Ask Mrs. Linklater "DEATH BECOMES YOU" Edition

Another trip down memory lane for those of you who missed the first go round.

Mrs. Linklater was hoping some battered woman would step up to the plate and consult with an advice giver this week. Well, at least some battered woman's sisters did. Read the heartwarming tale of the abused woman followed by Prudence's by the book reply. Naturally, Mrs. L butts in to save the day. She's like a bulldog with a bone you know.


Dear Prudence
Posted Thursday, March 24, 2005 Slate Magazine Online

Dear Prudie,
I have two sisters, and we're all in our early 30s. One sister went through a divorce a couple of years ago, and she's dated a few men since. She met someone last year and told us she was in love with him. We all met him, and he seemed very nice; they had a lot in common. She moved in with him a few months later. Not too long after moving in together, they had a huge fight, and he beat her up. . .We since discovered he'd been violent toward her in other situations. She recently decided that she wanted him back and said it didn't matter what we thought. . .We feel we should not have to forgive him for what he did. . .My sister and I never want to see him or be around him. Should we stand by our sister, no matter what her decision? Or should we stand our ground, even if it means losing our relationship with her?

—Younger Sister

Dear Young,
It is always a good idea to keep the lines of communication open—in this case, so that you can be available to help your sister when/if she comes to her senses, hopefully before he hurts her again. Prudie's suggestion is to strongly convey your point of view, and give her some information about battered women and the prognoses of these damaging relationships. By all means, begin a paper trail of his transgressions, and call in the police when necessary. Tolerate the guy in a superficial sense, so that you're not cut off from your sister, and she'll come to you for help.

—Prudie, historically


Mrs. Linklater sticks her butt in like a dumptruck getting ready to unload. Enough of this namby pamby "keep the lines of communication open" CRAP!!!

Big Sis is on the reckless road to OJ Simpson land. And there's no return with that ticket. The time for your empathetic support is OVER!! Here's what Mrs. Linklater would do if this were her sister:

She would purchase a headstone. Yes, she would spend the money and buy a grave marker. You read that right. Then she would put her sister's name on it. Maybe with "Our Beloved Sister" above it and a couple of angels with harps.

Underneath her sister's name, she'd add "BORN" and the date of her sister's birth. When all the lettering was finished, she would drag the marker to her sister's house, put it in the ground, surround it with lots of fake flowers, including one of those huge floral sprays with RIP on it, ring the doorbell, get her sister to come out and say to her, "Hi, Sis. I hear you're back with What's His Name. So I took the liberty of getting your gravestone in advance. You can see I've had your name and the date of your birth put on it. I just need to know when you think he's going to kill you so I can add the date of your DEATH."

Then leave. Boy, will she be pissed. But trust me, she will finally get the message.

Then call her every day, for as long s it takes, to ask her if she knows the date of her death yet. Always use the word, "Death." You might want to ask her what music to play at her funeral. "Do you want the Mormon Tabernacle Choir at the service, or should we save them for the burial site?" She probably won't talk to you after awhile, but still leave the message.

Until she gets out, gets help, and gets on with her life without HIM.

For those on a budget, Mrs. Linklater recommends a trip to the Hallmark store and the purchase of several tasteful Sympathy Cards. Then, over lunch with your sister you could bring them out and ask her which ones she likes best. When she inquires whom they are for you just say, "Oh, I'm going to give them to Mom and Dad after HE kills you. Which one do you think they'll like best?

Mrs. Linklater is not kidding. If there's one thing she's learned working with battered women, it's that the longer a woman stays in an abusive relationship the more she becomes deaf to the concerns of her friends. Until he beats her up so bad she almost dies. Or, in fact, she wakes up one day and she's already dead. So you have to do something that makes the point LOUD AND CLEAR.

Mrs. Linklater is nothing if not helpful. In her own special way.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "MEDICATED" Edition

What are the seven deadly sins again? Fast food, napping, long baths, turning off the phone, good sex [bad sex is NOT a sin], posting an entry from last year, and chocolate.

Mrs. Linklater hasn't visited the advice columnists for awhile -- at the request of local law enforcement, but now that she's out on parole, what's the harm in sticking her nose where it ain't wanted while she's waiting for sentencing. Ya know?

ASK AMY -- The Chicago Tribune May 30, 2005

Dear Amy: I am married to a good, kind man who loves me very much. Our children are married, so it is just the two of us. We are in our 50s and in good health. . .He suffers from chronic depression and has been taking antidepressants, which have helped him. . .My husband was abused by clergy when he was a child, and severe depression also runs in his family. Remarkably, he is a kind and thoughtful father and husband, and a successful businessman. . .We are no longer intimate because of the side effects of his medications, but we are still best friends. I'm thankful that he is in my life. . .Do you have any words of encouragement for those of us who know we have chosen the right path and will stay on it, but still have a persistent wistfulness that things could be different? -- Wishing

Dear Wishing: For all of the people who contact me saying they want to leave their marriages because they aren't quite the trip to the moon on gossamer wings they'd expected, I offer up your story, which is one of love and devotion through sickness and health. . .Even those of us without the burdens you face feel a persistent wistfulness that things could be different. Persistent wistfulness goes along with late middle age, and I don't know a person in that stage of life who doesn't feel it. . . I read your letter to Barbara Blaine, an abuse survivor and now president of SNAP. She wants you to know that you and your husband are not alone, and that you could both benefit from meeting with other survivors and spouses. To locate a local meeting, check the SNAP. Web site at www.snapnetwork.org, or call 877-762-7432.

Mrs. Linklater BUTTS IN, shouting and screaming like a woman over fifty who owns cats. [As a reminder, Mrs. L is over sixty and has no pets] YO AMY, YOU SOUND LIKE A BIG BAG OF WIND. Stop with the platitudinous drivel. If the poor man is on medication AND in therapy, BUT he has no interest in sex [the medication is an excuse, trust me] and he's ALWAYS sad, he's still EXTREMELY depressed. Here's a clue to his problem -- the medication and therapy ARE NOT WORKING. And while we're at it, persistent wistfulness does not go along with middle age.

Dating younger men or sporting a combover is a sign of middle age. Wistfulness on the other hand is NOT.

Taking a deep breath and sighing all the time is a symptom of DEPRESSION, not middle age. So his wife is suffering too.

It's time to sound the alarm. With all due respect for SNAP and the services they provide, this kind and gentle man is at risk for suicide. He needs to be completely re-evaluated. He should be put on different and perhaps more powerful medication to start. But even more importantly, what kind of therapy is he getting? Is he doing weekly reports on self help books? Or having one on one sessions with an expert in PTSD? Let's hope he's not wasting away in some kind of once a week group therapy with the "worried well" led by an emphathetic, but undertrained social worker, where he can hide his pain behind his kind and gentle demeanor.

His wife needs a spousal support group for sure, but if something isn't done soon, she'll be in a survivors of suicide group instead. Sorry, Mrs. Linklater gets all wound up sometimes. This time she'll probably get slapped with a REAL restraining order.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "WHEN PIGS FLY" Edition

Margo Howard [Ann Landers' often married daughter] has just started spouting her opinion at Yahoo and Mrs. Linklater couldn't wait to get over there to see what advice column travesties were taking place. It wasn't easy. Mrs. L risked life and limb dodging Yahoo's webcam porn sites and hundreds of penis prosthesis spammers as she made her way to Margo's. Sheesh. Does anybody have a moist towelette?

