Published December 10, 2004 Chicago Tribune
Dear Abby: I star in adult films. I am not ashamed of what I do, but sometimes other people's reaction to my profession can be severe.
I am trying to get my 4-year-old daughter, "Ashley," accepted into an exclusive religious day care. The problem is that on the application I am to state my profession, as well as her father's. My husband, "Rex," is also in the adult film industry.
Rex thinks we should just lie. I want my daughter to be accepted, but I know Ashley will be turned down if they find out we lied on the application. What do you think?
-- Tempest In L.A.
Dear Tempest: You don't have to lie. State that you are in the movie business. Just don't mention that the movies you're in are "blue," and cross your fingers that you don't run into any fans.
Mrs. Linklater butts in, if you'll pardon an expression. This reminds her of an article she read about how to choose your stripper stage name -- something young women can fall back on when they find they have to work their way through Harvard Law School.
Your first name should be a pet you once had. And your last name should be a street you lived on. So if you ever see NUDES NUDES NUDES "Featuring Twinkle Drexel" on a downtown marquee, you'll know Mrs. Linklater has a new gig. But she digresses.
My dear Tempest -- even though you're not just a run of the mill stripper who takes off her clothes, but a real star in adult movies, who not only takes off her clothes but performs acts of an explicitly sexual nature -- what we have here is a failure to communicate.
Mrs. Linklater is certain that what Dear Abby really meant to say was -- HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FREAKING MIND?
You are a PORN star. People who send their children to religious daycare do not want to be in the same room with you. But you just have this need to buy some respectability by sneaking your kid in. Did Mrs. Linklater get that right? Of course she did.
Why does this make her think of Jimmy Swaggert starting a brothel to raise money for his church?
Your daughter is an innocent bystander in all this. Don't make her a victim of your self-absorbed stupidity.
Have a nice day.