Saturday, November 19, 2005

Ask Mrs. Linklater TUB O' GUTS Edition

Mrs. Linklater loves it when hubby finally puts down the remote and declares himself a disaster area. And then starts pointing the finger at wifey-poo like it was her fault for his bad self all along. Looks like it's crack the whip time here in Mrs. L-Town. While she's looking for her leather bustier and thigh high boots, you can read what advice Miss Ellie suggested as a solution to this marital monkey bidness.

BY ELLIE TESHER Publiched in the Chicago Sun-Times November 19, 2005

DEAR ELLIE: I'm 57, and I haven't had physical relations with my wife in 14 years. I've been getting therapy for depression, and I've started a lifestyle change. I've lost a lot of weight, and my libido has improved along with my energy.

However, I no longer find my wife attractive, as she's gained a lot of weight over many years. When we met, I told her I wasn't attracted to heavy women. She gave up trying to hold her weight down. Now she's working out with me four days a week but not making much progress.

My therapist said to develop a network of friends, but I have a hard time making male friends. So I've tried to make female friends, but this upsets my wife. I don't know what to do.


DEAR CHANGING: First, put down your bag of excuses and defenses. That should make your situation easier to grasp.

Your lifestyle change for better health, energy and mood is good news. Expecting your wife to change and catch up immediately is just plain unfair. Women have a harder time losing weight -- they put it on in different places and need longer periods of behavior change in diet, exercise and nutrition -- than men.

Unless you give her encouragement for trying -- rather than rejection -- it's that much harder for her. It seems you believe it was OK to give up sex when you chose. Now, saying you're "not attracted" sounds to me like yet another punitive rebuff. Talk to your therapist about how you relate to your wife.

In my opinion, you may need friends, but you also need to work on repairing this marriage that you've neglected too long.

Mrs. Linklater cracks her original Lash LaRue hand tooled leather whip. CRACK.
Take that you friendless former Fatboy. You lose a little weight and think you're God's gift, huh?

Mrs. L especially loves it when husbands like this newly slim Jim claim,"I haven't had relations with my wife in fourteen years." Are you bragging or something, Lover Boy?

Doesn't sound like she's been DYING to have sex with YOU either, Flabio. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! If you're like many husbands who complain about not being attracted to their spouses, your Rollover Beethoven technique probably got old pretty early.

So on some level she listened to what you said about not liking fat women and said, "Hey, If I can keep this bozo away from me with a few bags of Oreos, it'll be worth it." Worked didn't it? Correct me if I'm wrong, but weren't you FAT too?

Meanwhile, your therapist has encouraged you to create a network of friends, now that you're feeling more friendly. But despite your best efforts they're all females? Where are you hanging out? Chat rooms? How's that combover working for you?

You married someone who was willing to put up with your no fun self for all this time. Now that you're getting sleek and feeling sassy you want a do-over? So typical.

You're a work in progress. Half-baked at best. Don't jump off the train when you're only halfway to the destination.

Mrs. Linklater sounds so zen sometimes.

Okay, gotta get out of this bustier, it's chafing. And these boots are killing my feet.


Sie said...

Doesn't sound like he's trying to make friends to me. Sounds more like he's been trying to pick up women and failing...hehehe.

Donna said...

Well, if nobody else is going to comment... I will! ::standing ovation::

emmapeelDallas said...

ROFL - this is one of your best yet. AND it has the added benefit of giving us chicks a new sly line to exchange when we see a guy we wouldn't sleep with if he were the last male on earth: "Pass the oreos!"

LOL! :)


Remo said...

Fourteen years without sex or fourteen years without sex with his wife?? Forget the therapy. Get that man some hand lotion. Those callouses must be just killing him.

Bluwave said...

Fourteen years?!? There should be a law..

And this guy has AOL chatroom written ALL over him.


Bedazzzled1 said...

Excellent (and funny) entry. I am still hung up on the 14 years with no sex bit, though. God. That was 14 years of VOLUNTARILY having no sex. I'd sooner chew off my foot than go sexless for that many years.

Robin said...

All the world needs is one more limp dick depressed man wearing a gold chain and a muscle shirt. 14 years? It only takes 7 to be declared legally dead.

Ahh. All better now.

robin said...

14 years? It only takes 7 to be declared legally dead. All the world needs is one more limp dick loser wearing gold chains and muscle shirts.

Ahh. All better now.

Chris said...

I'm sorry, I never got past the boots and bustier.

Damn, I need to go wake Alexis up and have sex. (for those folks who DONT know I'm kidding....don't bother emailing me saying how horrible I am)

Another great installment....when are you replacing that hack full time?

Stacy-Lynn said...

LOL great entry! Sure he isn't dead?


Judith HeartSong said...

catcalls and whistles..... and I liked your post too:):):) judi

AlbGlinka said...

Are you sure you don't want to work in a binkin-wax factory???

smooches, Albert

dreaminglily said...

Daaaayyyuuummmm.... Fourteen YEARS? Most guys can't last FOURTEEN DAYS!!! Someone's lying about "sexual relations" lol Maybe it wasn't with his wife but he was "dealing" with something lol

Ugh... gimme Oreos, I wanna keep that "God's gift" away from me.

And HOW can he ONLY be making female friends? Trying to pick up women and using the "friends" excuse. For shame! At least he's striking out lol ;o)

::shiver:: Kris is right. I'm sure he's been in AOL chats.

Anna said...

Wow, he sounds like a winner.
I don't believe that fourteen years, not for a minute.
He's lost a few pounds, and morphed into Mr Slim-Shady, lol, and you know he's online, right now...

KathyZee said...

Tears streaming down my face, I shouted to the other room 'Honey! You've got to read this. You might figure out a few things!"

Hey sometimes, you just can't tell them youself.

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