Sunday, June 18, 2006

Ask Mrs. Linklater "CAN'T GET IT UP" Edition

Mrs. Linklater has learned that there are three truths in any troubled relationship. 1) Nothing is ever your fault. 2) You are the understanding one. 3) They just don't get it. Especially when it comes to sex. And isn't that what everything comes down to between a man and a woman -- sex or no sex?

PUBLISHED June 12, 2006 Chicago Sun-Times

DEAR ELLIE: I'm 55, and I'm dating a 50-year-old who can't really have sex. So when he can't get it going he blames me!

He says I'm too aggressive in bed, but I'm not: I'm sensual. Or I stop, as I have a 20-year-old who might walk in. So I have to know where we're at before we start anything.

We have a great time when we hang out. I'm very jealous -- I'm working on that. I really don't look much older than him, but he does look at other women. I know he'd rather be with someone 35, but in reality he can't even handle someone 55.

I told him we should chill for a while, but I miss him. Please tell me what to do.


DEAR ISSUES: Chilling will only give you shivers, when it's goose bumps from sex that you really want. You need to talk to your guy about your mutual intentions.

If you want to be together and also have an intimate relationship, you both need to make changes. He has to stop blaming you and see if there's any medical or other cause for his not "getting it going." You have to learn to enjoy the cuddling and foreplay, and arrange some private time when your adult child is either definitely not home or understands that a closed door means privacy.

As for your jealousy and age worries, get over them, or these will form a bigger obstacle between you. Focus on whether you can get what you both want from each other. If you can't, then cool it completely.

Ellie -- the reason you are trying to fix this mess is?

Mrs. Linklater is getting whiplash. First ISSUES says her boyfriend thinks she's too sexually aggressive. Then she turns around and says she stops in the middle of things.

Next she says they have a great time together. Then she says she's jealous.

Next she says he'd rather be with someone 35. Then she says he can't handle her 55 year old self.

Next she suggests they split up for awhile, but now she misses him. Did we mention he's impotent?

Which brings Mrs. Linklater to her question of the week -- WTF? Only a very lonely, I-have-no-life female would want to stay with a guy who blames her for his dysfunctional machine, looks longingly at other women when they're out, and doesn't seem to miss her when they split up.

Love hurts. Learn your lesson. Move on.

Mrs. Linklater's annual moment of sympathy is now over.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Ask Mrs. Linklater "GENDER BENDER" Edition

As time passes and surgery improves, new problems arise in the world of transgender etiquette, as anyone with a concern for excruciatingly correct behavior can well appreciate. So Mrs. Linklater hereby deputizes herself, temporarily, as a member of the well-mannered in an attempt to put some rules in place for revealing just how extreme one's extreme makeover may have been.

Published June 16, 2006
Dear Abby: I recently met a gorgeous woman I'll call "Giselle." After we had dated for a couple of months and became physically involved, she told me she had had gender reassignment surgery and used to be a man! I was, to say the least, shocked and deeply disturbed.

I did not punch out Giselle as I would have liked to -- which brings me to my question. What is the etiquette regarding physically confronting someone like that? Is it the same as hitting a girl?

-- Distressed in Virginia

Dear Distressed: Because Giselle is now a female, it would, indeed, have been the same as hitting a girl. I have a feeling that she was probably more hurt that you stopped seeing her than any physical blow you might have inflicted. As to the "etiquette" regarding hitting her, if you hit someone of either gender, it is assault and battery.

Good point Abby, dear. Luckily we have the Penal Code these days, since the Code of Chivalry is sorely lacking a paragraph on transgender issues. Unfortunately, the matter in question -- can one punch out a woman who used to be a man -- is clearly beside the point on this occasion as far as Mrs. Linklater is concerned.

Although she didn't ask, "Giselle" should have shared her sex change well before her love interest was ever in the upright and locked position. She was lucky. Most men wouldn't write to Dear Abby to ask whether it was proper etiquette to punch her out.

Apparently her time as a man didn't teach "Giselle" about men. She probably thought that her allure as a fully reconstructed female would overcome any concern her lover might experience once they had sex. Typical female. Haaaaaaa. However, she failed to account for the EWWWWWWWWW factor.

EWWWW, you used to be a man. Did I just have sex with a man? EWWWW. I'm not gay. I'm not. I'm not. I like women. You look like a woman. But you used to be a guy? That is so gross. I don't like being fooled. I feel like a fool. EEEEEWWWWWWWW.