Dear Margo: How do you handle a person who constantly disagrees with whatever you say? My mother seems to correct, disagree or play the expert with whomever she's talking. . . in almost every conversation. For example, if I made a comment like "the sky is really blue today," she would reply, "Well, I think it's more violet."

She has done this as long as I can remember, but I never noticed it until she did it to my husband. . . It is so bothersome that we've reduced our visits. I have never confronted her about this habit, as she doesn't take well to criticism. Should I just stand by and ignore it? Should I say something. . .? -- Battered

Dear Bat: If you're old enough to have a husband, my dear, it is safe to say that your mother is too old to undo this habit. . . Accept it and ignore it.
. . .[T]he proper response is silence. There is nothing you could say that would help the situation.
. . . [I[t's kind of sad that she feels the need to always be right.

Since Mrs. Linklater is a self proclaimed know it all whose idea of a good time is to contradict everything you say -- she just had to check to see if this letter was written by a member of her own family first.

Phewf.

Mrs. Linklater can't imagine being SILENT when this NO-It-All Mom cranks it up. That's right, the correct term is NO It All, because that's what Mom is saying to everyone -- "No, you're wrong, I have ALL the top secret information you don't have."

Actually, Mrs. Linklater knows what's really going on here.

We have a NO-It-All daughter who is just like her NO-It-All mom. And the daughter really hates it when Mom contradicts her. Not that SHE would ever think of contradicting her mother. Haaaaa.

For fun, Mrs. L would throw out the bait to the Motherlode with harmless little conversational statements like, "I think it's kind of warm in here." "Don't cookies taste great with milk?" "Doesn't George Bush look like Alfred E. Newman?"

BUT before Mom can say NO you're wrong, Mrs. L would make a pre-emptive strike and say to Mom after every statement, "But let's ask the expert first -- Mom?" Watch Mommie Dearest start to back off. After awhile, she'll start saying things like, "But I'm not really an expert. . . ."

Or, you can take the kinder gentler route and just agree with Mama -- but in a VERY BIG WAY. Those times when you say the sky looks really blue and Mom says NO she thinks it's more violet -- let her be right. "OMG!! Mom, you're absolutely right. The sky IS violet -- Hey, everybody, Mom's right, the sky isn't blue -- what were we thinking -- it's violet!!!"

Okay okay, Mrs. L is getting carried away. The simplest thing to do is for everyone, especially her daughter, to just agree with her. Is that so hard? Don't give her the silent treatment. That's mean.

Say, "Mom, I never noticed, but, I think you've got a point, I can see how you would think the sky looks violet today."

Then watch a contradictory Mom's contrary ways start to melt like a popsicle on a hot sidewalk. A little validation goes a long way.

Come on. Would it kill you?

Does Mrs. Linklater hear the sounds of pigs flying?

Ask Mrs. Linklater "SHOTGUN MARRIAGE" Edition

Here's another golden oldie from Ask Mrs. Linklater's closet.

Jeanne Phillips is Dear Abby. Her mother was the original Dear Abby. Dear Abby's sister was Ann Landers. Mrs. Linklater doesn't know what any of this means, but, as usual, that won't stop her from butting in whenever she pleases.


Dear Abby: I just found out that I'm pregnant, and I'm thrilled. I'm getting married in September -- and that's the problem. At the time my wedding is scheduled, I'll be nine months pregnant.

The day we're being married has special significance to my fiance. I don't know how to tell him I don't want to waddle down the aisle. I have told him about the baby, but I don't know how to bring up changing the date of the wedding. I don't want to ruin it for him -- but I don't know if I can handle a formal wedding when I'm about to pop.

Am I being selfish, or would it be a good idea to ask him to change the date?

-- Scared In Oregon

Dear Scared: For heaven's sake, speak up. To do so is not selfish; it's practical. Remember that babies don't always arrive exactly on time -- sometimes they decide to come early.

When you're standing at the altar exchanging your vows, you should not have to worry about your water breaking.


MRS. LINKLATER STOPS DOING HER KEGELS FOR A MINUTE TO INTERRUPT HERE WITH AN OPINION THAT WILL NO DOUBT SHOCK AND DISMAY MOST PEOPLE.

FIRST, SHE ACKNOWLEDGES HOW DIFFICULT IT MUST BE TO PLAN A WEDDING BETWEEN CONTRACTIONS. MEANWHILE, IT SOUNDS TO MRS. L LIKE THE GROOM WANTS TO REAP THE BENEFITS OF A TWO-FER -- HAVING HIS CAKE AND A BABY. TOO.

WHILE SHE IS WELL AWARE OF HOW EVERY BRIDE WANTS TO LOOK HER BEST [THE THIN THING] FOR HER NUPTIALS, IF SHE'S KNOCKED UP ALL BETS ARE OFF. OH SURE, SHE CAN WAIT UNTIL THE BABY IS BORN AND HAVE THE CEREMONY LATER. OR GET MARRIED EARLIER, SAY BEFORE MAKING BABIES, BUT ANYONE CAN DO THAT.

MRS. LINKLATER THINKS WE ALL OUGHT TO CONSIDER THE UP SIDE OF WALKING DOWN THE AISLE AS YOUR WATER MAY BE BREAKING. ONCE YOU GET PREGNANT THE REASON FOR GETTING MARRIED BECOMES PRETTY APPARENT. WHY NOT CELEBRATE IT!!

KUDOS TO THE MAN WHO IS WILLING TO TELL THE WORLD THAT HIS GIRLFRIEND IS PREGNANT BY THROWINGHER A FANCY WEDDING RIGHT WHEN SHE'S ABOUT TO DELIVER. IT WASN'T TOO LONG AGO THAT THESE WEDDINGS WERE ACCOMPANIED BY AN ARMED AND DANGEROUS FATHER.

HERE WE ARE A GENERATION LATER AND THE BRIDE CAN NOT ONLY WALK DOWN THE AISLE ON HER WAY TO THE DELIVERY ROOM, SHE CAN WEAR THE TRADITIONAL WHITE GOWN, ALTHOUGH SOMETHING WASHABLE WOULD BE SMART.

SO IF YOU'RE GOING TO FLAUNT TRADITION, DO SO WITH PRIDE. THE ONLY SUGGESTION MRS. LINKLATER OFFERS IS TO MAKE SURE ALL THE BRIDESMAIDS ARE PREGNANT TOO, SO THE BRIDE WON'T BE UPSTAGED BY ANY SKINNY GIRLS.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "MILF" Edition

The following was originally posted in March of 2005.

It's that time of the month, when Mrs. Linklater sticks her nose into someone else's business. Without being asked. What? You think she's going to apologize?

ASK AMY -- The Chicago Tribune, Published March 1, 2005

Dear Amy: I am divorced. My daughter is a company representative and travels for her job.

Last October, when my daughter was seven months pregnant, her husband confided in me that they had not had "relations" in over a month, and weren't going to until six weeks after the baby was born.

We were both under the influence of alcohol and things got out of hand. He convinced me that he needed loving. I'm ashamed to say I was more than willing to give it, and this happened numerous times during her pregnancy. I told him he wasn't allowed any more "support" from me once the baby came.

