO-FER -- HAVING HIS CAKE AND A BABY. TOO.

WHILE SHE IS WELL AWARE OF HOW EVERY BRIDE WANTS TO LOOK HER BEST [THE THIN THING] FOR HER NUPTIALS, IF SHE'S KNOCKED UP ALL BETS ARE OFF. OH SURE, SHE CAN WAIT UNTIL THE BABY IS BORN AND HAVE THE CEREMONY LATER. OR GET MARRIED EARLIER, SAY BEFORE MAKING BABIES, BUT ANYONE CAN DO THAT.

MRS. LINKLATER THINKS WE ALL OUGHT TO CONSIDER THE UP SIDE OF WALKING DOWN THE AISLE AS YOUR WATER MAY BE BREAKING. ONCE YOU GET PREGNANT THE REASON FOR GETTING MARRIED BECOMES PRETTY APPARENT. WHY NOT CELEBRATE IT!!

KUDOS TO THE MAN WHO IS WILLING TO TELL THE WORLD THAT HIS GIRLFRIEND IS PREGNANT BY THROWINGHER A FANCY WEDDING RIGHT WHEN SHE'S ABOUT TO DELIVER. IT WASN'T TOO LONG AGO THAT THESE WEDDINGS WERE ACCOMPANIED BY AN ARMED AND DANGEROUS FATHER.

HERE WE ARE A GENERATION LATER AND THE BRIDE CAN NOT ONLY WALK DOWN THE AISLE ON HER WAY TO THE DELIVERY ROOM, SHE CAN WEAR THE TRADITIONAL WHITE GOWN, ALTHOUGH SOMETHING WASHABLE WOULD BE SMART.

SO IF YOU'RE GOING TO FLAUNT TRADITION, DO SO WITH PRIDE. THE ONLY SUGGESTION MRS. LINKLATER OFFERS IS TO MAKE SURE ALL THE BRIDESMAIDS ARE PREGNANT TOO, SO THE BRIDE WON'T BE UPSTAGED BY ANY SKINNY GIRLS.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "MILF" Edition

2006-02-09T07:01:00.000-08:00

The following was originally posted in March of 2005.

It's that time of the month, when Mrs. Linklater sticks her nose into someone else's business. Without being asked. What? You think she's going to apologize?

ASK AMY -- The Chicago Tribune, Published March 1, 2005

Dear Amy: I am divorced. My daughter is a company representative and travels for her job.

Last October, when my daughter was seven months pregnant, her husband confided in me that they had not had "relations" in over a month, and weren't going to until six weeks after the baby was born.

We were both under the influence of alcohol and things got out of hand. He convinced me that he needed loving. I'm ashamed to say I was more than willing to give it, and this happened numerous times during her pregnancy. I told him he wasn't allowed any more "support" from me once the baby came.

Last week my daughter went to a sales show out of state and he came to me again. At first I didn't want to allow this, but I convinced myself that if it weren't me he was with, it would be someone else.

He only asks when she is unavailable. Am I just justifying this, or should I take it more seriously? And please don't suggest counseling for them -- they love each other.

-- Confused in L.A.

Dear Confused: You're the one who needs to have her head examined, I'm afraid. I'm not sure how you expect me to react to your stupidity, except to tell you to stop it. Of course I feel very sorry for your daughter. She's related to two selfish people who don't seem to respect or care about her.

Because you and your son-in-law are sexually involved, you are exposing one another -- and your daughter -- to sexually transmitted diseases. You and your son-in-law are being despicable. What's worse is that there is now a child in your family who deserves so much better than to be born into an episode of "The Jerry Springer Show."

Please. Don't make Mrs. Linklater choke on her tall de-caf mocha Frappuccino with a shot of almond.

Sounds like son-in-law was looking for a MILF and decided to choose the one closest to his house. I smell Deliverance. Start the banjo music.

[Don't know what a MILF is? Ask a teenaged boy.]

Here is Mrs. Linklater's advice to the mother who can't seem to stop herself from having sex with her daughter's husband:

Take a nice hot bath. Light some scented candles. Put on your sexiest lingerie. Your newest shoes. Your best outfit. And do your hair.

Now. Go play in traffic.

Thank you. I'm here all week.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "JAILBAIT" Edition

2006-02-08T15:30:00.000-08:00

The following is the last column written by Margo Howard for Slate, the online magazine. She moves to Yahoo to write under her real name MARGO. And somebody else takes over Dear Prudence. Mrs. Linklater can hardly wait. ANOTHER advice column to eviscerate. But in a good way. Oh the thrill of it all!!! By the way, STICK A FORK IN IT was a re-run of a previous post from January 2005. In the interest of full disclosure and the two people who read it when it was originally posted in her AOL journal, Mrs. Linklater's Guide to the Universe, she felt compelled to come clean.

From Dear Prudence in Slate Magazine, February 8, 2005

Dear Prudence,
My young niece secretly eloped with a much older convicted felon during the holidays.

None of the family, including her parents, was aware of it until after the new year. It suddenly occurred to the bride that she missed out on an opportunity to receive some nice wedding presents.

She conned her doting grandparents into hosting and paying for a "wedding" with the white dress, seven bridesmaids, and a barbecue for 100 expected guests. I wouldn't have had a problem had it been billed as a wedding reception, but the invitations were the schmaltzy "you are invited to celebrate the beginning of Jack & Jill's life together" and included business cards from the merchants where she was registered for gifts.

One of the cards even had a dollar figure on it as a minimum gift amount. I declined the invitation, even after the bride's grandmother threatened never to speak to me again if I didn't attend.

I'm all for marital bliss, but not as a fundraiser, and announcing that you won't be my friend if I don't come to your party is a little too much like junior high school for me. Am I being picky?

—Ticked

Dear Tic,
Even with a thesaurus, Prudie is having trouble coming up with a word to apply to a minimum dollar amount written on a merchant's business card enclosed in a party invitation. (We will not even deal with an almost certainly immature bride and the groom's alma mater, as it were.) The odds are good that you are not the only one to look askance at this charade, and that Granny will be threatening quite a few others on the guest list.

—Prudie, indefensibly

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mrs. Linklater regrets that she is unable reply to this advice column calamity because she just wet her panties from laughing so freaking hard.

If this letter to the Prudarama was NOT made up, it should have been. And if it is indeed real, Mrs. L thinks that anyone who has been invited to this train wreck of a wedding and reception should pay the minimum guest rate and absolutely, positively attend.

In a clown suit.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "STICK A FORK IN IT" Edition

2006-02-08T05:09:00.000-08:00

Mrs. Linklater has been on a mission lately to stop advice column madness before it spreads. She does this without any thought for her safety. And she can hardly wait for the thanks of a grateful nation.

Dear Amy: I have sort of a weird problem. I live with my husband and teenage son, both of whom drive me absolutely crazy with a particular eating habit -- namely, scraping a bowl or plate many, many, many times with a clinking fork or spoon to get out the last bit of lettuce, noodle or whatever.