Granted if "Giselle" tells men about her transgender status, she will be almost certainly rejected. Initially. However, she may discover that telling the truth may give men time to think it over, get to know her, and decide her former life doesn't matter. And if it does, she can avoid a bad reaction that could some day end her life.

"Distressed," like most men, would surely run away at first. But the same allure that makes "Giselle" a sexy woman could well bring him back. On his own terms.

Isn't that what sex change operations are all about. To stop living a lie? To become the person on the outside that you feel on the inside? So it doesn't make much sense to start telling more lies after the surgery.

On the other hand, Mrs. Linklater realizes that people will do anything to get laid.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Ask Mrs. Linklater "IS MY GRANDSON GAY?" Edition

Oy vey!! Mrs. Linklater, who has been called a Stealth Jew by M.O.T. was compelled to respond to this letter after seeing it posted at Patrick's Place:

She believes that this travesty of misguided information presages the end of the world in more ways than global warming could ever imagine. Meanwhile, as Mrs. L enjoys her local deli's tasty Presbyterian sandwich for lunch [corned beef on white with mayo], we'll let Abby flail around first with her answer to this ditzy woman's question.

Published June 8, 2006
DEAR ABBY: I have reason to believe that a young man in my family may be gay. (He is 15.) I have been thinking a lot about it lately, and have been wondering if circumcision would cure it. What do you think? -- GRANDMOTHER IN MISSOURI

DEAR MISSOURI GRANDMOTHER: Homosexuality is not an illness, and therefore there is no need for a "cure." I predict that your family will be happier if you accept your relative exactly the way he is, love him, support him, and stop trying to think of ways to cure him. 

P.S. Circumcision is a sacred rte of the Jewish religion. If your theory were valid, then there would be no Jewish homosexuals. And yet, among the successful, gay, Jewish men who are "out" are Harvey Fierstein, Michael Feinstein, Barney Frank, and David Geffen -- to name a few. (Ooops! And let's not forget Isaac Mizrahi.)

Mrs. Linklater would also like to remind Abby that a huge portion of the entire male population of the USA, Jewish or not, is also circumcized, since doctors once considered it the hygienic thing to do, but who's looking?

Speaking of which, Mrs. L was afraid she'd get a gander when a former boss of hers underwent circumcision at the age of 45. Activity of a sexual nature had left him with unpleasantly recurring things that liked living in the uncircumcised area. So he underwent the procedure and returned to work only to describe in anatomical detail every painful pee he had to suffer. Fortunately without photographs. And you wonder why none of us sued. Me. too.

But Mrs. L digresses. Time to tackle today's noxious note from Grandma. Perhaps her location in Missouri is reason enough for circumcision to seem like an option, since she is living in a place where the closest thing to being Jewish may be watching Seinfeld.

Mrs. Linklater is willing to let Abby handle the -- circumcision won't "cure" homosexuality you idiot -- end of it. What Mrs. L wants to know, given Grandma's frightening suggestion and remote location, is just what she thinks her grandson is doing that qualifies as gay behavior?

Is he borrowing your makeup, dresses and heels? Cross dressing ain't necessarily gay, Nana. Besides, think of the fun you two could have hitting the sales and going to Eddie Izzard performances.

Does he talk about feeling like a female in a male body? Gender identity issues aren't usually about being gay either. So don't think of it as losing a grandson, think of it as gaining a granddaughter.

Your grandson may also just be light years ahead of his peers. That preference of his for cut off jeans and sleeveless shirts with shaved armpits is quite continental -- take a look at the husband of the 2006 French Open winner, Justine Henin-Hardenne.
He wore an open collared, white sleeveless shirt, which revealed hairfree armpits when he lifted his long, lithe arms. And that haircut!! But so not gay, just French.

Is he singing lyrics from Les Miz? Probably just preparing for his high school musical. Making flowers out of radishes? Just his Bobby Flay period.

Mrs. Linklater has a shelf full of softball trophies herself, which, if you go by the stereotype, is sure proof that she is a lesbian. Except she isn't. Luckily her own grandmother wasn't entertaining thoughts of removing Mrs. L's breasts to cure her of playing catch in the street.

Like Abby says [Boy, Mrs. Linklater hates it when she agrees with advice people], the only thing any kid wants. especially from their grandma, is acceptance -- no matter what his or her propensity for unusual, outre, outcast, or anti-establishment clothes, music, body art, politics, food, movies, etc., etc. might be.

Pretty much acceptance is all anybody wants.

I'm okay, you're an asshole -- is so late eighties.