Last week my daughter went to a sales show out of state and he came to me again. At first I didn't want to allow this, but I convinced myself that if it weren't me he was with, it would be someone else.

He only asks when she is unavailable. Am I just justifying this, or should I take it more seriously? And please don't suggest counseling for them -- they love each other.

-- Confused in L.A.

Dear Confused: You're the one who needs to have her head examined, I'm afraid. I'm not sure how you expect me to react to your stupidity, except to tell you to stop it. Of course I feel very sorry for your daughter. She's related to two selfish people who don't seem to respect or care about her.

Because you and your son-in-law are sexually involved, you are exposing one another -- and your daughter -- to sexually transmitted diseases. You and your son-in-law are being despicable. What's worse is that there is now a child in your family who deserves so much better than to be born into an episode of "The Jerry Springer Show."

Please. Don't make Mrs. Linklater choke on her tall de-caf mocha Frappuccino with a shot of almond.

Sounds like son-in-law was looking for a MILF and decided to choose the one closest to his house. I smell Deliverance. Start the banjo music.

[Don't know what a MILF is? Ask a teenaged boy.]

Here is Mrs. Linklater's advice to the mother who can't seem to stop herself from having sex with her daughter's husband:

Take a nice hot bath. Light some scented candles. Put on your sexiest lingerie. Your newest shoes. Your best outfit. And do your hair.

Now. Go play in traffic.

Thank you. I'm here all week.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "JAILBAIT" Edition

The following is the last column written by Margo Howard for Slate, the online magazine. She moves to Yahoo to write under her real name MARGO. And somebody else takes over Dear Prudence. Mrs. Linklater can hardly wait. ANOTHER advice column to eviscerate. But in a good way. Oh the thrill of it all!!! By the way, STICK A FORK IN IT was a re-run of a previous post from January 2005. In the interest of full disclosure and the two people who read it when it was originally posted in her AOL journal, Mrs. Linklater's Guide to the Universe, she felt compelled to come clean.

From Dear Prudence in Slate Magazine, February 8, 2005

Dear Prudence,
My young niece secretly eloped with a much older convicted felon during the holidays.

None of the family, including her parents, was aware of it until after the new year. It suddenly occurred to the bride that she missed out on an opportunity to receive some nice wedding presents.

She conned her doting grandparents into hosting and paying for a "wedding" with the white dress, seven bridesmaids, and a barbecue for 100 expected guests. I wouldn't have had a problem had it been billed as a wedding reception, but the invitations were the schmaltzy "you are invited to celebrate the beginning of Jack & Jill's life together" and included business cards from the merchants where she was registered for gifts.

One of the cards even had a dollar figure on it as a minimum gift amount. I declined the invitation, even after the bride's grandmother threatened never to speak to me again if I didn't attend.

I'm all for marital bliss, but not as a fundraiser, and announcing that you won't be my friend if I don't come to your party is a little too much like junior high school for me. Am I being picky?

—Ticked

Dear Tic,
Even with a thesaurus, Prudie is having trouble coming up with a word to apply to a minimum dollar amount written on a merchant's business card enclosed in a party invitation. (We will not even deal with an almost certainly immature bride and the groom's alma mater, as it were.) The odds are good that you are not the only one to look askance at this charade, and that Granny will be threatening quite a few others on the guest list.

—Prudie, indefensibly

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mrs. Linklater regrets that she is unable reply to this advice column calamity because she just wet her panties from laughing so freaking hard.

If this letter to the Prudarama was NOT made up, it should have been. And if it is indeed real, Mrs. L thinks that anyone who has been invited to this train wreck of a wedding and reception should pay the minimum guest rate and absolutely, positively attend.

In a clown suit.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "STICK A FORK IN IT" Edition

Mrs. Linklater has been on a mission lately to stop advice column madness before it spreads. She does this without any thought for her safety. And she can hardly wait for the thanks of a grateful nation.

Dear Amy: I have sort of a weird problem. I live with my husband and teenage son, both of whom drive me absolutely crazy with a particular eating habit -- namely, scraping a bowl or plate many, many, many times with a clinking fork or spoon to get out the last bit of lettuce, noodle or whatever.

I know this isn't a big deal, but we have plans to live together for a year or more on a small sailboat in the not-too-distant future, and I'm afraid I might shove one of them overboard one fine evening as dinner is drawing to a close. Do I have a right to make them overhaul their eating habits for my own personal sanity?

Can you help?

-- Gritting My Teeth

Dear Gritting: Nothing ruins a sunset quite like a man overboard. Don't resort to that.

I'm glad you know that there are far worse problems you could have on your plate than the sound of scraping cutlery, but in my book, the person who is bugged most over dinner table habits wins. Just because the perpetrators outnumber you doesn't mean they're right.

You could try some cognitive therapy techniques to make these two aware of what they're doing. Each time they scrape, they could put a dollar in a fondue pot right there at the table. You could also videotape them eating and play it back to show them what you get to see and listen to while dining.

My friend Phil Vettel, restaurant critic at the Chicago Tribune, has another suggestion for you to try on your family: chopsticks. I love it.

As usual, Mrs. Linklater is shaking her head in disbelief. Amy dear. Cognitive therapy for scraping the plate? You've gone overboard.

How about ear plugs for Mom, so she doesn't have to hear the sound. She's the one with the problem. Not her family.

Mrs. Linklater comes from the stand-over-the-sink-and-lick-the-plate-school of finishing her meal, so she is hardly in a position to fall on her fork here. But, as usual, that won't stop her.

With all due respect to Mr. Vettel for his clever suggestion, chopsticks may seem like an amusing solution, but they're only funny until someone loses an eye. And this family seems quite capable of committing acts of violence over cutlery noise. At least ONE of them does.

So Mrs. L would like to suggest that Mom buy a bunch of rubber scrapers just for those occasions when scraping the plate may be an option. Big ones for entrees. Perhaps the more delicate, smaller ones, for desserts.

What? You have a problem with that? They come in colors now. And you could decorate the handles. Just watch, thanks to Mrs. Linklater, you'll be able to register for one with a silver handle at Georg Jensen soon.

Okay. Fine. Use your fingers. But don't make that stupid sucking noise when you do. Drives me nuts.

Mrs. Linklater Apologizes For Any Inconvenience

Mrs. Linklater is sorry, but she has to enable all her spam ammunition. This means comments are moderated AND you have to type in the correct letters in that stupid box to prove you aren't a machine. What a load o' crap. She hates it more than you do.
But she's being spammed by some jerkwad who won't take no for an answer.

Unfortunately, she thinks the person spamming her isn't a computer, but someone who is doing it manually. She can only wonder what else they're doing manually to get such a thrill out of spamming her again and again.

However, maybe, just maybe, it's a machine gone mad, considering how many spam messages are being left. All from one site.

Meanwhile, in Mrs. L's zeal to rid her blog of unwanted advertising, she may have accidentally removed a comment YOU made.One she no doubt LOVED. Please consider it a friendly fire deletion, because it was not intentional.

Feel free to comment again, assuming you can put up with all the barbed wire that's now in place.

And then remember what it was you wanted to say.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "TAKE THIS GIFT AND SHOVE IT" Edition

Today Mrs. L goes back into the vault for no particular reason, except it's a sneaky way to slowly move stuff from her AOL blog over here. As usual, younger and more sensitive readers may want to cover their eyes as they read.

