Monday, March 13, 2006

Ask Mrs. Linklater ADULT MOVIE" Edition

As usual, as a public service, Mrs. Linklater butts in when she deems it necessary to save people from themselves. Or vice versa. With all due respect to their honorable profession, Mrs. Linklater gives the advice columnists first crack. Age before beauty.

Dear Abby
Published December 10, 2004
Chicago Tribune

Dear Abby: I star in adult films. I am not ashamed of what I do, but sometimes other people's reaction to my profession can be severe.

I am trying to get my 4-year-old daughter, "Ashley," accepted into an exclusive religious day care. The problem is that on the application I am to state my profession, as well as her father's. My husband, "Rex," is also in the adult film industry.

Rex thinks we should just lie. I want my daughter to be accepted, but I know Ashley will be turned down if they find out we lied on the application. What do you think?

-- Tempest In L.A.

Dear Tempest: You don't have to lie. State that you are in the movie business. Just don't mention that the movies you're in are "blue," and cross your fingers that you don't run into any fans.

Mrs. Linklater butts in, if you'll pardon an expression. This reminds her of an article she read about how to choose your stripper stage name -- something young women can fall back on when they find they have to work their way through Harvard Law School.

Your first name should be a pet you once had. And your last name should be a street you lived on. So if you ever see NUDES NUDES NUDES "Featuring Twinkle Drexel" on a downtown marquee, you'll know Mrs. Linklater has a new gig. But she digresses.

My dear Tempest -- even though you're not just a run of the mill stripper who takes off her clothes, but a real star in adult movies, who not only takes off her clothes but performs acts of an explicitly sexual nature -- what we have here is a failure to communicate.

Mrs. Linklater is certain that what Dear Abby really meant to say was -- HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FREAKING MIND?

You are a PORN star. People who send their children to religious daycare do not want to be in the same room with you. But you just have this need to buy some respectability by sneaking your kid in. Did Mrs. Linklater get that right? Of course she did.

Why does this make her think of Jimmy Swaggert starting a brothel to raise money for his church?

Your daughter is an innocent bystander in all this. Don't make her a victim of your self-absorbed stupidity.

Have a nice day.

6 comments:

Donna said...

Great entry as usual. You always leave me laughing. By the way, my stripper name would be Cookie PO Box. In rural Iowa, we didn't have streets. Only blacktop and gravel roads. Nowadays, even these have been named.

Judith HeartSong said...

x used to drive a cab late at night years ago. He would pick all the strippers up and deliver them home, and would talk about their stage names and how they all were going to law school..............

huh.

Bluwave said...

I thought Mrs. Linklater was your porn star name.

As usual, good advice. Hopefully these parents will realize their self-absorbed stupidity. If not, I can already smell the E! True Hollywood Story.

dreaminglily said...

::blink::

::stare::

::blink:blink::

::tilts head::

::blink::

The woman's kidding... right?

Brennan said...

YES. Exactly. An exclusive religious daycare is just going to create more trouble. More to the point, I CAN'T BELIEVE DEAR ABBY RECOMMENDED LYING. LIKE, WHAT????
You tell em, Mrs. L.

Chris said...

She shouldn't lie about it.....all the church people will recognize her from the videos. :) ;) =)