I know this isn't a big deal, but we have plans to live together for a year or more on a small sailboat in the not-too-distant future, and I'm afraid I might shove one of them overboard one fine evening as dinner is drawing to a close. Do I have a right to make them overhaul their eating habits for my own personal sanity?

Can you help?

-- Gritting My Teeth

Dear Gritting: Nothing ruins a sunset quite like a man overboard. Don't resort to that.

I'm glad you know that there are far worse problems you could have on your plate than the sound of scraping cutlery, but in my book, the person who is bugged most over dinner table habits wins. Just because the perpetrators outnumber you doesn't mean they're right.

You could try some cognitive therapy techniques to make these two aware of what they're doing. Each time they scrape, they could put a dollar in a fondue pot right there at the table. You could also videotape them eating and play it back to show them what you get to see and listen to while dining.

My friend Phil Vettel, restaurant critic at the Chicago Tribune, has another suggestion for you to try on your family: chopsticks. I love it.

As usual, Mrs. Linklater is shaking her head in disbelief. Amy dear. Cognitive therapy for scraping the plate? You've gone overboard.

How about ear plugs for Mom, so she doesn't have to hear the sound. She's the one with the problem. Not her family.

Mrs. Linklater comes from the stand-over-the-sink-and-lick-the-plate-school of finishing her meal, so she is hardly in a position to fall on her fork here. But, as usual, that won't stop her.

With all due respect to Mr. Vettel for his clever suggestion, chopsticks may seem like an amusing solution, but they're only funny until someone loses an eye. And this family seems quite capable of committing acts of violence over cutlery noise. At least ONE of them does.

So Mrs. L would like to suggest that Mom buy a bunch of rubber scrapers just for those occasions when scraping the plate may be an option. Big ones for entrees. Perhaps the more delicate, smaller ones, for desserts.

What? You have a problem with that? They come in colors now. And you could decorate the handles. Just watch, thanks to Mrs. Linklater, you'll be able to register for one with a silver handle at Georg Jensen soon.

Okay. Fine. Use your fingers. But don't make that stupid sucking noise when you do. Drives me nuts.

Mrs. Linklater Apologizes For Any Inconvenience

2006-02-05T09:56:00.000-08:00

Mrs. Linklater is sorry, but she has to enable all her spam ammunition. This means comments are moderated AND you have to type in the correct letters in that stupid box to prove you aren't a machine. What a load o' crap. She hates it more than you do.
But she's being spammed by some jerkwad who won't take no for an answer.

Unfortunately, she thinks the person spamming her isn't a computer, but someone who is doing it manually. She can only wonder what else they're doing manually to get such a thrill out of spamming her again and again.

However, maybe, just maybe, it's a machine gone mad, considering how many spam messages are being left. All from one site.

Meanwhile, in Mrs. L's zeal to rid her blog of unwanted advertising, she may have accidentally removed a comment YOU made.One she no doubt LOVED. Please consider it a friendly fire deletion, because it was not intentional.

Feel free to comment again, assuming you can put up with all the barbed wire that's now in place.

And then remember what it was you wanted to say.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "TAKE THIS GIFT AND SHOVE IT" Edition

2006-02-02T13:10:00.001-08:00

Today Mrs. L goes back into the vault for no particular reason, except it's a sneaky way to slowly move stuff from her AOL blog over here. As usual, younger and more sensitive readers may want to cover their eyes as they read.

Never one to leave well enough alone, Mrs. Linklater can’t resist one more chance to butt into someone else’s messed up life. As usual, she first defers to the experts who get paid to do this for a living. Whereas our dear Mrs. Linklater does her spewing solely as a public service.

ASK AMY
Published December 21, 2004 Chicago Tribune

Dear Amy:
I'm perplexed by the mutation of the whole gift concept. I decided to give some young relatives a certain type of gift. . .and I wrote to their parents telling them of my intention and asking for specific suggestions within this gift category.

The parents' reply was to merely suggest a different gift the kids could use instead.

I had been very clear that we had decided to give them this other type of gift and made no mention of needing any other suggestions.

These are nice people, Amy, and I know they meant no offense, but what would you say in my place?

-- Not a Mail Order Catalog

Dear Catalog:
I know it's frustrating lately -- it seems as if kids have so much already and yet they can be so specific, with recommendations of brand names and gigabytes, not to mention the whole Red vs. Blue Power Ranger question. No doubt these parents thought they were being helpful and that you'd appreciate some direction on what the kids would like to receive. . .

Give these children whatever you would most like for them to have. But please don't hold it against the parents for offering you some direction -- after all, you did ask.

Sheesh, Amy. Where should Mrs. Linklater butt in first? Oh heck, let’s start with the “mutation of the whole gift concept.” I haven’t read Darwin’s Origin of Gifts, but it sounds like Catalog thinks that giving gifts to children should have nothing to do with what they want. They’re going to get what she wants to give them or else.

Frankly, she’s the one that sounds like a mutant.

But – more importantly -- did it ever occur to Catalog that the children’s parents were trying to say THAT HERS WAS THE STUPIDEST, MOST INAPPROPRIATE GIFT IDEA EVER – only in a nice way?

Apparently, that option NEVER made a blip on her radar [or Amy's for that matter -- tsk, tsk].

Even with a gentle hint from Mom and Dad, Catalog is going to stand on principle, dammit. Those kids are going to get the gifts she wants them to have and no one can stop this bulldozer when she gets it in gear.

So, in a way Amy is right -- boy Mrs. Linklater hates when that happens.

There's nothing anybody can do -- legally -- just get out of the way.

And have fun with the Malibu Barbies, Billy and Tommy. Maybe you’ll get matching Ken dolls next year.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "SPACED OUT:" Edition

2006-01-30T16:20:00.001-08:00

Before Mrs. Linklater reaches into her advice bag, she feels it necessary to explain the true meaning of an ON again OFF again boyfriend to this woebegone woman who thinks she qualifies as a girlfriend.

My dear, it goes like this: When he gets ON you, he's your boyfriend. When he gets OFF you, he's not. That's pretty much how it goes.

Meanwhile, Mrs. Linklater lets Advice Aficionada Amy explain what a "MySpace blog" is to the three people who don't know, before Mrs. L starts kicking ass and taking names.

Published January 30, 2006 Chicago Tribune

Dear Amy:
My on-and-off boyfriend of three years started a "MySpace" account about five months ago. . .Then, all of a sudden, MySpace took over his life and he started waking up immediately to log on. He had a slew of women he chatted with all day.

He met a 40-year-old woman who posted every thought that entered her head and every conversation she had into a blog -- and I was able to follow and track the progress of his relationship -- because it was all publicly posted.Of course, he and I are no longer seeing each other because I was devastated by the number and the depth of the lies he was telling me about his relationship with this woman -- even though each time he lied she would end up confirming what he had denied in her many blog entries.

