Ask Mrs. Linklater "CHARLTON HESTON" Edition

Mrs. Linklater makes her usual apology for taking her slow, sweet time getting back here to napalm the wing-dings who call themselves advice columnists. But lately she's been on a personal crusade to rid the world of dryer lint and she just got back from the landfill. 

Needless to say, the more things change, the more things stay the same. Usually it's the answers that drive Mrs. L to run screaming from the room. This time it was the world's stupidest QUESTION that caused Mrs. Linklater to spew milk through her nose and accidentally fart when she burped afterward. Not pretty. 

To make matters worse, Abba Dabba's reply was almost as lame as the questions. So sit back, relax, and watch Ms. Cranky Pants work her magic at no cost to you. 

DEAR ABBY: For most of my life I have parted my hair on the right. I am now being told that men should part their hair on the left. Is there are correct side for men?

HARRY W., MORRO BAY, CALIF.

DEAR HARRY: I relayed your question to my hair design consultant, Bob Cox. According to Bob, people naturally have a cowlick [or "whorl"] on one side of their scalp from which the hair growth pattern emerges. [Some people have two, although one is usually stronger than the other.] This is what determines which way the hair will naturally fall when it is parted. 

Bob went on to relate the story of a client who had recently been referred to him. The gentleman had been going to his former barber for 15 years, and for 15 years his h air had never been easy to manage. Over the last couple of years, the problem had become so bad that his wife had to help him part his hair in the morning. 

Bob took one look and realized the former barber had been parting the man's hair on the wrong side, which had been causing it to stick up.  The problem was resolved with one appointment. 

Abby

Mrs. Linklater pulls the lever on her polyester plaid LA Z BOY and launches herself into the upright and locked position.  That's so she can take a deep breath of air before she shouts:

You've got to be sheeting me!!!

Someone has actually asked an advice maven what side of his hair he should part it on? What's next? Which finger should he use to find boogers? Which hand should hold the tissue that wipes his butt? Which armpit should he check for B.O.?

No doubt, in an attempt to prevent lawsuits, Abby can't just ignore Harry, who was dumb enough to sign his name and the town where he lives. She calls in a hair design consultant named Bob. Bob, in case you were wondering, is not a person who styles hair for a living. That would be a hair stylist. Bob is the person who stands behind the hair stylists and advises them where to put a part. Imagine, a person who gets to spend his entire professional career giving advice about which side of your head is the best side for splitting hairs. 

Excuse me, is the Apocalypse here or is this just a rehearsal?

Whatever happened to parting your hair on the left if you're lefthanded? And parting your hair on the right if you're righthanded? Or, if you've got a cowlick, you can just comb your hair straight back and it will make its own part for you.

Sheesh, next time could you people wait until Mrs. Linklater is done napping before you insist on annoying her with this stuff

Ask Mrs. Linklater "YOU'RE GROUNDED" Edition

Refreshed and relaxed after her recent stint in lockdown, the cloying and annoying beyotch makes one of her rare and scary public appearances. Wait, here she comes now. . .

Mrs. Linklater gets off the sofa to microwave a slice of last night's pizza and spill YooHoo on Dear Abby's column. This one in today's Chicago Tribune is a beaut:

Dear Abby: I am a 14-year-old girl. I have this boyfriend I have been dating for a month. His name is "Travis," and he is 15 -- almost 16. Travis has had other girlfriends before me, but he said that nothing happened between them. He calls me about four times a week, and I talk to him at school daily. He keeps giving me the impression that he wants to move our relationship further.

When I told one of Travis' closest friends, I was informed that he had said that to the last three girls he had. So now I suspect that he has had sexual relationships with all of them. I would do anything for Travis, and he would do the same for me. But I am not sure I want to have sex with him -- at least not yet.

My sister, "Tess," who is dating one of my friends, told me to just go along with it. But I don't know if I would be doing the right thing. I want Travis to be happy, but I don't want to get hurt in the process. Please help.

-- Lost and Confused in Lake Charles

Dear Lost And Confused: Travis may be the nicest boy in the world, but look at the last three girls he "had." He's not with any of them, is he? That means your boyfriend has a short attention span, and more than a girlfriend, he wants a challenge.

Please do not listen to your sister's advice and "go along with it" to make him "happy." There are three sad girls standing in the background who tried to make him happy. I predict that trio will soon become a Greek chorus, and you do not want to be part of that crowd. Strictly limit your "alone time" with him.