Never one to leave well enough alone, Mrs. Linklater can’t resist one more chance to butt into someone else’s messed up life. As usual, she first defers to the experts who get paid to do this for a living. Whereas our dear Mrs. Linklater does her spewing solely as a public service.

ASK AMY
Published December 21, 2004 Chicago Tribune

Dear Amy:
I'm perplexed by the mutation of the whole gift concept. I decided to give some young relatives a certain type of gift. . .and I wrote to their parents telling them of my intention and asking for specific suggestions within this gift category.

The parents' reply was to merely suggest a different gift the kids could use instead.

I had been very clear that we had decided to give them this other type of gift and made no mention of needing any other suggestions.

These are nice people, Amy, and I know they meant no offense, but what would you say in my place?

-- Not a Mail Order Catalog

Dear Catalog:
I know it's frustrating lately -- it seems as if kids have so much already and yet they can be so specific, with recommendations of brand names and gigabytes, not to mention the whole Red vs. Blue Power Ranger question. No doubt these parents thought they were being helpful and that you'd appreciate some direction on what the kids would like to receive. . .

Give these children whatever you would most like for them to have. But please don't hold it against the parents for offering you some direction -- after all, you did ask.

Sheesh, Amy. Where should Mrs. Linklater butt in first? Oh heck, let’s start with the “mutation of the whole gift concept.” I haven’t read Darwin’s Origin of Gifts, but it sounds like Catalog thinks that giving gifts to children should have nothing to do with what they want. They’re going to get what she wants to give them or else.

Frankly, she’s the one that sounds like a mutant.

But – more importantly -- did it ever occur to Catalog that the children’s parents were trying to say THAT HERS WAS THE STUPIDEST, MOST INAPPROPRIATE GIFT IDEA EVER – only in a nice way?

Apparently, that option NEVER made a blip on her radar [or Amy's for that matter -- tsk, tsk].

Even with a gentle hint from Mom and Dad, Catalog is going to stand on principle, dammit. Those kids are going to get the gifts she wants them to have and no one can stop this bulldozer when she gets it in gear.

So, in a way Amy is right -- boy Mrs. Linklater hates when that happens.

There's nothing anybody can do -- legally -- just get out of the way.

And have fun with the Malibu Barbies, Billy and Tommy. Maybe you’ll get matching Ken dolls next year.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "SPACED OUT:" Edition

Before Mrs. Linklater reaches into her advice bag, she feels it necessary to explain the true meaning of an ON again OFF again boyfriend to this woebegone woman who thinks she qualifies as a girlfriend.

My dear, it goes like this: When he gets ON you, he's your boyfriend. When he gets OFF you, he's not. That's pretty much how it goes.

Meanwhile, Mrs. Linklater lets Advice Aficionada Amy explain what a "MySpace blog" is to the three people who don't know, before Mrs. L starts kicking ass and taking names.

Published January 30, 2006 Chicago Tribune

Dear Amy:
My on-and-off boyfriend of three years started a "MySpace" account about five months ago. . .Then, all of a sudden, MySpace took over his life and he started waking up immediately to log on. He had a slew of women he chatted with all day.

He met a 40-year-old woman who posted every thought that entered her head and every conversation she had into a blog -- and I was able to follow and track the progress of his relationship -- because it was all publicly posted.Of course, he and I are no longer seeing each other because I was devastated by the number and the depth of the lies he was telling me about his relationship with this woman -- even though each time he lied she would end up confirming what he had denied in her many blog entries.

Most important, I was unhappy with who I had become -- this insane voyeur logging onto MySpace each day to check up on my boyfriend. . .

What do you think of this?

-- MySpaced Out

Dear Out:
For people who don't know, MySpace.com is an online "community" of people who post their photos and life stories, build "friendships" and blog their days away. (A blog is a Web log -- an online diary.)

According to one recent estimate, there are more than 70 million blogs online around the world. As your letter points out, the virtues of life on the Web are also its deficits. People can easily meet and develop relationships, but the problem with developing relationships with strangers is that strangers have no reason to respect your privacy -- especially if you don't.
Your story is yet another reason why life online has become not only messy but also so boring. People who live a virtual life don't have actual experiences. Their blogs tend to reflect that. I can't understand why people are so hungry to share their every waking thought with the rest of the world -- and I certainly don't understand why people are interested in reading these musings, personal details and outright lies.


Mrs. Linklater reminds her dear readers, in case they haven't noticed, that she herself has an online blog. As a matter of fact, you're wallowing in it. So it should come as no surprise that Mrs. L takes exception to Amy's contention -- that people who live their lives online don't have a life. We just live ours sitting in a chair, wearing fuzzy slippers and sweat clothes covered in pizza stains.

As for actual experiences, besides using the bathroom, just ask anyone with a webcam how actual things can get. But we're not here to discuss Mrs. Linklater's idea of a good time, we're here to make fun of the girl who thinks she lost her boyfriend to the internet. When she really didn't have a boyfriend at all.

To quote Jerry Lewis -- HEY LAAAAAAA-DEEEEE!!!! If there weren't an internet, your alleged loved one would have been doing something else to get away from you -- watching porn, reading porn, renting porn, going out with the guys to porn shows. Always with the lies, lies and more lies until you said, okay and had sex with him. Again. Some things never change.

Meanwhile Amy, in her infinite wisdom, blames the internet for the demise of this attempt by a female to insure some domestic tranquility, when the truth is some loser guy was just treating a gullible girl the way they usually do -- badly.

Same old jokes. Different strokes.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "DIRTY SOCKS" Edition

Mrs. L wants to know where does it say that being married means picking up someone else's dirty socks and underwear? For some reason Amy dear thinks this guy with dropsy should be cut some slack. Mrs. Linklater assumes the Obi Wan Kenobi position for her answer. Oh, wait, that's Star Wars, not Star Trek.


Amy Dickinson
Published January 17, 2006 Chicago Tribune

Dear Amy: I have been married for 10 years and have three young children.

I am not one to complain to others about my husband. However, I often hear many of the same complaints (that I internalize) from everyone: He never picks up after himself, he leaves dirty socks on the floor, he lets the kids run crazy and has no idea of what the house rules are.

All he does on weekends is sit and watch football.

How can so many women have the same complaints?

Why do so many men think there is a magic fairy who is going to pick up after them?

. . .I love my husband, but his behavior drives me nuts!

Any advice?

-- Frustrated Spouse

Dear Frustrated:
. . .Many women have men-grievances, just as many men have female trouble, if you know what I mean.

Some of what you're wrestling with might be dealt with by changing your perspective about what your husband does and doesn't do. Does he make a good living, maintain your vehicles and take care of the exterior of the house? Does he do yardwork, install your storm windows, put money away for the kids' education? Does he get frustrated that you don't value what he does do at home? Does he think that you magnify his flaws?

. . .One way to kick-start your thinking about your husband and his role in your family would be to read about the actual and perceived differences between men and women. You could start with a "classic" in the genre, such as "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships," by John Gray (2003, HarperCollins).

Mrs. Linklater beams herself up for this one. She's wearing some of Seven of Nine's hand me downs. They slide through the universe better.

Amy Amy Amy, guys don't leave their dirty socks where they dropped them because they think they're not being appreciated. That's a girl trick. Guys leave their underwear where it lies because they CAN.

