BY ELLIE TESHER Publiched in the Chicago Sun-Times November 19, 2005
DEAR ELLIE: I'm 57, and I haven't had physical relations with my wife in 14 years. I've been getting therapy for depression, and I've started a lifestyle change. I've lost a lot of weight, and my libido has improved along with my energy.
However, I no longer find my wife attractive, as she's gained a lot of weight over many years. When we met, I told her I wasn't attracted to heavy women. She gave up trying to hold her weight down. Now she's working out with me four days a week but not making much progress.
My therapist said to develop a network of friends, but I have a hard time making male friends. So I've tried to make female friends, but this upsets my wife. I don't know what to do.
DEAR CHANGING: First, put down your bag of excuses and defenses. That should make your situation easier to grasp.
Your lifestyle change for better health, energy and mood is good news. Expecting your wife to change and catch up immediately is just plain unfair. Women have a harder time losing weight -- they put it on in different places and need longer periods of behavior change in diet, exercise and nutrition -- than men.
Unless you give her encouragement for trying -- rather than rejection -- it's that much harder for her. It seems you believe it was OK to give up sex when you chose. Now, saying you're "not attracted" sounds to me like yet another punitive rebuff. Talk to your therapist about how you relate to your wife.
In my opinion, you may need friends, but you also need to work on repairing this marriage that you've neglected too long.
Mrs. Linklater cracks her original Lash LaRue hand tooled leather whip. CRACK.
Mrs. L especially loves it when husbands like this newly slim Jim claim,"I haven't had relations with my wife in fourteen years." Are you bragging or something, Lover Boy?
Doesn't sound like she's been DYING to have sex with YOU either, Flabio. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! If you're like many husbands who complain about not being attracted to their spouses, your Rollover Beethoven technique probably got old pretty early.
So on some level she listened to what you said about not liking fat women and said, "Hey, If I can keep this bozo away from me with a few bags of Oreos, it'll be worth it." Worked didn't it? Correct me if I'm wrong, but weren't you FAT too?
Meanwhile, your therapist has encouraged you to create a network of friends, now that you're feeling more friendly. But despite your best efforts they're all females? Where are you hanging out? Chat rooms? How's that combover working for you?
You married someone who was willing to put up with your no fun self for all this time. Now that you're getting sleek and feeling sassy you want a do-over? So typical.
You're a work in progress. Half-baked at best. Don't jump off the train when you're only halfway to the destination.
Mrs. Linklater sounds so zen sometimes.
Okay, gotta get out of this bustier, it's chafing. And these boots are killing my feet.