Dear Lost and Confused:

Mrs. Linklater hates to say this, but the Ab-meister has a point -- "Please do not listen to your sister's advice." No shit. Your sister Tess sounds like she's just three condoms short of a gang bang. By the way, do you girls have PARENTS? You know, the people who give you direction and warn you about the lies lies and more lies that teen aged boys and the men they become will fabricate to get you to make them feel "happy." Or should I say, make "Mr. Happy" feel happy?

Mrs. Linklater predicts that Travis picked your sorry ass out of the lineup because nobody's home after school. An empty house is as good as the back seat of a 1967 Buick Riviera parked in the woods. While we're at it, if Travis the wonder boy ever looks at you with his baby blues and actually has the balls to say that those other girls meant nothing to him, listen carefully -- because he's saying you mean nothing to him either. Now go to your room, you're grounded for life.

Note to ABBY -- "Greek chorus"? Oblique references to 2000 year old plays is just confusing to hormone poisoned teenagers.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "TACKY TACKY TACKY" Edition

Mrs. Linklater hasn't ridiculed any advice ladies over here at her warm and cozy second home on Blogspot since September or so. Is she sick? Dead? Out of town? No, I'm still here.

So, in an attempt to shake her out of her doldrums, a concerned relative sent this Dear Abby advice travesty to Mrs. L., hoping to get her back into the fray. Or at least the mud wrestling.

As usual she graciously lets her readers digest this abomination for themselves before the outspoken Mrs. Linklater gets to take a crack at Flabby Abby herself. Feel free to leave your own opinions regarding Abby's shocking suggestion for retaliation.

September 13, 2006

Dear Abby: There's a man in our community I'll call "Uncle Harry." Uncle Harry is in his mid-70s and considers himself one of the finest Christians in the area. Many of us, however, know this to be an exaggeration.

The main problem with Uncle Harry is his insistence on hugging almost all the women he comes in contact with. These "hugs" are not chaste, loose hugs about the shoulders. Uncle Harry insists on bear hugs, where he puts both arms around the woman and presses her breasts against his chest. Occasionally, his hands will also drift to the area of the buttocks.

Several women have complained, and family members have cautioned Uncle Harry about his behavior. He will stop temporarily, and then start up again in a few days. He has convinced himself that all these women want to hug him, but I have seen the expressions on the faces of some of his hug victims, and most are not at all happy. The women are hesitant to complain because Uncle Harry's wife IS one of the finest Christians in the area.

What can be done about Uncle Harry? I see him as a sexual predator, but he insists his hugs are just an example of his fine Christian fellowship. — No Hugs, Please, in Alabama

Dear No Hugs, Please: Because the complaints have been ignored, a dose of aversion therapy might dampen the ardor of lecherous Uncle Harry. I recommend that the ladies who are offended by his behavior form a "united front." By this I mean, agree to put thumb tacks in your brassieres (facing outward, of course) when you know you'll be seeing him. I predict that if you do, he will hug you less enthusiastically from then on.

[REDNESS caused by Mrs. L's blood pressure rising]

Seriously, any woman who objects to Uncle Harry's "hugs" needs to open her mouth and tell him so in no uncertain terms. Enough is enough.

Mrs. Linklater locks and loads her cannon:

Dear Abby, titular tacks? Oh, you were just kidding? Tsk tsk, Ab, you shouldn't make jokes about that kind of retaliation, because there are women out there who will take your suggestion and try it at home.

By the way, tacks aren't nearly as effective as nine inch nails.

Abby says to "tell him. . .in no uncertain terms."

Tell him what, Abby? "No, thanks, I don't want a hug"? Harry's the kind of guy who'll just grab your ass anyway. Clearly he's not responding to the subtle hints of pure disgust and utter revulsion these women are sending out.

Mrs. Linklater doesn't usually advocate physical violence, but some guys need more encouragement than others.

Her personal choice for keeping away men who think they have an inalienable right to hug you, is one she recommends only if you have the courage to raise your voice. But be careful, since "GET THE F**K AWAY FROM ME!!" can empty a stadium if not modulated properly.

On the other hand, if your voice lacks volume, you can whisper into his ear, "TOUCH ME AND YOU DIE!"

Hallelujah! Mrs. Linklater positively rejoices when she can help rid the world of one more sexual predator in clergyman clothes.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "PARENT POWER" Edition

Mrs. Linklater is painfully aware that she has neglected to mount any recent attacks on the Advice Ladies of America, but re-hab's been a bitch, so sue her.