What makes you think he might be making big dough, taking care of the cars, and doing stuff around the house anyway? Wishful thinking? His wife already said he's watching football on TV all the time, so it's a good bet he's not doing much except lying around with his hand down the front of his shorts staring at the tube.

Meanwhile, wifey poo hates picking up after him, but she keeps doing it. Just like his mother did.

Aha, that's the real problem. The wife whines and keeps on cleaning up after TV boy. Hubby lets her whine. And keeps dropping them socks and drawers in the same puddle. His jeans, t-shirts, and shoes, too.

Mrs. L says, "Let the socks lie there." Let them all grow mold. Let the cat have kittens on them. If the dirty clothes are not in the hamper, they don't get washed. If you can't stand to look at them, sweep them into a pile on the floor of the closet. Or behind a door.

If you don't want to be treated like someone's maid, don't act like one.

Before his wife starts on her rehabilitation program, she should be a sport and tell him she's not washing anything that isn't in the dirty clothes. Then she has to stick to her guns. A couple of mornings looking through the pile of moldy oldies for something without skidmarks and he ought to get the hint.

Oh, and the entire pile of stuff gets thrown out after a month. Along with that silly Mars and Venus book.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "EYEBALL" Edition

From time to time Mrs. Linklater barely has to raise her head off the pillow to solve advice dilemmas. Her insightful second opinions are like those tasty chocolate sprinkle thingys on frosting. But first, let Prudarama blather on and on with her own feeble attempts. *YAWN*

Dear Prudence,
My brother is engaged to a delightful, bright, attractive woman who does not wear a bra. She has very small breasts, so it's not as if she is falling out of her shirts, but she is always "nippling" (as they say). I don't believe she is trying to be provocative, but after she and my brother leave large social gatherings, there is often talk of the prominent nipple outline she displayed. This upsets me because a) I truly like her, and don't want people to remember her for her chest area, and b) it can be very distracting when one is talking to her; it makes men uncomfortable to see, and it makes our wives even more uncomfortable for their men to see. In general, I don't feel it's anyone's place to criticize another person's attire, but I wonder if there is a tactful way to send a message that we'd appreciate seeing a bit less of her.

—Getting an Eyeful

Dear Get,
Prudie was surprised by two things in your letter: the new word she learned, and that the letter writer was a man! There really is talk that people have trouble averting their gaze from this woman's shirt? In this day and age of letting it all hang out, fashionwise, it is a little unusual to find that a small-busted woman going braless is a distraction. In any case, if you feel you must try to get this woman into a bra, your best bet would be to tell your brother that he might want to suggest underthings to his fiancee because, as things are now, she makes it difficult for people to maintain eye contact. Be prepared for him to tell you to mind your own business.

—Prudie, figuratively

Okay, Mr. Eyeball full of more than you wanted to look at, [Like we're supposed to believe THAT.] Mrs. Linklater suggests that when confronted by unwanted "nippling" that you simply take off your jacket or sweater, wrap it around the young woman and say, "I can see that you're cold." Or, you could just start out your conversation with "Nice tits. So, how bout them Cubs?" Or you could talk about all the tasty "nibbles" at the party. How much you like to "nibble" before dinner. And how you were thinking about naming a new cracker product, "NIBBLES." Then in the middle of everything accidentally say "Nipple" instead of "Nibble."

Why does Mrs. L think her suggestions won't be well received?

Ask Mrs. Linklater "ARTFUL FORGER" Edition

You know how when there's a homicide on Law and Order and you don't want to miss any clues about how it went down? But they still trick you? Well, Dear Abby hasn't been watching the re-runs very closely, because this crime scene has more clues than Colonel Mustard in the bathroom with the plunger. Poor dear, Abby had her turn, but she missed the obvious. Thank heavens Mrs. Linklater can smell the sweat of demented, disturbed and difficult to fire employees -- like this one is going to be.

Dear Abby
Published January 11, 2006 Chicago Tribune

Dear Abby: I have owned a business for 13 years. Recently one of my employees forged a customer's check in the amount of $1,000.

I have tried to talk to him and ask why, and I have threatened to go to the police. We have more than just a working relationship. We did a lot of things together outside of work, but never had a sexual relationship.

This man worked for me for more than two years and, other than this crime, was a perfect employee. He insists that he didn't "forge" the check that he had cashed at the customer's bank, and he tries to justify it by saying he felt he "deserved" the "extra" money. I always paid him on time and gave him many extra perks. Please help me.

-- Lost Big-Time in Illinois

Dear Lost Big-Time: Wake up! Your "perfect employee" is a thief, a forger and a sociopath. He may be a charmer -- aren't they all! -- but that's what has enabled him to reach the point he has. For your own emotional well-being and for the sake of your business, please tell the police what you have learned.

Mrs. Linklater laughs so loud she sets off the smoke detector. Beep! Beep! Beep! Abby, open your mouth and swallow a large dose of reality. First of all, the forger's employer may not have had sex with him, but Mrs. L sure bets she was really hoping. Now you're telling her to call the cops and queer the whole deal. She also has to fire him you know.

If she's not careful, she's also going to have one ticked off employee. Mrs. L has one word for her -- POSTAL. How can Mrs. Linklater tell this goof is going to lose it when she rats him out? Because he doesn't think he stole anything. He also thinks he deserved it. And, besides, he knows she wants sex.

Meanwhile, like most women in the grip of their hormones, all she's done so far is whine, "Why did you do this? Like she can fix him. If he said THE DEVIL MADE ME DO IT, she'd probably feel relieved and say, "Oh, well, that explains everything." Then let that $1000 misunderstanding slide.

So, go ahead and give her a wake up call to get in touch with the cops. But while they're on their way over, she should also change the locks on the office doors, hire a security guard, get a restraining order, and consider moving her business to a different state in the middle of the night. She has to be willing to face the guy in court, too. It's ain't going to be pretty. Crime punishes the victims as much as the perps.

P.S. Betcha forging $1000 check isn't a big time crime, either, so this mope will be out and about very soon. And, depending on how big a sociopath is he, the guy could come after his former boss.

Meanwhile, here's what's really going to happen. This babe is such a ditz, she'll think she can save this sicko. She won't report the theft. She'll let the guy keep the money. But she says he better not do it again. They end up having sex. It's not as good as she thought it would be. She gets pregnant. He forges another check. She gets mad and says I told you not to do it again. He threatens to kill her if she reports him. They get married instead.

It could happen.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "NOT GETTIN' ANY" Edition

Hey -- a brand, spanking new Ask Mrs. Linklater!! She can hardly contain herself.


Mrs. Linklater loves it when men are totally oblivious to their obliviousness. Especially about sex, where obivion seems to be the operative word.

For some reason, after all those articles in Cosmo, some men still think they can do no wrong. As long as they're satisfied, they assume she will be satisfied.

That's why when a man's wife doesn't want to have sex, he assumes there's something wrong with HER. As long as he's got the equipment and knows where it goes -- what's the problem?

It's the old, BLAME THE VICTIM tactic. Apparently our intrepid advice mavin, Cheryl, is willing to blame the victim too. Once again Mrs. L has to give up reading a magazine on the toilet to prevent yet another advice column calamity. Oh, great there's no toilet paper.

