Thursday, May 29, 2008

Ask Mrs. Linklater "CHARLTON HESTON" Edition

Mrs. Linklater makes her usual apology for taking her slow, sweet time getting back here to napalm the wing-dings who call themselves advice columnists. But lately she's been on a personal crusade to rid the world of dryer lint and she just got back from the landfill. 

Needless to say, the more things change, the more things stay the same. Usually it's the answers that drive Mrs. L to run screaming from the room. This time it was the world's stupidest QUESTION that caused Mrs. Linklater to spew milk through her nose and accidentally fart when she burped afterward. Not pretty. 

To make matters worse, Abba Dabba's reply was almost as lame as the questions. So sit back, relax, and watch Ms. Cranky Pants work her magic at no cost to you. 

DEAR ABBY: For most of my life I have parted my hair on the right. I am now being told that men should part their hair on the left. Is there are correct side for men?


DEAR HARRY: I relayed your question to my hair design consultant, Bob Cox. According to Bob, people naturally have a cowlick [or "whorl"] on one side of their scalp from which the hair growth pattern emerges. [Some people have two, although one is usually stronger than the other.] This is what determines which way the hair will naturally fall when it is parted. 

Bob went on to relate the story of a client who had recently been referred to him. The gentleman had been going to his former barber for 15 years, and for 15 years his h air had never been easy to manage. Over the last couple of years, the problem had become so bad that his wife had to help him part his hair in the morning. 

Bob took one look and realized the former barber had been parting the man's hair on the wrong side, which had been causing it to stick up.  The problem was resolved with one appointment. 


Mrs. Linklater pulls the lever on her polyester plaid LA Z BOY and launches herself into the upright and locked position.  That's so she can take a deep breath of air before she shouts:

You've got to be sheeting me!!!

Someone has actually asked an advice maven what side of his hair he should part it on? What's next? Which finger should he use to find boogers? Which hand should hold the tissue that wipes his butt? Which armpit should he check for B.O.?

No doubt, in an attempt to prevent lawsuits, Abby can't just ignore Harry, who was dumb enough to sign his name and the town where he lives. She calls in a hair design consultant named Bob. Bob, in case you were wondering, is not a person who styles hair for a living. That would be a hair stylist. Bob is the person who stands behind the hair stylists and advises them where to put a part. Imagine, a person who gets to spend his entire professional career giving advice about which side of your head is the best side for splitting hairs. 

Excuse me, is the Apocalypse here or is this just a rehearsal?

Whatever happened to parting your hair on the left if you're lefthanded? And parting your hair on the right if you're righthanded? Or, if you've got a cowlick, you can just comb your hair straight back and it will make its own part for you.

Sheesh, next time could you people wait until Mrs. Linklater is done napping before you insist on annoying her with this stuff