Most important, I was unhappy with who I had become -- this insane voyeur logging onto MySpace each day to check up on my boyfriend. . .

What do you think of this?

-- MySpaced Out

Dear Out:
For people who don't know, MySpace.com is an online "community" of people who post their photos and life stories, build "friendships" and blog their days away. (A blog is a Web log -- an online diary.)

According to one recent estimate, there are more than 70 million blogs online around the world. As your letter points out, the virtues of life on the Web are also its deficits. People can easily meet and develop relationships, but the problem with developing relationships with strangers is that strangers have no reason to respect your privacy -- especially if you don't.
Your story is yet another reason why life online has become not only messy but also so boring. People who live a virtual life don't have actual experiences. Their blogs tend to reflect that. I can't understand why people are so hungry to share their every waking thought with the rest of the world -- and I certainly don't understand why people are interested in reading these musings, personal details and outright lies.

Mrs. Linklater reminds her dear readers, in case they haven't noticed, that she herself has an online blog. As a matter of fact, you're wallowing in it. So it should come as no surprise that Mrs. L takes exception to Amy's contention -- that people who live their lives online don't have a life. We just live ours sitting in a chair, wearing fuzzy slippers and sweat clothes covered in pizza stains.

As for actual experiences, besides using the bathroom, just ask anyone with a webcam how actual things can get. But we're not here to discuss Mrs. Linklater's idea of a good time, we're here to make fun of the girl who thinks she lost her boyfriend to the internet. When she really didn't have a boyfriend at all.

To quote Jerry Lewis -- HEY LAAAAAAA-DEEEEE!!!! If there weren't an internet, your alleged loved one would have been doing something else to get away from you -- watching porn, reading porn, renting porn, going out with the guys to porn shows. Always with the lies, lies and more lies until you said, okay and had sex with him. Again. Some things never change.

Meanwhile Amy, in her infinite wisdom, blames the internet for the demise of this attempt by a female to insure some domestic tranquility, when the truth is some loser guy was just treating a gullible girl the way they usually do -- badly.

Same old jokes. Different strokes.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "DIRTY SOCKS" Edition

2006-01-17T10:15:00.001-08:00

Mrs. L wants to know where does it say that being married means picking up someone else's dirty socks and underwear? For some reason Amy dear thinks this guy with dropsy should be cut some slack. Mrs. Linklater assumes the Obi Wan Kenobi position for her answer. Oh, wait, that's Star Wars, not Star Trek.

Amy Dickinson
Published January 17, 2006 Chicago Tribune

Dear Amy: I have been married for 10 years and have three young children.

I am not one to complain to others about my husband. However, I often hear many of the same complaints (that I internalize) from everyone: He never picks up after himself, he leaves dirty socks on the floor, he lets the kids run crazy and has no idea of what the house rules are.

All he does on weekends is sit and watch football.

How can so many women have the same complaints?

Why do so many men think there is a magic fairy who is going to pick up after them?

. . .I love my husband, but his behavior drives me nuts!

Any advice?

-- Frustrated Spouse

Dear Frustrated:
. . .Many women have men-grievances, just as many men have female trouble, if you know what I mean.

Some of what you're wrestling with might be dealt with by changing your perspective about what your husband does and doesn't do. Does he make a good living, maintain your vehicles and take care of the exterior of the house? Does he do yardwork, install your storm windows, put money away for the kids' education? Does he get frustrated that you don't value what he does do at home? Does he think that you magnify his flaws?

. . .One way to kick-start your thinking about your husband and his role in your family would be to read about the actual and perceived differences between men and women. You could start with a "classic" in the genre, such as "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships," by John Gray (2003, HarperCollins).

Mrs. Linklater beams herself up for this one. She's wearing some of Seven of Nine's hand me downs. They slide through the universe better.

Amy Amy Amy, guys don't leave their dirty socks where they dropped them because they think they're not being appreciated. That's a girl trick. Guys leave their underwear where it lies because they CAN.

What makes you think he might be making big dough, taking care of the cars, and doing stuff around the house anyway? Wishful thinking? His wife already said he's watching football on TV all the time, so it's a good bet he's not doing much except lying around with his hand down the front of his shorts staring at the tube.

Meanwhile, wifey poo hates picking up after him, but she keeps doing it. Just like his mother did.

Aha, that's the real problem. The wife whines and keeps on cleaning up after TV boy. Hubby lets her whine. And keeps dropping them socks and drawers in the same puddle. His jeans, t-shirts, and shoes, too.

Mrs. L says, "Let the socks lie there." Let them all grow mold. Let the cat have kittens on them. If the dirty clothes are not in the hamper, they don't get washed. If you can't stand to look at them, sweep them into a pile on the floor of the closet. Or behind a door.

If you don't want to be treated like someone's maid, don't act like one.

Before his wife starts on her rehabilitation program, she should be a sport and tell him she's not washing anything that isn't in the dirty clothes. Then she has to stick to her guns. A couple of mornings looking through the pile of moldy oldies for something without skidmarks and he ought to get the hint.

Oh, and the entire pile of stuff gets thrown out after a month. Along with that silly Mars and Venus book.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "EYEBALL" Edition

2006-01-12T13:26:00.000-08:00

From time to time Mrs. Linklater barely has to raise her head off the pillow to solve advice dilemmas. Her insightful second opinions are like those tasty chocolate sprinkle thingys on frosting. But first, let Prudarama blather on and on with her own feeble attempts. *YAWN*

Dear Prudence,
My brother is engaged to a delightful, bright, attractive woman who does not wear a bra. She has very small breasts, so it's not as if she is falling out of her shirts, but she is always "nippling" (as they say). I don't believe she is trying to be provocative, but after she and my brother leave large social gatherings, there is often talk of the prominent nipple outline she displayed. This upsets me because a) I truly like her, and don't want people to remember her for her chest area, and b) it can be very distracting when one is talking to her; it makes men uncomfortable to see, and it makes our wives even more uncomfortable for their men to see. In general, I don't feel it's anyone's place to criticize another person's attire, but I wonder if there is a tactful way to send a message that we'd appreciate seeing a bit less of her.

—Getting an Eyeful

Dear Get,
Prudie was surprised by two things in your letter: the new word she learned, and that the letter writer was a man! There really is talk that people have trouble averting their gaze from this woman's shirt? In this day and age of letting it all hang out, fashionwise, it is a little unusual to find that a small-busted woman going braless is a distraction. In any case, if you feel you must try to get this woman into a bra, your best bet would be to tell your brother that he might want to suggest underthings to his fiancee because, as things are now, she makes it difficult for people to maintain eye contact. Be prepared for him to tell you to mind your own business.

—Prudie, figuratively

Okay, Mr. Eyeball full of more than you wanted to look at, [Like we're supposed to believe THAT.] Mrs. Linklater suggests that when confronted by unwanted "nippling" that you simply take off your jacket or sweater, wrap it around the young woman and say, "I can see that you're cold." Or, you could just start out your conversation with "Nice tits. So, how bout them Cubs?" Or you could talk about all the tasty "nibbles" at the party. How much you like to "nibble" before dinner. And how you were thinking about naming a new cracker product, "NIBBLES." Then in the middle of everything accidentally say "Nipple" instead of "Nibble."