Tales from the Front -- Published January 2, 2006
Chicago Tribune

Dear Cheryl: I've learned that spouses can cheat without engaging in physical contact or even going to chat rooms. It's called avoidance.

My wife has been a TV addict and avid video watcher for the last 15 years. She claims she's an insomniac and needs the TV to put her asleep. Intercourse is out because (a) the act no longer makes her sleepy, and (b) once she's finished watching TV, about 2 or 3 a.m., I'm already sleeping. If I somehow force myself to stay awake to wait for her, she promptly falls asleep before anything can happen.

When I suggest the morning as an alternative time for intercourse, she says she can't force herself to get up.

But if she has some early-morning shopping to do with a relative, she's up and ready to go. (By the way, before we had a video recorder, she spent an inordinate amount of time at night paying bills and reading newspapers.)

Yet, she's home every night, has never come home late or had any unexplained absences. I don't have the extra money to hire a detective agency to track her daily whereabouts. I've inquired, and they charge about $100 an hour. Anytime I bring up the subject of her cheating, she denies that there's a problem. Any thoughts?

-- If This Isn't Cheating, I Don't Know What Is!

Dear ITICIDKWI! It doesn't sound like cheating to me. Not if it has been going on for more than 15 years! I think your wife is avoiding sex for other reasons. You need to turn off the TV and ask her what the problem is.

Don't accuse her of cheating, simply ask her why she doesn't want to make love with you.

Is it a physical problem? Has she been to her gynecologist lately? Is it an emotional or psychological problem? Is it something she wants to discuss with a therapist? Is there something specific she doesn't like about your technique? (If she can even remember what your technique is!) Ask her what she thinks you're supposed to do about your sexual needs.

I think you need to do a lot of talking and less accusing. Please keep me informed.


Yo, Cheryl, his wife doesn't have a physical problem, except the problems he is giving her about not doing it enough. Forget the OBY-GYN. too. Since when do those people have a clue about sex -- they are in the business of making babies, not teaching how to make the act of making babies more fun.

The key word our deprived hubby uses is "intercourse." Unfortunately too many men think that quality sex equals plenty of "intercourse." For a large number of women, the ability of intercourse to give her the same pleasure he gets is less than zero.

Mrs. Linklater thinks that all men should be required to learn how to satisfy a woman without intercourse. That goes double for guys who use Viagra. If you can't please her without it, what makes you think you can please her with it. Get on, get in, get out is no longer acceptable noogie. Unless you're leaving a nice sum of money on the dresser. Mrs. L actually knew a couple who did that. That's correct, they are no longer married.

The only intercourse allowed in Mrs. Linklater's class would be social intercourse. Nothing like having a nice conversation or whispering seductive things in her ear like 'If you do this for me, I will [FILL IN THE BLANK[." Wash the dinner dishes all week. Clean the kitty litter. Walk the dog. Anything she has to do that she hates to do.

To paraphrase JFK, "Ask not what your wife can do for you; ask what you can do for your wife." Even better, just do it. Do what? Take the basket of dirty clothes down to the laundry room. Works better than candles and rose petals on the bed. Mrs. Linklater is not kidding. The sexiest thing a husband can do for his wife may be replacing the toilet paper roll WITHOUT BEING ASKED.

Horny hubbies across America could get laid on a more regular basis -- just by running a bath for their wives and putting the kids to bed.

Oh, and it would also help BIG TIME if husbands-who-are-tired-of-excuses took more time to learn about the art of sex, instead of just the location of the plumbing. Couldn't hurt.

Next week Mrs. Linklater discusses men who only touch their wives when they want sex, entitled "Is this for free?"

Ask Mrs. Linklater "SMARTY PANTS" Edition

As usual, Mrs. Linklater just can't get enough of minding other people's business. So, once again, she lets an advice columnist try to set someone on the right path. And then she butts in and saves the day.

Tales from the Front -- Cheryl Lavin

Published December 13, 2004 Chicago Tribune

Dear Cheryl: I'm a divorced mom in my 30s. I'm open to dating and potentially marrying again but am having some difficulty meeting men who aren't intimidated by my intelligence. I've discussed this with male friends and most of them agree: Many men want to be smarter than the women they date and marry. I work full time and am getting a graduate degree part time at a really top school. (Most of my classmates are married.) When I meet people and tell them where I go to school, they often seem impressed and sometimes intimidated.

Yet, I'm not the typical hard-charging, career-driven overachiever that often comes out of my grad school. Still, I'm probably smarter than your average woman. As a single parent, I don't have much free time to socialize or join clubs to meet people. I've attended church, but there wasn't anyone there to meet. Short of joining Mensa, do you have any suggestions for meeting a guy who's OK with being with someone at least as smart as he is or potentially smarter? Sometimes I wonder if I should dumb myself down initially or not mention my grad school in the hopes that after getting to know me, a guy won't be as intimidated, but I don't really think this is the best way to go. So far, though, the being-smart thing seems to make men run away.

-- Smarty Pants

Dear "Smarty Pants": I'll give you the same advice I'd give to anyone -- male or female, young or old, rich or poor, smart or not-so -- who wants to meet people: Go to the places you enjoy, do the things you like to do. That way, whether you meet someone or not, you'll have a good time. In your case, try book signings of authors you enjoy, discussions of current events, etc., etc. There are probably dozens of lectures every month just at your school. You'll meet people with your interests.

By the way, you think the reason you're not meeting men is because you're too smart. Other women think it's because they're too tall or too short or too old or too fat or have too many kids. Men think it's because they're too bald or too fat or too old or too poor or drive a too-beaten-up car. The bottom line is it's just hard to meet someone to spend the rest of your life with. Hang in there.

Blah, blah blah. Mrs. Linklater butts in and slaps Ms. Smarty Pants upside the head. Yo -- grad school girl, get over yourself!! Enough of this pretending you’re not an intimidating, hard-charging career-driven overachiever. Sounds like the first thing out of your mouth after you tell someone your name is where you go to grad school. Hi, My name is Smarty Pants and I go to the top school in the country. And you don’t.

That’s always an icebreaker.

So let’s take stock here. First of all, there are plenty of guys who like smart women. As for finding them, you may have to go outside the box a bit. Take flying lessons. Go on a river-rafting trip. Join an adventurer’s club. Hang out in the cafeteria of a hospital [worked for one friend].

The real question is – do you have anything else going for you? A personality, for instance? A sense of humor? A hobby? A nice wardrobe? An attractive, well-toned body? Anything? You may be smart, but nothing else. Time to get real about what you have to offer besides your SAT scores.

You may also be under the mistaken impression that anyone who didn’t go to a grad school as good as yours couldn’t possibly be as smart as you are. So you aren’t even giving those guys a chance. That’s kinda dumb, Smarty Pants.

The next time you meet someone, remember, it’s not a job interview. Your resume doesn’t count. Your social skills do. Engage a guy in conversation, show genuine interest in who he is and what he does and, trust Mrs. Linklater, he’ll think you’re a genius. Isn't that what you wanted in the first place?

Ask Mrs. Linklater "SIBLING RIVALRY" Edition

Mrs. Linklater suddenly realized she could save herself a boatload of time and get credit for posting more often if she ran some of her early efforts that she knows most of you missed. No need to thank her now. Valentine's Day is coming.