Alrighty then, let's get out the sharp stick and start poking one of those babbling babes in the eye. Just like riding a bike. Once you get the pedals moving, it's like old times.

Mrs. Linklater, in her infinite wisdom, understands that each generation has its own set of rules. For instance hers started out requiring hats, white gloves and pearls on dates and ended up doing drugs in a meadow naked, with roadies for the Rolling Stones. Times change, but parents remain the same. Someone has to act as a reality check during the shakedown period called growing the hell up, when raging hormones can be hazardous to a young person's health. Not to mention anyone standing close enough to get sprayed.

August 24, 2006
Dear Prudence
What do you do when values clash? I know it's up to my husband and me to set the standards in our house, and we always have, but we now have a problem. Our teenage son (17) has started going out with his first girlfriend. He badgers us to let her stay overnight in our house, but we've said no and explained that as long as he is in high school, we don't approve of having him bring home girlfriends overnight. There were a few tantrums in which we were accused of "living in the 19th century" and then a long period of the silent treatment. Meanwhile, he has found a way around the problem. His girlfriend's parents offer to let him stay with them overnight, anytime. We feel they are encouraging our son to disregard the values in our family—something he is very happy to do—and are very upset about their interference. I think we should approach the girlfriend's family about it, but my husband is against that.
—Old-Fashioned

Dear Old,
Some parents feel that as long as behavior they don't entirely approve of is taking place under their roof—underage drinking, taping sessions of Girls Gone Wild—they are in control of it. But these two teenagers are minors, and you have an obligation to set the standards for your son's behavior. He makes quite a case for his maturity: He throws a tantrum, then pouts. As for you, what's the point of having old-fashioned values if you're not going to enforce them? You need to have a talk with the girl's parents. Don't be either defensive or self-righteous; just say your son is not allowed to sleep at their house. Yes, your son will be angry, but what you are doing is not just for now, but for when he is a parent and can draw on the lessons you taught him about standing firm. However, since it is obvious your son has become sexually active, you must have a blunt discussion with him about the necessity of always using birth control. You certainly don't want him to start using your valuable parenting lessons in his senior year of high school.
-- Prudie

Sheesh. Mrs. Linklater is having flashbacks. Why is it, the more things change the more they remain the same? Has there ever been a hormone poisoned kid who didn't want privileges without any of the responsibilities? And taking out the garbage doesn't count. Come on Ma, lemme jump my girlfriend, all the other kids are doing it.

Prudie's trying so hard to help here. Mom and Dad definitely have to have a pow wow with the parents of the girlfriend. But their kid needs more than a finger shaking in his face. Or his pathetic parents pleaiding with him to be reasonable. He needs Mrs. Linklater's big damn frying pan upside the head.

Okay, Junior, here's the deal: No sleepovers while you are in high school. Period. Not even with your "buddies." In exchange you can live in our house and we will provide you with food, clothing, and let you use the car, as long as you're also home when we tell you, clean up your room and do your chores.

If you insist on sleeping with your girlfriend at her house against our wishes, you owe us $200 a month rent and you're on your own for food and transportation. As for doing your laundry and buying those new jeans you wanted? Sorry, they're not included. Oh, and remember how you wanted to go to college? Not on our dime. Hope the sex is worth it.

By the way Mom and Dad, if Junior turns eighteen during all this, remind him that he can be arrested for all kinds of stuff depending on how far he travels and how young his girlfriend is. If you don't rat him out, Mrs. Linklater will be happy to oblige.

Have a nice day.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "MEET THE FOOKERS" Edition

Mrs. Linklater is jumping for JOY. That means a leap of about an inch off the ground. She's a woman and she's white. Mrs. L, while on another mission, found yet another advice maven to rassle, again thanks to a link from Chris at Random Thoughts and Ramblings -- sorry I don't do links here because I CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW -- OKAY?!!! Anywho this new babe is in Washington D.C. And another blogger, a Mr. RedSneakz -- again no link, but you could Google the guy -- sez he agrees with her as much as he disagrees with her. So that would be what? A ringing endorsement for HALF the time? Outa my way. Lemme at her!!!

Dear Carolyn:

I have been dating Phillip for eight months. I am 29, 5 feet 10, and the smallest person in my immediate family. He is 5 feet 6 and looks a lot younger than his age (30). Yet, he is my soul mate.

Even though I told my family Phillip was small and looked young, they were shocked when they saw him. They immediately started to tease and play jokes on him; he reacted very well and laughed. More than once he looked at me, but I said nothing. I have always been a little intimidated by my parents (long story).

