Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Ask Mrs. Linklater "BLOW LUNCH" Edition

    Mrs. Linklater realizes that some people may have felt shortchanged by the previous entry. By now you must know that she doesn't really give a crap about your feelings, but, since she's trying to impress the people at ChicagoNow, she'll fake it till she makes it. So, in an attempt to give you, her dear and loyal readers, more value for the sticky quarters in your pocket, she takes another crack at Washington Post's paid adviser to anyone who needs to get a life -- Ms. Carolyn Hax and her relationship cartoonist, Nick with the long Greek last name. Just to show that Mrs. L has no hard feelings because she has to work for food free, here's another one of Nick's cartoons that has nothing to do with Ms. Hax's advice:
Dear Carolyn:
     This feels like an absurdly specific question, but it's a kind of question about courtesy that I have sometimes. I'm in college; sometimes, after class, a friend and I have lunch together. Her boyfriend lives near the cafeteria, so my friend tells me to go ahead while she uses the boyfriend's bathroom and fetches him to have lunch with us. The problem is that, often, I've been completely done with my meal by the time they show up. She always apologizes for keeping me waiting, but then it happens again. (I gather that the delays are caused either by spontaneous make-outs or by her coaxing him out of a bad mood to come to lunch.) I find this more annoying than I feel I should.
      My friend is normally the most considerate, courteous person I know; she would be mortified if I told her how cranky I get waiting for her. The thing is, even if I were to bring it up, I have no idea how I'd even phrase it. I don't want to embarrass her by bringing it up spontaneously when the boyfriend is there, but it seems weird to be all planning and calculating to tell her later, "You know how sometimes it takes you a while to get X from his room? I find that irritating." Part of me thinks I should forgive her this one thing, but the other part is repeatedly sitting alone at lunch, wondering when my friend will join me. I cannot believe how much brain real-estate this is taking up, but I just don't know how to handle it.
      Carolyn responds:
Yikes. Next time she tells you to go ahead without her, say, "Why don't you just call him? Otherwise I end up eating alone while I wait." You can also just leave when you finish your lunch.
That's for you. For your friend, if she happens to read this:
1. Stop "coaxing" your boyfriend out of a "bad mood." When you take it upon yourself to manage someone's emotions like that, you might as well be diapering a baby. (Alas, babies eventually grow out of diapers, where big babies often don't outgrow their enablers.)
2. Stop ditching your friend to go make out! Cheez. Either excuse yourself from the lunch date, or skip the boyfriend out of respect for your friend -- who needs to grow a spine, but who also, in the meantime, isn't going to tell you how rude and annoying she finds your little he-tours.

Good heavens, Carolyn, Mrs. Linklater is aghast. Have you ever noticed how "aghast" kind of looks like what it means? Sort of scary and appalled. "Agh" even sounds painful. And "ghast" is almost like ghost. Cosmic. Don't you think? No? Well, clearly Mrs. L is somewhat off topic and she doesn't want to waste any more of her dear and loyal readers' time. Has she referred to those of you who can read as "dear and loyal" enough, yet? 
       Back to hammering at the sad and pathetic advice of Carolyn Hax. [Hey, she's got an "ax" in her name.] Mrs. Linklater can't help but notice that Ms. Hax refuses to leave well enough alone. She spreads her advice around like mayonnaise at a picnic, insisting on sharing what passes for wisdom to not just one, but both of these ditzy coeds. While you're at it, how about telling the boyfriend he's a dick? Might as well include everyone. 
      Okay, let's get this over with. Dear College Girl Who Doesn't Know What To Say To Her Friend When She Asks Her To Go To Lunch And Then Leaves Her Alone So She Can Fart Around With Her Boyfriend And Use His Bathroom -- the next time you get an invite "JUST SAY NO!!!" 
      Sometimes Mrs. Linklater is the soul of brevity. Other times, not so much. 

Monday, March 08, 2010

Ask Mrs. Linklater "TATS ON YOUR BACK" Edition

Mrs. Linklater had hoped to announce that she had been chosen as one of the 4000 columnists at ChicagoNow, but, n-o-o-o-o, that's not going to happen anytime soon. Apparently she has to start posting in a more regular manner. More than every five weeks or so. Well, same to you, bitch. Geez. It sure ain't easy bein' me.
      But instead of crying in her Mrs. H.S. Ball's South African peach chutney, Mrs. Linklater will simply tough it out like the semi-professional she is. 
      Shake it off, Mrs. L. 
      All right, let's do this. Today Mrs. Linklater takes on Carolyn Hax who writes for the Washington Post. Ms. Hax is such a fancy advice maven that she also has her own "relationship cartoonist."  Who knew? Apparently he draws things that have no relevance to the advice Ms. Hax is handing out.
This seems to be an annoyed person checking the time. 

Dear Carolyn:
     Please help me figure out what to say to my sister, who got a tattoo yesterday. I have two myself, so I have no problem with tattoos. However, hers is HUGE. Big-black-lettering-on-her-back huge. I think it's awful but she loves it and keeps asking, "Isn't it great? Don'tcha love it?" My only response thus far is, "Wow, it's bigger than I imagined."
     Carolyn responds:
"You love it, right?" [She presumably says yes.] "Then that's awesome." Or, "It's a real statement." Or, "I love how happy you are."
Find a happy truth, then repeat as needed.

Mrs. Linklater steps up to the plate, takes a couple of swings and hits one out of the park:
     Ya know Carolyn, that advice just plain sucks. 

     Okay, we're done here.