Why does Mrs. L think her suggestions won't be well received?

Ask Mrs. Linklater "ARTFUL FORGER" Edition

2006-01-12T12:32:00.000-08:00

You know how when there's a homicide on Law and Order and you don't want to miss any clues about how it went down? But they still trick you? Well, Dear Abby hasn't been watching the re-runs very closely, because this crime scene has more clues than Colonel Mustard in the bathroom with the plunger. Poor dear, Abby had her turn, but she missed the obvious. Thank heavens Mrs. Linklater can smell the sweat of demented, disturbed and difficult to fire employees -- like this one is going to be.

Dear Abby
Published January 11, 2006 Chicago Tribune

Dear Abby: I have owned a business for 13 years. Recently one of my employees forged a customer's check in the amount of $1,000.

I have tried to talk to him and ask why, and I have threatened to go to the police. We have more than just a working relationship. We did a lot of things together outside of work, but never had a sexual relationship.

This man worked for me for more than two years and, other than this crime, was a perfect employee. He insists that he didn't "forge" the check that he had cashed at the customer's bank, and he tries to justify it by saying he felt he "deserved" the "extra" money. I always paid him on time and gave him many extra perks. Please help me.

-- Lost Big-Time in Illinois

Dear Lost Big-Time: Wake up! Your "perfect employee" is a thief, a forger and a sociopath. He may be a charmer -- aren't they all! -- but that's what has enabled him to reach the point he has. For your own emotional well-being and for the sake of your business, please tell the police what you have learned.

Mrs. Linklater laughs so loud she sets off the smoke detector. Beep! Beep! Beep! Abby, open your mouth and swallow a large dose of reality. First of all, the forger's employer may not have had sex with him, but Mrs. L sure bets she was really hoping. Now you're telling her to call the cops and queer the whole deal. She also has to fire him you know.

If she's not careful, she's also going to have one ticked off employee. Mrs. L has one word for her -- POSTAL. How can Mrs. Linklater tell this goof is going to lose it when she rats him out? Because he doesn't think he stole anything. He also thinks he deserved it. And, besides, he knows she wants sex.

Meanwhile, like most women in the grip of their hormones, all she's done so far is whine, "Why did you do this? Like she can fix him. If he said THE DEVIL MADE ME DO IT, she'd probably feel relieved and say, "Oh, well, that explains everything." Then let that $1000 misunderstanding slide.

So, go ahead and give her a wake up call to get in touch with the cops. But while they're on their way over, she should also change the locks on the office doors, hire a security guard, get a restraining order, and consider moving her business to a different state in the middle of the night. She has to be willing to face the guy in court, too. It's ain't going to be pretty. Crime punishes the victims as much as the perps.

P.S. Betcha forging $1000 check isn't a big time crime, either, so this mope will be out and about very soon. And, depending on how big a sociopath is he, the guy could come after his former boss.

Meanwhile, here's what's really going to happen. This babe is such a ditz, she'll think she can save this sicko. She won't report the theft. She'll let the guy keep the money. But she says he better not do it again. They end up having sex. It's not as good as she thought it would be. She gets pregnant. He forges another check. She gets mad and says I told you not to do it again. He threatens to kill her if she reports him. They get married instead.

It could happen.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "NOT GETTIN' ANY" Edition

2006-01-08T09:33:00.000-08:00

Hey -- a brand, spanking new Ask Mrs. Linklater!! She can hardly contain herself.

Mrs. Linklater loves it when men are totally oblivious to their obliviousness. Especially about sex, where obivion seems to be the operative word.

For some reason, after all those articles in Cosmo, some men still think they can do no wrong. As long as they're satisfied, they assume she will be satisfied.

That's why when a man's wife doesn't want to have sex, he assumes there's something wrong with HER. As long as he's got the equipment and knows where it goes -- what's the problem?

It's the old, BLAME THE VICTIM tactic. Apparently our intrepid advice mavin, Cheryl, is willing to blame the victim too. Once again Mrs. L has to give up reading a magazine on the toilet to prevent yet another advice column calamity. Oh, great there's no toilet paper.

Tales from the Front -- Published January 2, 2006
Chicago Tribune

Dear Cheryl: I've learned that spouses can cheat without engaging in physical contact or even going to chat rooms. It's called avoidance.

My wife has been a TV addict and avid video watcher for the last 15 years. She claims she's an insomniac and needs the TV to put her asleep. Intercourse is out because (a) the act no longer makes her sleepy, and (b) once she's finished watching TV, about 2 or 3 a.m., I'm already sleeping. If I somehow force myself to stay awake to wait for her, she promptly falls asleep before anything can happen.

When I suggest the morning as an alternative time for intercourse, she says she can't force herself to get up.

But if she has some early-morning shopping to do with a relative, she's up and ready to go. (By the way, before we had a video recorder, she spent an inordinate amount of time at night paying bills and reading newspapers.)

Yet, she's home every night, has never come home late or had any unexplained absences. I don't have the extra money to hire a detective agency to track her daily whereabouts. I've inquired, and they charge about $100 an hour. Anytime I bring up the subject of her cheating, she denies that there's a problem. Any thoughts?

-- If This Isn't Cheating, I Don't Know What Is!

Dear ITICIDKWI! It doesn't sound like cheating to me. Not if it has been going on for more than 15 years! I think your wife is avoiding sex for other reasons. You need to turn off the TV and ask her what the problem is.

Don't accuse her of cheating, simply ask her why she doesn't want to make love with you.

Is it a physical problem? Has she been to her gynecologist lately? Is it an emotional or psychological problem? Is it something she wants to discuss with a therapist? Is there something specific she doesn't like about your technique? (If she can even remember what your technique is!) Ask her what she thinks you're supposed to do about your sexual needs.

I think you need to do a lot of talking and less accusing. Please keep me informed.

Yo, Cheryl, his wife doesn't have a physical problem, except the problems he is giving her about not doing it enough. Forget the OBY-GYN. too. Since when do those people have a clue about sex -- they are in the business of making babies, not teaching how to make the act of making babies more fun.

The key word our deprived hubby uses is "intercourse." Unfortunately too many men think that quality sex equals plenty of "intercourse." For a large number of women, the ability of intercourse to give her the same pleasure he gets is less than zero.

Mrs. Linklater thinks that all men should be required to learn how to satisfy a woman without intercourse. That goes double for guys who use Viagra. If you can't please her without it, what makes you think you can please her with it. Get on, get in, get out is no longer acceptable noogie. Unless you're leaving a nice sum of money on the dresser. Mrs. L actually knew a couple who did that. That's correct, they are no longer married.

