Mrs. Linklater hasn't ridiculed any advice ladies over here at her warm and cozy second home on Blogspot since September or so. Is she sick? Dead? Out of town? No, I'm still here.
So, in an attempt to shake her out of her doldrums, a concerned relative sent this Dear Abby advice travesty to Mrs. L., hoping to get her back into the fray. Or at least the mud wrestling.
As usual she graciously lets her readers digest this abomination for themselves before the outspoken Mrs. Linklater gets to take a crack at Flabby Abby herself. Feel free to leave your own opinions regarding Abby's shocking suggestion for retaliation.
September 13, 2006
Dear Abby: There's a man in our community I'll call "Uncle Harry." Uncle Harry is in his mid-70s and considers himself one of the finest Christians in the area. Many of us, however, know this to be an exaggeration.
The main problem with Uncle Harry is his insistence on hugging almost all the women he comes in contact with. These "hugs" are not chaste, loose hugs about the shoulders. Uncle Harry insists on bear hugs, where he puts both arms around the woman and presses her breasts against his chest. Occasionally, his hands will also drift to the area of the buttocks.
Several women have complained, and family members have cautioned Uncle Harry about his behavior. He will stop temporarily, and then start up again in a few days. He has convinced himself that all these women want to hug him, but I have seen the expressions on the faces of some of his hug victims, and most are not at all happy. The women are hesitant to complain because Uncle Harry's wife IS one of the finest Christians in the area.
What can be done about Uncle Harry? I see him as a sexual predator, but he insists his hugs are just an example of his fine Christian fellowship. — No Hugs, Please, in Alabama
Dear No Hugs, Please: Because the complaints have been ignored, a dose of aversion therapy might dampen the ardor of lecherous Uncle Harry. I recommend that the ladies who are offended by his behavior form a "united front." By this I mean, agree to put thumb tacks in your brassieres (facing outward, of course) when you know you'll be seeing him. I predict that if you do, he will hug you less enthusiastically from then on.
[REDNESS caused by Mrs. L's blood pressure rising]
Seriously, any woman who objects to Uncle Harry's "hugs" needs to open her mouth and tell him so in no uncertain terms. Enough is enough.
Mrs. Linklater locks and loads her cannon:
Dear Abby, titular tacks? Oh, you were just kidding? Tsk tsk, Ab, you shouldn't make jokes about that kind of retaliation, because there are women out there who will take your suggestion and try it at home.
By the way, tacks aren't nearly as effective as nine inch nails.
Abby says to "tell him. . .in no uncertain terms."
Tell him what, Abby? "No, thanks, I don't want a hug"? Harry's the kind of guy who'll just grab your ass anyway. Clearly he's not responding to the subtle hints of pure disgust and utter revulsion these women are sending out.
Mrs. Linklater doesn't usually advocate physical violence, but some guys need more encouragement than others.
Her personal choice for keeping away men who think they have an inalienable right to hug you, is one she recommends only if you have the courage to raise your voice. But be careful, since "GET THE F**K AWAY FROM ME!!" can empty a stadium if not modulated properly.
On the other hand, if your voice lacks volume, you can whisper into his ear, "TOUCH ME AND YOU DIE!"
Hallelujah! Mrs. Linklater positively rejoices when she can help rid the world of one more sexual predator in clergyman clothes.