After a full day, Phillip told them nicely that he was getting tired of being a target. My family stopped for about 20 minutes and then started again.

Also, he had been reluctant to meet my family because he felt he would be a burden; he is a strict vegetarian because of a digestive problem. I convinced him that my family would not mind. My brother and his wife brought a casserole over that they said was vegetarian. Another joke on him! Twenty minutes later Phillip had stomach cramps, 10 minutes later we called the ambulance. The casserole had meat in it. Everyone just assumed his aversion to meat was ethical, and my family doesn't understand why anyone would have an ethical reason for not eating meat.

My family feels really terrible about what happened. They blame Phillip and me for not explaining his dietary restriction, but offered to pay the co-insurance for his medical bills. He turned down the offer, saying he blames himself for staying when my family was abusive.

That remark really hurt me. That's not my family! He then told me that he expected his life partner would defend and protect him, and that he lost respect for me. I think he is unforgiving, and he says I need to get my head out of the fog (actually a part of my anatomy).

R.C.

He's 5 feet 6, "yet" he is your soul mate?

Run, Phillip, run.

"Abusive" is your family exactly. It's a breeding ground for bullies. You don't seem domineering yourself -- maybe because you've been bullied by everyone else. But while you admit to being intimidated by your parents, you aren't able to admit to yourself yet that taunting someone is oppressive, deciding which diet restrictions to respect is arrogant, and mocking someone's genetic outcome is just cruel -- and that these represent the values you call home.

Indeed, you aren't yet sure you don't subscribe to these values yourself. Some vegetarians are more worthy than others? "Yet, he is my soul mate"?

It's notoriously hard to see one's family clearly. It can take time, trauma, both; it can elude you in spite of these. It can be painful. Obviously you love these people.

But when your myopia causes obvious anguish and a ride in the screaming white bus, it's time to get your head out of the fog. I think Phillip has shown willingness to forgive just by giving you a chance to grow up and see his point. Now grow up and see his point. (An apology would be swell, too.) Just be careful; bullies are your comfort zone. You don't want to break with one only to serve another.

Mrs. Linklater gets out her Kevlar. She wants to start at the BEGINNING -- which is where this all went wrong.

When she hears that one loved one is going to meet the other loved one's family for the FIRST TIME, she always asks the same question: ARE YOU NUTS? HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND? Okay, that's two questions.

Mrs. Linklater speaks from too many years of experience. Finally she's learned. She knows she's in trouble the moment she hears "Wait till you meet my Mom!"

Because the first time you meet the family is almost always THE ONLY TIME. It often means the END of your time together.

Are you ready to give up having regular sex? Then don't go.
Are you ready to give up having regular sex? [That's right Mrs. Linklater repeated the question in case you missed it the first time.]

DON'T GO.

In case you think that sex isn't everything, just wait until it's gone.

No matter how normal you think your family is on any given day, on the day your loved one meets them they will act like complete idiots. Your mother will call your loved one by your ex's name. Your father will too. But only after he insults sweetums poopsie's 1) religion 2) politics 3) career 4) car and, 5) ethnic heritage.

Read Mrs. Linklater's collagen inflated lips: DON'T GO!

Your little brother will fart. You little sister will stare. Your grandmother will use her cane to poke poke poke them in the butt. If you have a neutered dog, he will hump their leg. Your friendly, sweet cat will bite them.

In Phillip's case -- the family started by "joking" about his height. This led to messing around with his food. And finally , they almost killed him.

When meeting the family, remember death is always an option.

Of course, YOU will be helpless to prevent anything. YOU will stand around like a dope because you know this is just a bad dream and it will end soon.

But what's really going to END is your relationship as you knew it. Remember those Sunday mornings in bed? Those Saturday nights on the stairway of a club? Those weekends on the beach? Those holidays in front of the fireplace? Those afternoons at work when you closed the door to your office?

Not any more. Not after they meet your family.

So if you value your sex life -- just say NO.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "CAN'T GET IT UP" Edition

Mrs. Linklater has learned that there are three truths in any troubled relationship. 1) Nothing is ever your fault. 2) You are the understanding one. 3) They just don't get it. Especially when it comes to sex. And isn't that what everything comes down to between a man and a woman -- sex or no sex?

PUBLISHED June 12, 2006 Chicago Sun-Times

DEAR ELLIE: I'm 55, and I'm dating a 50-year-old who can't really have sex. So when he can't get it going he blames me!