The only intercourse allowed in Mrs. Linklater's class would be social intercourse. Nothing like having a nice conversation or whispering seductive things in her ear like 'If you do this for me, I will [FILL IN THE BLANK[." Wash the dinner dishes all week. Clean the kitty litter. Walk the dog. Anything she has to do that she hates to do.

To paraphrase JFK, "Ask not what your wife can do for you; ask what you can do for your wife." Even better, just do it. Do what? Take the basket of dirty clothes down to the laundry room. Works better than candles and rose petals on the bed. Mrs. Linklater is not kidding. The sexiest thing a husband can do for his wife may be replacing the toilet paper roll WITHOUT BEING ASKED.

Horny hubbies across America could get laid on a more regular basis -- just by running a bath for their wives and putting the kids to bed.

Oh, and it would also help BIG TIME if husbands-who-are-tired-of-excuses took more time to learn about the art of sex, instead of just the location of the plumbing. Couldn't hurt.

Next week Mrs. Linklater discusses men who only touch their wives when they want sex, entitled "Is this for free?"

Ask Mrs. Linklater "SMARTY PANTS" Edition

2006-01-08T07:19:00.000-08:00

As usual, Mrs. Linklater just can't get enough of minding other people's business. So, once again, she lets an advice columnist try to set someone on the right path. And then she butts in and saves the day.

Tales from the Front -- Cheryl Lavin

Published December 13, 2004 Chicago Tribune

Dear Cheryl: I'm a divorced mom in my 30s. I'm open to dating and potentially marrying again but am having some difficulty meeting men who aren't intimidated by my intelligence. I've discussed this with male friends and most of them agree: Many men want to be smarter than the women they date and marry. I work full time and am getting a graduate degree part time at a really top school. (Most of my classmates are married.) When I meet people and tell them where I go to school, they often seem impressed and sometimes intimidated.

Yet, I'm not the typical hard-charging, career-driven overachiever that often comes out of my grad school. Still, I'm probably smarter than your average woman. As a single parent, I don't have much free time to socialize or join clubs to meet people. I've attended church, but there wasn't anyone there to meet. Short of joining Mensa, do you have any suggestions for meeting a guy who's OK with being with someone at least as smart as he is or potentially smarter? Sometimes I wonder if I should dumb myself down initially or not mention my grad school in the hopes that after getting to know me, a guy won't be as intimidated, but I don't really think this is the best way to go. So far, though, the being-smart thing seems to make men run away.

-- Smarty Pants

Dear "Smarty Pants": I'll give you the same advice I'd give to anyone -- male or female, young or old, rich or poor, smart or not-so -- who wants to meet people: Go to the places you enjoy, do the things you like to do. That way, whether you meet someone or not, you'll have a good time. In your case, try book signings of authors you enjoy, discussions of current events, etc., etc. There are probably dozens of lectures every month just at your school. You'll meet people with your interests.

By the way, you think the reason you're not meeting men is because you're too smart. Other women think it's because they're too tall or too short or too old or too fat or have too many kids. Men think it's because they're too bald or too fat or too old or too poor or drive a too-beaten-up car. The bottom line is it's just hard to meet someone to spend the rest of your life with. Hang in there.

Blah, blah blah. Mrs. Linklater butts in and slaps Ms. Smarty Pants upside the head. Yo -- grad school girl, get over yourself!! Enough of this pretending you’re not an intimidating, hard-charging career-driven overachiever. Sounds like the first thing out of your mouth after you tell someone your name is where you go to grad school. Hi, My name is Smarty Pants and I go to the top school in the country. And you don’t.

That’s always an icebreaker.

So let’s take stock here. First of all, there are plenty of guys who like smart women. As for finding them, you may have to go outside the box a bit. Take flying lessons. Go on a river-rafting trip. Join an adventurer’s club. Hang out in the cafeteria of a hospital [worked for one friend].

The real question is – do you have anything else going for you? A personality, for instance? A sense of humor? A hobby? A nice wardrobe? An attractive, well-toned body? Anything? You may be smart, but nothing else. Time to get real about what you have to offer besides your SAT scores.

You may also be under the mistaken impression that anyone who didn’t go to a grad school as good as yours couldn’t possibly be as smart as you are. So you aren’t even giving those guys a chance. That’s kinda dumb, Smarty Pants.

The next time you meet someone, remember, it’s not a job interview. Your resume doesn’t count. Your social skills do. Engage a guy in conversation, show genuine interest in who he is and what he does and, trust Mrs. Linklater, he’ll think you’re a genius. Isn't that what you wanted in the first place?

Ask Mrs. Linklater "SIBLING RIVALRY" Edition

2006-01-08T03:48:00.000-08:00

Mrs. Linklater suddenly realized she could save herself a boatload of time and get credit for posting more often if she ran some of her early efforts that she knows most of you missed. No need to thank her now. Valentine's Day is coming.

It's the holidays. And what more perfect time for Mrs. Linklater to butt into people's lives and save them from themselves, after the advice columnists go first, of course.

Published December 6, 2004, Chicago Tribune

Dear Amy: I have a middle-age sibling who is pretentious, self-centered and must always be the center of attention.

Every year my siblings and I get together at Mom's house for the holidays, and I've stopped enjoying these visits.

My brother has to be in the limelight throughout these visits. He never gets tired of talking about himself, barely listens to anyone else, and he can get very cross when he thinks someone is trying to outdo him.

His Christmas gifts come with long explanations about where they come from and how unique they are, etc. When he brings food and drinks, he has to show everything around and talk about what exclusive shops they came from, blah blah blah.

I can't face another holiday season of the nonsense. Mom never discourages his insatiable desire for attention and accolades, and I've had enough.

I want to spend the holidays quietly at home with my husband. How can I stay away from these gatherings without offending my family?

-- Sick of the Show

Dear Sick: I think the answer here might be to split the difference -- and develop a good exit strategy.

Your siblings and mother might not mind your brother as much as you do, or perhaps they travel to that special holiday headspace where many things are tolerable -- as long as the eggnog doesn't run out. While others might tell you to confront this bore, I don't think Christmas is the day to do it.

If you choose to stay home this year, you don't have to offer all sorts of explanations. However, if the distance between your homes permits, perhaps you could join your family only for dessert this year, with a set time to leave and a definite plan to do so.

--Amy

Mrs. Linklater knocks over the punch bowl and butts in:
Sounds like this allegedly self-centered, attention grabbing brother might be giving his siblings some very nice, very expensive gifts and all anybody has to do to get them is listen to his stories about where they came from. While eating his expensive food. Sign me up.

Oh, sorry, we have put up with his whiny, footstomping sister, because she is sick and tired of his pretentious fur coats and Tiffany jewelry and thinks it’s time to take a stand!!! Drama Queen alert!

So, Miss Hissy Fit, you’re saying if he doesn’t stop with the generosity -- okay he's a little full of himself, too -- you’re going to what? Stay Home. Sounds like a plan to me!!! Mrs. Linklater smells envy. Mom always like him better huh? And your ten dollar Starbuck’s gift cards aren’t getting the applause you hoped for?