It's the holidays. And what more perfect time for Mrs. Linklater to butt into people's lives and save them from themselves, after the advice columnists go first, of course.

Published December 6, 2004, Chicago Tribune

Dear Amy: I have a middle-age sibling who is pretentious, self-centered and must always be the center of attention.

Every year my siblings and I get together at Mom's house for the holidays, and I've stopped enjoying these visits.

My brother has to be in the limelight throughout these visits. He never gets tired of talking about himself, barely listens to anyone else, and he can get very cross when he thinks someone is trying to outdo him.

His Christmas gifts come with long explanations about where they come from and how unique they are, etc. When he brings food and drinks, he has to show everything around and talk about what exclusive shops they came from, blah blah blah.

I can't face another holiday season of the nonsense. Mom never discourages his insatiable desire for attention and accolades, and I've had enough.

I want to spend the holidays quietly at home with my husband. How can I stay away from these gatherings without offending my family?

-- Sick of the Show

Dear Sick: I think the answer here might be to split the difference -- and develop a good exit strategy.

Your siblings and mother might not mind your brother as much as you do, or perhaps they travel to that special holiday headspace where many things are tolerable -- as long as the eggnog doesn't run out. While others might tell you to confront this bore, I don't think Christmas is the day to do it.

If you choose to stay home this year, you don't have to offer all sorts of explanations. However, if the distance between your homes permits, perhaps you could join your family only for dessert this year, with a set time to leave and a definite plan to do so.

--Amy

Mrs. Linklater knocks over the punch bowl and butts in:
Sounds like this allegedly self-centered, attention grabbing brother might be giving his siblings some very nice, very expensive gifts and all anybody has to do to get them is listen to his stories about where they came from. While eating his expensive food. Sign me up.

Oh, sorry, we have put up with his whiny, footstomping sister, because she is sick and tired of his pretentious fur coats and Tiffany jewelry and thinks it’s time to take a stand!!! Drama Queen alert!

So, Miss Hissy Fit, you’re saying if he doesn’t stop with the generosity -- okay he's a little full of himself, too -- you’re going to what? Stay Home. Sounds like a plan to me!!! Mrs. Linklater smells envy. Mom always like him better huh? And your ten dollar Starbuck’s gift cards aren’t getting the applause you hoped for?

Neener neener neener.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "WEIGHTY PROBLEM" Edition

Mrs. Linklater acknowledges that love is a mysterious thing. Like most people, she has yet to figure it out, but that has never prevented her from falling into it a few times.

Luckily, her complete lack of understanding regarding this subject will not keep her from having an opinion for the following lovestruck young woman, whose object of affection just wants to be friends. Or as we say in the relationship bidness, "Touch me and you die."

Does trained professional advice giver Prudie give this poor soul a clue? After four [yep, F-O-U-R] marriages you'd think she'd have some idea. Nope. The Prude just shrugs her shoulders, throws up her hands and says, "Sorry, not my problem. I don't do no love potions." Or something to that effect.

Thank goodness Mrs. Linklater is willing to step up to the plate. Bases loaded. Two outs. Full count.



Dear Prudie,
I've had a good guy friend for over two years. I never thought I believed in such nonsense, but it was love at first sight for me. We have the same values, interests, and we also have some of the same racial background. I have never had a friend like him. We have both changed considerably for the better since we met. I love him very much and he has caught on and said we must remain just friends. I was upset and assumed it was because I am overweight (so is he, actually) and he said the most astonishing thing: "It's nothing physical, it's the chemistry. It's just not there." I didn't understand that. Chemistry? At first I thought it was hopeless; you can't make a man love you. But then I thought of all the men who've won women's hearts. I suppose my question is, How does a woman "woo"a man?
—Waiting for Love

Dear Wait,
Cyrano de Bergerac aside, this is an esoteric if not impenetrable question. The concept of "chemistry," difficult to pin down, does have one aspect that is knowable: It is reciprocity. Chemistry may be thought of as one set of protoplasm/hormones/genes calling out to another; a kind of mutual attraction. Men do woo women, but these situations involve a woman who is amenable to being wooed. And vice versa, of course; women do woo men, but chemistry, my dear, is the one thing you cannot inject into a relationship and the one thing without which it cannot go forward.
—Prudie, regretfully



Mrs.L steps away from the cauldron. Face it Prudential, you've missed the boat on this one with your protoplasms and vice versas. Mrs. Linklater, the queen of walking on quicksand, has a surefire. guaranteed, no fail method to inject a boatload o' chemistry into this twosome:

LOSE THE WEIGHT.

Ta-da. I'm here for ya, people. When he says it's nothing physical. He means physically, you're doing nothing for him. You want a chemical reaction from him? Get your body chemistry working for you, sis.

Oh, what?!! You people think she should be acceptable just the way she is? How PC of you. Well, our little plumpette IS acceptable -- but only as a FATFRIEND. If she wants to ratchet that friendship up to having her love object ready to jump her bones, she's gonna have to perform some math on her equation-- subtract the weight. Lose the L.B.'s. Fight the fat. Ditch the double chin. Dump the dimples in your butt.

Can Mrs. Linklater be any more explicit? Get over being overweight. Get it off. And get your man.

Unless, of course, he's gay.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "DEATH IS AN OPTION" Edition

Mrs. Linklater is no stranger to performing good deeds -- some of which are considered acts of mercy and cannot be included here. The deeds she performs here are to protect the unwary public from advice columnists by offering her candid responses to their often misguided advice. How convenient that she offers her selfless second opinion at the self titled Ask Mrs. Linklater, so that all ye who are heavy laden, or just big boned, can find solace from her skillful dissection of the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.


Dear Abby: Please explain the saying, "No good deed goes unpunished." I have heard it many times, but can't imagine where it comes from.
-- Curious in Georgia

Dear Curious: It is usually uttered when someone has tried to do something for someone else, and instead of being grateful for it, the recipient finds fault or resents it.


Mrs. Linklater snorts milk through her nose remembering all the news items describing good deeds that turned into misdemeanors or much worse. Finding fault, resentment, or even a complete lack of gratefulness hardly begins to describe the consequences that can screw up the lives of those whose sense of doing goodness overwhelms their good sense.


NOTE TO ABBY: This isn't about surprising a friend by generously painting their kitchen while they're on vacation and having them get all huffy because you chose lavendar.


This is more like the kind soul who pulls over to aid a helpless old lady who has to change her flat tire on the highway. Unfortunately said kind soul soon finds himself dead when he's killed by a careless passing motorist while tightening the lugnuts. Good deed -- PUNISHED.


There are entire professions devoted to living by the No Good Deed Goes Unpunished mantra. Obviously that would include firefighters, police officers, members of our armed forces -- you can probably see a pattern here. GAZILLIONS of Good Deeds -- ALL PUNISHED.


Your mother is another fine example of the Good Deeds Guarantee Plenty of Punishment rule. While most, but by no means all, of a mother's good deeds do not end in death, destruction of her property, ruination of her financial security, and undermining of her health no doubt happened on your watch at some point.


If dismay and disappointment were the only effects of good deeds, there would be more good Samaritans living among us. Now good deeds require plenty of cash and a comprehensive retirement plan.


Mrs. Linklater feels safe performing her acts of goodness without regard for her life only because there is an internet separating your sorry ass from hers and she can delete any comments she doesn't like.


Na na na na na.