He says I'm too aggressive in bed, but I'm not: I'm sensual. Or I stop, as I have a 20-year-old who might walk in. So I have to know where we're at before we start anything.

We have a great time when we hang out. I'm very jealous -- I'm working on that. I really don't look much older than him, but he does look at other women. I know he'd rather be with someone 35, but in reality he can't even handle someone 55.

I told him we should chill for a while, but I miss him. Please tell me what to do.

--ISSUES

DEAR ISSUES: Chilling will only give you shivers, when it's goose bumps from sex that you really want. You need to talk to your guy about your mutual intentions.

If you want to be together and also have an intimate relationship, you both need to make changes. He has to stop blaming you and see if there's any medical or other cause for his not "getting it going." You have to learn to enjoy the cuddling and foreplay, and arrange some private time when your adult child is either definitely not home or understands that a closed door means privacy.

As for your jealousy and age worries, get over them, or these will form a bigger obstacle between you. Focus on whether you can get what you both want from each other. If you can't, then cool it completely.

Ellie -- the reason you are trying to fix this mess is?

Mrs. Linklater is getting whiplash. First ISSUES says her boyfriend thinks she's too sexually aggressive. Then she turns around and says she stops in the middle of things.

Next she says they have a great time together. Then she says she's jealous.

Next she says he'd rather be with someone 35. Then she says he can't handle her 55 year old self.

Next she suggests they split up for awhile, but now she misses him. Did we mention he's impotent?

Which brings Mrs. Linklater to her question of the week -- WTF? Only a very lonely, I-have-no-life female would want to stay with a guy who blames her for his dysfunctional machine, looks longingly at other women when they're out, and doesn't seem to miss her when they split up.

Love hurts. Learn your lesson. Move on.

Mrs. Linklater's annual moment of sympathy is now over.

Ask Mrs. Linklater "GENDER BENDER" Edition

As time passes and surgery improves, new problems arise in the world of transgender etiquette, as anyone with a concern for excruciatingly correct behavior can well appreciate. So Mrs. Linklater hereby deputizes herself, temporarily, as a member of the well-mannered in an attempt to put some rules in place for revealing just how extreme one's extreme makeover may have been.

Publlished June 16, 2006
Dear Abby: I recently met a gorgeous woman I'll call "Giselle." After we had dated for a couple of months and became physically involved, she told me she had had gender reassignment surgery and used to be a man! I was, to say the least, shocked and deeply disturbed.

I did not punch out Giselle as I would have liked to -- which brings me to my question. What is the etiquette regarding physically confronting someone like that? Is it the same as hitting a girl?

-- Distressed in Virginia

Dear Distressed: Because Giselle is now a female, it would, indeed, have been the same as hitting a girl. I have a feeling that she was probably more hurt that you stopped seeing her than any physical blow you might have inflicted. As to the "etiquette" regarding hitting her, if you hit someone of either gender, it is assault and battery.

Good point Abby, dear. Luckily we have the Penal Code these days, since the Code of Chivalry is sorely lacking a paragraph on transgender issues. Unfortunately, the matter in question -- can one punch out a woman who used to be a man -- is clearly beside the point on this occasion as far as Mrs. Linklater is concerned.

Although she didn't ask, "Giselle" should have shared her sex change well before her love interest was ever in the upright and locked position. She was lucky. Most men wouldn't write to Dear Abby to ask whether it was proper etiquette to punch her out.

Apparently her time as a man didn't teach "Giselle" about men. She probably thought that her allure as a fully reconstructed female would overcome any concern her lover might experience once they had sex. Typical female. Haaaaaaa. However, she failed to account for the EWWWWWWWWW factor.

EWWWW, you used to be a man. Did I just have sex with a man? EWWWW. I'm not gay. I'm not. I'm not. I like women. You look like a woman. But you used to be a guy? That is so gross. I don't like being fooled. I feel like a fool. EEEEEWWWWWWWW.

Granted if "Giselle" tells men about her transgender status, she will be almost certainly rejected. Initially. However, she may discover that telling the truth may give men time to think it over, get to know her, and decide her former life doesn't matter. And if it does, she can avoid a bad reaction that could some day end her life.

"Distressed," like most men, would surely run away at first. But the same allure that makes "Giselle" a sexy woman could well bring him back. On his own terms.

Isn't that what sex change operations are all about. To stop living a lie? To become the person on the outside that you feel on the inside? So it doesn't make much sense to start telling more lies after the surgery.

On the other hand, Mrs. Linklater realizes that people will do anything to get laid.