Neener neener neener.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "WEIGHTY PROBLEM" Edition

2006-01-05T18:19:00.000-08:00

Mrs. Linklater acknowledges that love is a mysterious thing. Like most people, she has yet to figure it out, but that has never prevented her from falling into it a few times.

Luckily, her complete lack of understanding regarding this subject will not keep her from having an opinion for the following lovestruck young woman, whose object of affection just wants to be friends. Or as we say in the relationship bidness, "Touch me and you die."

Does trained professional advice giver Prudie give this poor soul a clue? After four [yep, F-O-U-R] marriages you'd think she'd have some idea. Nope. The Prude just shrugs her shoulders, throws up her hands and says, "Sorry, not my problem. I don't do no love potions." Or something to that effect.

Thank goodness Mrs. Linklater is willing to step up to the plate. Bases loaded. Two outs. Full count.

Dear Prudie,
I've had a good guy friend for over two years. I never thought I believed in such nonsense, but it was love at first sight for me. We have the same values, interests, and we also have some of the same racial background. I have never had a friend like him. We have both changed considerably for the better since we met. I love him very much and he has caught on and said we must remain just friends. I was upset and assumed it was because I am overweight (so is he, actually) and he said the most astonishing thing: "It's nothing physical, it's the chemistry. It's just not there." I didn't understand that. Chemistry? At first I thought it was hopeless; you can't make a man love you. But then I thought of all the men who've won women's hearts. I suppose my question is, How does a woman "woo"a man?
—Waiting for Love

Dear Wait,
Cyrano de Bergerac aside, this is an esoteric if not impenetrable question. The concept of "chemistry," difficult to pin down, does have one aspect that is knowable: It is reciprocity. Chemistry may be thought of as one set of protoplasm/hormones/genes calling out to another; a kind of mutual attraction. Men do woo women, but these situations involve a woman who is amenable to being wooed. And vice versa, of course; women do woo men, but chemistry, my dear, is the one thing you cannot inject into a relationship and the one thing without which it cannot go forward.
—Prudie, regretfully

Mrs.L steps away from the cauldron. Face it Prudential, you've missed the boat on this one with your protoplasms and vice versas. Mrs. Linklater, the queen of walking on quicksand, has a surefire. guaranteed, no fail method to inject a boatload o' chemistry into this twosome:

LOSE THE WEIGHT.

Ta-da. I'm here for ya, people. When he says it's nothing physical. He means physically, you're doing nothing for him. You want a chemical reaction from him? Get your body chemistry working for you, sis.

Oh, what?!! You people think she should be acceptable just the way she is? How PC of you. Well, our little plumpette IS acceptable -- but only as a FATFRIEND. If she wants to ratchet that friendship up to having her love object ready to jump her bones, she's gonna have to perform some math on her equation-- subtract the weight. Lose the L.B.'s. Fight the fat. Ditch the double chin. Dump the dimples in your butt.

Can Mrs. Linklater be any more explicit? Get over being overweight. Get it off. And get your man.

Unless, of course, he's gay.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "DEATH IS AN OPTION" Edition

2005-12-23T04:29:00.000-08:00

Mrs. Linklater is no stranger to performing good deeds -- some of which are considered acts of mercy and cannot be included here. The deeds she performs here are to protect the unwary public from advice columnists by offering her candid responses to their often misguided advice. How convenient that she offers her selfless second opinion at the self titled Ask Mrs. Linklater, so that all ye who are heavy laden, or just big boned, can find solace from her skillful dissection of the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Dear Abby: Please explain the saying, "No good deed goes unpunished." I have heard it many times, but can't imagine where it comes from.
-- Curious in Georgia

Dear Curious: It is usually uttered when someone has tried to do something for someone else, and instead of being grateful for it, the recipient finds fault or resents it.

Mrs. Linklater snorts milk through her nose remembering all the news items describing good deeds that turned into misdemeanors or much worse. Finding fault, resentment, or even a complete lack of gratefulness hardly begins to describe the consequences that can screw up the lives of those whose sense of doing goodness overwhelms their good sense.

NOTE TO ABBY: This isn't about surprising a friend by generously painting their kitchen while they're on vacation and having them get all huffy because you chose lavendar.

This is more like the kind soul who pulls over to aid a helpless old lady who has to change her flat tire on the highway. Unfortunately said kind soul soon finds himself dead when he's killed by a careless passing motorist while tightening the lugnuts. Good deed -- PUNISHED.

There are entire professions devoted to living by the No Good Deed Goes Unpunished mantra. Obviously that would include firefighters, police officers, members of our armed forces -- you can probably see a pattern here. GAZILLIONS of Good Deeds -- ALL PUNISHED.

Your mother is another fine example of the Good Deeds Guarantee Plenty of Punishment rule. While most, but by no means all, of a mother's good deeds do not end in death, destruction of her property, ruination of her financial security, and undermining of her health no doubt happened on your watch at some point.

If dismay and disappointment were the only effects of good deeds, there would be more good Samaritans living among us. Now good deeds require plenty of cash and a comprehensive retirement plan.

Mrs. Linklater feels safe performing her acts of goodness without regard for her life only because there is an internet separating your sorry ass from hers and she can delete any comments she doesn't like.

Na na na na na.

Ask Mrs. Linklater CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO GODLINESS Edition

2005-12-06T12:46:00.000-08:00

Mrs. Linklater has noticed a double standard in this Women Can Have It All world. Men can be forgiven for being messy. Women
don't get a pass.

No matter how accomplished a woman is, if you can leave a few footprints in the dust on her coffee table, she's a failure as a human being.

Not only does the world put dirty dishes, messy closets, and dust fuzzies on her permanent record, but her own mother will rat her out.

Why is it, no matter how many times a woman is told to be all she can be, if Mom stops by and finds a couple of mushrooms growing in the clothes left on the floor, she'll call a therapist, or worse, write to an advice columnist about her daughter's "problem." Sheesh, maybe she was just growing a few fungi for a tossed salad.

Mrs. Linklater would like to take the toilet brush to this tattletale mom, but she used it to clean her car tires.

Published December 3, 2005

Dear Amy: I have a daughter who is married and has a child with another child due soon.

They have been married for four years. They lived in an apartment until last year, when they built a large home.

When they lived in the apartment, my daughter always commented that her apartment was so messy because there was no room. Now she has a large house and it is worse than before. There are dirty dishes in most of the rooms, food on the floor, clothes everywhere and toys scattered throughout. She does not seem to want to clean or keep the house in a nice condition.

I cannot tell you when the last time was that she cleaned the house. She worries about insects and other pests getting in. I have told her that she needs to keep the house cleaner in order to avoid unwanted pests, but it does not seem to do any good.

People tell me that it is none of my business and if they want to live like that, then I need to let them. I am only concerned for my grandson and for them having problems with their house. I am looking for suggestions to motivate my daughter to clean up a little better.