Ask Mrs. Linklater CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO GODLINESS Edition

Mrs. Linklater has noticed a double standard in this Women Can Have It All world. Men can be forgiven for being messy. Women
don't get a pass.

No matter how accomplished a woman is, if you can leave a few footprints in the dust on her coffee table, she's a failure as a human being.

Not only does the world put dirty dishes, messy closets, and dust fuzzies on her permanent record, but her own mother will rat her out.

Why is it, no matter how many times a woman is told to be all she can be, if Mom stops by and finds a couple of mushrooms growing in the clothes left on the floor, she'll call a therapist, or worse, write to an advice columnist about her daughter's "problem." Sheesh, maybe she was just growing a few fungi for a tossed salad.

Mrs. Linklater would like to take the toilet brush to this tattletale mom, but she used it to clean her car tires.

Published December 3, 2005

Dear Amy: I have a daughter who is married and has a child with another child due soon.

They have been married for four years. They lived in an apartment until last year, when they built a large home.

When they lived in the apartment, my daughter always commented that her apartment was so messy because there was no room. Now she has a large house and it is worse than before. There are dirty dishes in most of the rooms, food on the floor, clothes everywhere and toys scattered throughout. She does not seem to want to clean or keep the house in a nice condition.

I cannot tell you when the last time was that she cleaned the house. She worries about insects and other pests getting in. I have told her that she needs to keep the house cleaner in order to avoid unwanted pests, but it does not seem to do any good.

People tell me that it is none of my business and if they want to live like that, then I need to let them. I am only concerned for my grandson and for them having problems with their house. I am looking for suggestions to motivate my daughter to clean up a little better.

Her husband works and then comes home to cook the meals.

-- Concerned Mom

Dear Mom: There are a number of factors that could contribute to your daughter's messy habits. She could be depressed and/or overwhelmed by family life. Studies have established a connection between people who have ADHD and "hoarding" behavior, so treatment for ADHD can help hoarders control their problem.

Your daughter's house-cleaning isn't likely to improve once she has her second baby. Perhaps she would be open to having someone come in to help with the cleaning. Having cleaning help even twice a month would help her get a handle on the house.

You could help out by offering to do the cleaning yourself, or by paying for some sessions of cleaning help, as a gift.

Otherwise, you might point your daughter toward www.flylady.com. The "Flylady" shares common-sense cleaning and folksy organizing tips, meant for people who are overwhelmed and don't know where or how to start cleaning.

So, Amy, how clean is your house? Huh? Huh? Any yogurt lids in your bedside drawer?

In support of women who remember when landing a plane in the hanger had nothing to do with feeding a baby, Mrs. Linklater socks it to this meddlesome, unsupportive mother not once, but twice:

First a quickie: Back off, bitch!

Second, something longer and harder:

Just because your daughter isn't cleaning up to your neatfreak standards, that doesn't mean she is suffering from OCD, depression, or needs tips from flylady.com. Consider the facts:

1. She is a mom with two babies to care for.
2. She lives in a large house.
3. She doesn't have any cleaning help.
4. She doesn't have a nanny or a babysitter for the chidlren.

This young mother doesn't have psychological problems. She has a psycho for a mother. That would be YOU.

Mrs. Linklater knows that you and everybody else gave her husband a million points for coming home to cook dinner. You did, didn't you? Hey, anybody can microwave!!!

Which one of you Judge Hatchetts nodded your head in agreement with mom's concern about her daughter's housecleaning? You know who you are. Mrs. Linklater is tracking you down even as we speak.

Meanwhile how many points did anybody hand out to the daughter for probably giving up her career to stay home with two babies, deal with a big house, and get by with NO HELP? Can you count to zero?

WELL, SHAME ON ALL OF YOU!!! May all your vacuum cleaners choke on a hair ball.

Just because a woman can have it all, doesn't mean she should have to DO IT ALL.

If this young family has enough money for a large house, they should have enough money for a nanny or a babysitter.

They have should enough money for cleaning help once a week. Not twice a month.

And Dad can do more than dinner - he can do the dishes, the laundry, and put the kids to bed, too.

Over the years Mrs. Linklater has noticed a disturbing trend. When she was growing up Moms stayed home with their children. Even then, middle class families could afford cleaning help twice a week. That's why mothers wore dresses. They had time to take a bath and look nice. They had time to enjoy cooking.

Why is it, the more accomplished a woman has become, the more she is expected to do. The bigger the house, the better she's supposed to be at keeping it clean and decorated.

Without any help.

That's what's depressing.

Ask Mrs. Linklater POKER FACE Edition

Sometimes Mrs. Linklater wants to scream at the people who are stupid enough to play poker on the internet, but today she would rather scream at the people who were stupid enough to write to advice columnists because they were stupid enough to fall in love while playing poker on the internet. HEY, YOU ARE SO STUPID!! Of course, she means that in a concerned and caring way.

When it comes to internet relationships of the love or poker playing kind, Mrs. L thinks men fall in love faster online than anywhere for any reason.

A twenty year old headshot with a forty year old hairdo and good typing skills is about all it takes to get a proposal from Mr. Lonely. Women are more gullible, however. You can tell a woman you're a short, heavy version of Vince Vaughn with less hair or you drive a five year old Toyota Corolla that looks like a Corvette from the right angle, and she'll fly you to Vegas.

Meanwhile, here's today's tragic tale with Mrs. Linklater's opinion following right behind Amy's behind.

Published November 30, 2005 Chicago Tribune

Dear Amy: I need advice on what is happening in my life. Eight months ago, I joined an online poker site to unwind from work.

I met a lady on this site. It started out innocently enough. We'd meet at the tables and do some flirting back and forth. We started trading information. She's a little older than I am. She has two kids -- one in college.

For a couple of months, I thought she was either divorced or widowed and lonely, because we started to get more intimate (if that is the right word) on the chat. We'd make plans to meet and run off to Vegas. Then one evening she let me know that she was still happily married. She said that she was sorry, but she hadn't felt like this for some time. I made her feel like she was in high school again.

I haven't felt like this in a long time either. I really love her, even though we have never met in person. We decided to step back, and she was going to work on things with her hubby. We also decided to try and stay friends, a little poker now and then and flirting with other people on the poker site. But things have started heating up again.

We don't know what to do. We don't want to lose the other, but we know this can't go on as is. Can you help us?

-- Poker Face

Dear Poker Face: Poker is a game that rewards craftiness, feints and deceit.

Love, however, is not a game. Love needs honesty and integrity to grow.

I feel the need to point out the obvious -- that your love object might not be a married woman with two kids in college. She might be a middle-age long-haul trucker named "Manny" who enjoys messing with you.

Internet "relationships" are so enticing because we can invent our own identities and hide our weaknesses and insecurities. You don't love her. She doesn't love you. This entire relationship is an invention.

If you can only develop relationships in the virtual world that you can't develop in the actual world, then you have a problem larger than whether you and your poker buddy love each other.

The Web can be highly addictive, and the consequences of Internet addictions are similar to other addictions. This addiction would be hard to break without help, and I hope that you will recognize this problem and decide to do something about it.

Mrs. Linklater yells from the bathroom where she is removing unslightly blemishes with a flamethrower.

"Yo, Poker Face -- TURN OFF THE COMPUTER!!"

Sometimes this job is a little too easy.