Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Ask Mrs. Linklater "BLOW LUNCH" Edition

    Mrs. Linklater realizes that some people may have felt shortchanged by the previous entry. By now you must know that she doesn't really give a crap about your feelings, but, since she's trying to impress the people at ChicagoNow, she'll fake it till she makes it. So, in an attempt to give you, her dear and loyal readers, more value for the sticky quarters in your pocket, she takes another crack at Washington Post's paid adviser to anyone who needs to get a life -- Ms. Carolyn Hax and her relationship cartoonist, Nick with the long Greek last name. Just to show that Mrs. L has no hard feelings because she has to work for food free, here's another one of Nick's cartoons that has nothing to do with Ms. Hax's advice:
Dear Carolyn:
     This feels like an absurdly specific question, but it's a kind of question about courtesy that I have sometimes. I'm in college; sometimes, after class, a friend and I have lunch together. Her boyfriend lives near the cafeteria, so my friend tells me to go ahead while she uses the boyfriend's bathroom and fetches him to have lunch with us. The problem is that, often, I've been completely done with my meal by the time they show up. She always apologizes for keeping me waiting, but then it happens again. (I gather that the delays are caused either by spontaneous make-outs or by her coaxing him out of a bad mood to come to lunch.) I find this more annoying than I feel I should.
      My friend is normally the most considerate, courteous person I know; she would be mortified if I told her how cranky I get waiting for her. The thing is, even if I were to bring it up, I have no idea how I'd even phrase it. I don't want to embarrass her by bringing it up spontaneously when the boyfriend is there, but it seems weird to be all planning and calculating to tell her later, "You know how sometimes it takes you a while to get X from his room? I find that irritating." Part of me thinks I should forgive her this one thing, but the other part is repeatedly sitting alone at lunch, wondering when my friend will join me. I cannot believe how much brain real-estate this is taking up, but I just don't know how to handle it.
      Carolyn responds:
Yikes. Next time she tells you to go ahead without her, say, "Why don't you just call him? Otherwise I end up eating alone while I wait." You can also just leave when you finish your lunch.
That's for you. For your friend, if she happens to read this:
1. Stop "coaxing" your boyfriend out of a "bad mood." When you take it upon yourself to manage someone's emotions like that, you might as well be diapering a baby. (Alas, babies eventually grow out of diapers, where big babies often don't outgrow their enablers.)
2. Stop ditching your friend to go make out! Cheez. Either excuse yourself from the lunch date, or skip the boyfriend out of respect for your friend -- who needs to grow a spine, but who also, in the meantime, isn't going to tell you how rude and annoying she finds your little he-tours.

Good heavens, Carolyn, Mrs. Linklater is aghast. Have you ever noticed how "aghast" kind of looks like what it means? Sort of scary and appalled. "Agh" even sounds painful. And "ghast" is almost like ghost. Cosmic. Don't you think? No? Well, clearly Mrs. L is somewhat off topic and she doesn't want to waste any more of her dear and loyal readers' time. Has she referred to those of you who can read as "dear and loyal" enough, yet? 
       Back to hammering at the sad and pathetic advice of Carolyn Hax. [Hey, she's got an "ax" in her name.] Mrs. Linklater can't help but notice that Ms. Hax refuses to leave well enough alone. She spreads her advice around like mayonnaise at a picnic, insisting on sharing what passes for wisdom to not just one, but both of these ditzy coeds. While you're at it, how about telling the boyfriend he's a dick? Might as well include everyone. 
      Okay, let's get this over with. Dear College Girl Who Doesn't Know What To Say To Her Friend When She Asks Her To Go To Lunch And Then Leaves Her Alone So She Can Fart Around With Her Boyfriend And Use His Bathroom -- the next time you get an invite "JUST SAY NO!!!" 
      Sometimes Mrs. Linklater is the soul of brevity. Other times, not so much. 


Candice said...

Great advice.

I think the late to lunch friend is enjoying a little too much of the pre-lunch tube steak.

I also think Miss. No balls should tell her friend to just go and get fucked, but the irony would just be too much.

tracy said...

Nas-tay comment you left me on "Serenity".....NAS-TAY!

Couldn't help but notice you came up with all kinds of excuses for the mom abuser, though.