Saturday, June 10, 2006

Ask Mrs. Linklater "IS MY GRANDSON GAY?" Edition

Oy vey!! Mrs. Linklater, who has been called a Stealth Jew by M.O.T. was compelled to respond to this letter after seeing it posted at Patrick's Place:

She believes that this travesty of misguided information presages the end of the world in more ways than global warming could ever imagine. Meanwhile, as Mrs. L enjoys her local deli's tasty Presbyterian sandwich for lunch [corned beef on white with mayo], we'll let Abby flail around first with her answer to this ditzy woman's question.

Published June 8, 2006
DEAR ABBY: I have reason to believe that a young man in my family may be gay. (He is 15.) I have been thinking a lot about it lately, and have been wondering if circumcision would cure it. What do you think? -- GRANDMOTHER IN MISSOURI

DEAR MISSOURI GRANDMOTHER: Homosexuality is not an illness, and therefore there is no need for a "cure." I predict that your family will be happier if you accept your relative exactly the way he is, love him, support him, and stop trying to think of ways to cure him. 

P.S. Circumcision is a sacred rte of the Jewish religion. If your theory were valid, then there would be no Jewish homosexuals. And yet, among the successful, gay, Jewish men who are "out" are Harvey Fierstein, Michael Feinstein, Barney Frank, and David Geffen -- to name a few. (Ooops! And let's not forget Isaac Mizrahi.)

Mrs. Linklater would also like to remind Abby that a huge portion of the entire male population of the USA, Jewish or not, is also circumcized, since doctors once considered it the hygienic thing to do, but who's looking?

Speaking of which, Mrs. L was afraid she'd get a gander when a former boss of hers underwent circumcision at the age of 45. Activity of a sexual nature had left him with unpleasantly recurring things that liked living in the uncircumcised area. So he underwent the procedure and returned to work only to describe in anatomical detail every painful pee he had to suffer. Fortunately without photographs. And you wonder why none of us sued. Me. too.

But Mrs. L digresses. Time to tackle today's noxious note from Grandma. Perhaps her location in Missouri is reason enough for circumcision to seem like an option, since she is living in a place where the closest thing to being Jewish may be watching Seinfeld.

Mrs. Linklater is willing to let Abby handle the -- circumcision won't "cure" homosexuality you idiot -- end of it. What Mrs. L wants to know, given Grandma's frightening suggestion and remote location, is just what she thinks her grandson is doing that qualifies as gay behavior?

Is he borrowing your makeup, dresses and heels? Cross dressing ain't necessarily gay, Nana. Besides, think of the fun you two could have hitting the sales and going to Eddie Izzard performances.

Does he talk about feeling like a female in a male body? Gender identity issues aren't usually about being gay either. So don't think of it as losing a grandson, think of it as gaining a granddaughter.

Your grandson may also just be light years ahead of his peers. That preference of his for cut off jeans and sleeveless shirts with shaved armpits is quite continental -- take a look at the husband of the 2006 French Open winner, Justine Henin-Hardenne.
He wore an open collared, white sleeveless shirt, which revealed hairfree armpits when he lifted his long, lithe arms. And that haircut!! But so not gay, just French.

Is he singing lyrics from Les Miz? Probably just preparing for his high school musical. Making flowers out of radishes? Just his Bobby Flay period.

Mrs. Linklater has a shelf full of softball trophies herself, which, if you go by the stereotype, is sure proof that she is a lesbian. Except she isn't. Luckily her own grandmother wasn't entertaining thoughts of removing Mrs. L's breasts to cure her of playing catch in the street.

Like Abby says [Boy, Mrs. Linklater hates it when she agrees with advice people], the only thing any kid wants. especially from their grandma, is acceptance -- no matter what his or her propensity for unusual, outre, outcast, or anti-establishment clothes, music, body art, politics, food, movies, etc., etc. might be.

Pretty much acceptance is all anybody wants.

I'm okay, you're an asshole -- is so late eighties.


elleme said...

What puzzles me is where Grandma got the idea that circumcision has anything to do with it. That's not just minimal contact with Jewish people. Do you suppose she really means exorcism? To drive the demons out?

Mrs. L said...

If Grandma had spent more time with Jewish people she would know from circumcism.

If she hung out with more Catholics she'd know from exorcism too.

Mrs. L is thinking Grandma is a member of a born again group that condemns homosexuality.

She's so worried about her grandson that she's willing too go ecumenical to save his butt.

Chris said...

Good god, I SOOOOOO thought of you when I read this the other day and I was gonna forward it to you.

A more disturbing question than how does Grandma know he is gay, is how does Granny know he is uncircumsized.......

For the record, I am circumsized. Of course, everyone knows that Ferdinand Magellan was the first person ever circumsized, I read that in Winkipedia.

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Brennan said...

"So don't think of it as losing a grandson, think of it as gaining a granddaughter."

As per usual, you're a genius.

As for the comment you left me about buying entertainment for the American masses, you can HAVE Howie Mandel.

And yeah, the French really don't listen to anything you say. That's why they're not eating freedom fries, but FRENCH fries. These people need to be on a bandwagon that is acceptably American. ;)

And final exams go for me until June because Europe hates children, and especially children who enjoy being in nature. That's the REAL reason they lock the city park at night. They don't want kids to discover that trees are not the singular and most hated enemy of European culture. That's why kids scream, cry, and look generally frightened when they see trees. Really.

As for what I'm a gonna be when I grow up, it's an 'if I grow up,' and I'll let you know.

For now, I'll settle for not in debt or selling my body on Ebay.

Patrick said...

When I saw this letter, one of the things I thought was, "Wouldn't it be funny if Mrs. L cut loose on this woman?"

You proved me right! :)

Thanks, as always, for the laugh.

Chris said...

Mrs. L......did you see Ann Landers(or was it Dear Abby) today? It was in dire need of your advice. A man had been dating a woman who revealed after becoming physical that she was once a man and had had transgender surgery. His question was would it have been ok to hit she/he or would it have been striking a woman.

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Judith HeartSong said...

it is always good to be here! :):):) judi

gay-ex-choosid said...

thank u mrs. l this is great stuff. and btw i am circumsized and am still gay.

thanks for the laughs. gc