Her husband works and then comes home to cook the meals.

-- Concerned Mom

Dear Mom: There are a number of factors that could contribute to your daughter's messy habits. She could be depressed and/or overwhelmed by family life. Studies have established a connection between people who have ADHD and "hoarding" behavior, so treatment for ADHD can help hoarders control their problem.

Your daughter's house-cleaning isn't likely to improve once she has her second baby. Perhaps she would be open to having someone come in to help with the cleaning. Having cleaning help even twice a month would help her get a handle on the house.

You could help out by offering to do the cleaning yourself, or by paying for some sessions of cleaning help, as a gift.

Otherwise, you might point your daughter toward www.flylady.com. The "Flylady" shares common-sense cleaning and folksy organizing tips, meant for people who are overwhelmed and don't know where or how to start cleaning.

So, Amy, how clean is your house? Huh? Huh? Any yogurt lids in your bedside drawer?

In support of women who remember when landing a plane in the hanger had nothing to do with feeding a baby, Mrs. Linklater socks it to this meddlesome, unsupportive mother not once, but twice:

First a quickie: Back off, bitch!

Second, something longer and harder:

Just because your daughter isn't cleaning up to your neatfreak standards, that doesn't mean she is suffering from OCD, depression, or needs tips from flylady.com. Consider the facts:

1. She is a mom with two babies to care for.
2. She lives in a large house.
3. She doesn't have any cleaning help.
4. She doesn't have a nanny or a babysitter for the chidlren.

This young mother doesn't have psychological problems. She has a psycho for a mother. That would be YOU.

Mrs. Linklater knows that you and everybody else gave her husband a million points for coming home to cook dinner. You did, didn't you? Hey, anybody can microwave!!!

Which one of you Judge Hatchetts nodded your head in agreement with mom's concern about her daughter's housecleaning? You know who you are. Mrs. Linklater is tracking you down even as we speak.

Meanwhile how many points did anybody hand out to the daughter for probably giving up her career to stay home with two babies, deal with a big house, and get by with NO HELP? Can you count to zero?

WELL, SHAME ON ALL OF YOU!!! May all your vacuum cleaners choke on a hair ball.

Just because a woman can have it all, doesn't mean she should have to DO IT ALL.

If this young family has enough money for a large house, they should have enough money for a nanny or a babysitter.

They have should enough money for cleaning help once a week. Not twice a month.

And Dad can do more than dinner - he can do the dishes, the laundry, and put the kids to bed, too.

Over the years Mrs. Linklater has noticed a disturbing trend. When she was growing up Moms stayed home with their children. Even then, middle class families could afford cleaning help twice a week. That's why mothers wore dresses. They had time to take a bath and look nice. They had time to enjoy cooking.

Why is it, the more accomplished a woman has become, the more she is expected to do. The bigger the house, the better she's supposed to be at keeping it clean and decorated.

Without any help.

That's what's depressing.

Ask Mrs. Linklater POKER FACE Edition

2005-11-30T13:34:00.000-08:00

Sometimes Mrs. Linklater wants to scream at the people who are stupid enough to play poker on the internet, but today she would rather scream at the people who were stupid enough to write to advice columnists because they were stupid enough to fall in love while playing poker on the internet. HEY, YOU ARE SO STUPID!! Of course, she means that in a concerned and caring way.

When it comes to internet relationships of the love or poker playing kind, Mrs. L thinks men fall in love faster online than anywhere for any reason.

A twenty year old headshot with a forty year old hairdo and good typing skills is about all it takes to get a proposal from Mr. Lonely. Women are more gullible, however. You can tell a woman you're a short, heavy version of Vince Vaughn with less hair or you drive a five year old Toyota Corolla that looks like a Corvette from the right angle, and she'll fly you to Vegas.

Meanwhile, here's today's tragic tale with Mrs. Linklater's opinion following right behind Amy's behind.

Published November 30, 2005 Chicago Tribune

Dear Amy: I need advice on what is happening in my life. Eight months ago, I joined an online poker site to unwind from work.

I met a lady on this site. It started out innocently enough. We'd meet at the tables and do some flirting back and forth. We started trading information. She's a little older than I am. She has two kids -- one in college.

For a couple of months, I thought she was either divorced or widowed and lonely, because we started to get more intimate (if that is the right word) on the chat. We'd make plans to meet and run off to Vegas. Then one evening she let me know that she was still happily married. She said that she was sorry, but she hadn't felt like this for some time. I made her feel like she was in high school again.

I haven't felt like this in a long time either. I really love her, even though we have never met in person. We decided to step back, and she was going to work on things with her hubby. We also decided to try and stay friends, a little poker now and then and flirting with other people on the poker site. But things have started heating up again.

We don't know what to do. We don't want to lose the other, but we know this can't go on as is. Can you help us?

-- Poker Face

Dear Poker Face: Poker is a game that rewards craftiness, feints and deceit.

Love, however, is not a game. Love needs honesty and integrity to grow.

I feel the need to point out the obvious -- that your love object might not be a married woman with two kids in college. She might be a middle-age long-haul trucker named "Manny" who enjoys messing with you.

Internet "relationships" are so enticing because we can invent our own identities and hide our weaknesses and insecurities. You don't love her. She doesn't love you. This entire relationship is an invention.

If you can only develop relationships in the virtual world that you can't develop in the actual world, then you have a problem larger than whether you and your poker buddy love each other.

The Web can be highly addictive, and the consequences of Internet addictions are similar to other addictions. This addiction would be hard to break without help, and I hope that you will recognize this problem and decide to do something about it.

Mrs. Linklater yells from the bathroom where she is removing unslightly blemishes with a flamethrower.

"Yo, Poker Face -- TURN OFF THE COMPUTER!!"

Sometimes this job is a little too easy.

Ask Mrs. Linklater MONKEY POOP Edition

2005-11-20T21:19:00.000-08:00

Mrs. Linklater was shocked to learn of the misinformation foisted on small children by their parents. She can feel the pain of this conscientious zookeeper who is upset when dumb old Mom or Dad is so ignorant they don't know a Horses Assaronious from a Dumb Assaronious. Dear Abby's advice is that we should all learn to say, "I don't know." But Mrs. L thinks we all ought to follow Steve Martin's sage wisdom and simply say, "I forgot."

Published November 18, 2005

Dear Abby: I work at a large zoo, in the children's zoo department. I cannot count the number of timesI have heard parents lie to their child about the animals they are observing.

In an enclosure with several species of animal, for example, they will tell their child that pygmy species (smaller than non-pygmy when full-grown) are actually babies of large animals. I have also seen them give incorrect information about animal behavior, diet and habitat.

These parents should respect their child enough to admit that they sometimes don't know the answer. If you don't know the answer, ask a keeper. We are usually on hand and don't mind talking about the animals we love and interact with daily. It pains us to hear parents provide misinformation to children.

-- Keeper in the East

Dear Keeper: It does a child a grave disservice to give him or her misinformation. Children are little vessels. If you fill their heads with nonsense, they'll pour it forth at a later date -- embarrassing themselves in front of friends or in the classroom.

It seems that one of the most difficult phrases in the English language for people to utter is, "I don't know." Perhaps that's because they are afraid it will make them appear stupid, so they try to fill the vacuum by saying something -- a mistake. A more constructive approach is to say, "I don't know, but I'll help you get the answer," especially when talking to a child.

Zoos were created for the purpose of education, conversation, recreation and research. When visiting a zoo, if you have a question, you should ask a zookeeper or a docent, if one is provided.

Mrs. Linklater leaps up from her spot under the bridge. Holy pygmy rhino, Ms. Zookeeper, have you been sniffing the monkey kibble? Parents have been lying to their children since they asked where babies came from. What's wrong with making up a story about why elephants have trunks? Kids love to tell Mom and Dad they're wrong.

Mo-o-o-m, elephants don't buy their trunks at Sears! What a perfect time for a parent to feign shock and ignorance, then invoke the Steve Martin mantra -- "I forgot." Your children love it when they can know more than you do. Isn't that the real lesson for them to learn at the zoo?

As for you Abby, zoos aren't for education, recreation, research, etc., etc. Zoos are for bears that sit up and eat marshmallows. Elephants that crush watermelons. Monkeys that throw poop. And parents who make up crazy stories about strange and exotic creatures. Yes, that's a real snuffalupagus, Susie.

Basically are you two sticklers for truth saying Mrs. Linklater and her ilk can't tell the kiddies that a camel is a horse made by a committee anymore? You're no fun.

So when we see baboons copulating or, ahem, other gratifying behaviors, you want us to DESCRIBE THEM honestly and truthfully? Well, honey, even though they're monkeys, the scientists call that doggy style.

Actually, on reflection, Mrs. L thinks you two zoo twits may both may be right after all. It IS better to find a zookeeper and ask her what the heck they're doing. Just to see the look on her face.

Meanwhile, I have to get this monkey shine off my jacket.

Ask Mrs. Linklater TUB O' GUTS Edition

2005-11-19T13:13:00.000-08:00

Mrs. Linklater loves it when hubby finally puts down the remote and declares himself a disaster area. And then starts pointing the finger at wifey-poo like it was her fault for his bad self all along. Looks like it's crack the whip time here in Mrs. L-Town. While she's looking for her leather bustier and thigh high boots, you can read what advice Miss Ellie suggested as a solution to this marital monkey bidness.

BY ELLIE TESHER Publiched in the Chicago Sun-Times November 19, 2005

DEAR ELLIE: I'm 57, and I haven't had physical relations with my wife in 14 years. I've been getting therapy for depression, and I've started a lifestyle change. I've lost a lot of weight, and my libido has improved along with my energy.

However, I no longer find my wife attractive, as she's gained a lot of weight over many years. When we met, I told her I wasn't attracted to heavy women. She gave up trying to hold her weight down. Now she's working out with me four days a week but not making much progress.

My therapist said to develop a network of friends, but I have a hard time making male friends. So I've tried to make female friends, but this upsets my wife. I don't know what to do.

CHANGING

DEAR CHANGING: First, put down your bag of excuses and defenses. That should make your situation easier to grasp.

Your lifestyle change for better health, energy and mood is good news. Expecting your wife to change and catch up immediately is just plain unfair. Women have a harder time losing weight -- they put it on in different places and need longer periods of behavior change in diet, exercise and nutrition -- than men.

Unless you give her encouragement for trying -- rather than rejection -- it's that much harder for her. It seems you believe it was OK to give up sex when you chose. Now, saying you're "not attracted" sounds to me like yet another punitive rebuff. Talk to your therapist about how you relate to your wife.

In my opinion, you may need friends, but you also need to work on repairing this marriage that you've neglected too long.

Mrs. Linklater cracks her original Lash LaRue hand tooled leather whip. CRACK. Take that you friendless former Fatboy. You lose a little weight and think you're God's gift, huh?

Mrs. L especially loves it when husbands like this newly slim Jim claim,"I haven't had relations with my wife in fourteen years." Are you bragging or something, Lover Boy?

Doesn't sound like she's been DYING to have sex with YOU either, Flabio. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! If you're like many husbands who complain about not being attracted to their spouses, your Rollover Beethoven technique probably got old pretty early.

So on some level she listened to what you said about not liking fat women and said, "Hey, If I can keep this bozo away from me with a few bags of Oreos, it'll be worth it." Worked didn't it? Correct me if I'm wrong, but weren't you FAT too?

Meanwhile, your therapist has encouraged you to create a network of friends, now that you're feeling more friendly. But despite your best efforts they're all females? Where are you hanging out? Chat rooms? How's that combover working for you?

You married someone who was willing to put up with your no fun self for all this time. Now that you're getting sleek and feeling sassy you want a do-over? So typical.

You're a work in progress. Half-baked at best. Don't jump off the train when you're only halfway to the destination.

Mrs. Linklater sounds so zen sometimes.

Okay, gotta get out of this bustier, it's chafing. And these boots are killing my feet.

Mrs. Linklater Kicks Butt In A New Place

2005-11-17T22:44:00.000-08:00

Mrs. Linklater has been kicking butt wherever she finds it. Now she's here.

She is going to devote this blog to taking on advice columnists. For years she wondered what her life's work would be. Making fudge in a beachtown? Not a chance. Removing shoelaces from old Nike waffle trainers? It didn't happen. Working in a bikini wax factory? Unlikely.

Until one day a girlfriend called her for advice about something her child did. Her friend had already asked everyone else what to do. She was beside herself, convinced she had raised a criminal for a son. Needless to say, the actual transgression is lost to history, but Mrs. Linklater was inspired to suggest a trip to Dairy Queen for a chocolate sundae as "punishment."

She thinks that the trouble with most families is not enough chocolate sundae time with your kids. A little whipped cream. A cherry or two. Imagine the look on a juvenile delinquent's face when you don't ground them for life, you take them for a chocolate sundae.

Use your time together to review Class X felonies and their prison terms, if you feel the need. Or ask them about their friends, their schoolwork, what they're interested in, what they look for in a good parent, stuff like that. Your angry, snarling, grunting, misbehaving child may be stunned into having a conversation with you. The kind where he talks, then you talk, then he talks, you talk, remember?

Instead of those one-sided monologues you're used to.

Mrs. Linklater's friend was ecstatic. She loved chocolate sundaes.

Immediately, Mrs. Linklater realized she was on to something. This early success led her to read Dear Abby and the rest of that fraternity of females over forty to see if she agreed with their advice. After reading several disappointing columns, she decided what the world really needed was a second opinion. Hers.

And she couldn't wait to provide it. So she will be offering her take on the advice those garrulous girls in the newspapers dish out. When she can tear herself away from the fridge.