Ask Mrs. Linklater "YOUR CHEATIN' HEART" Edition

When does cheating become cheating? Mrs. Linklater once looked at someone else's paper during a test in Latin. Not to copy her answers, but to see if she had the same answers as Mrs. Linklater did.

So is that cheating or just comparing notes? Which makes Mrs. Linklater wonder, is it cheating if a guy has sex with someone else? Or just comparing notes?

And what about porn? Cheating? Or Sex for Dummies?

This little philosophical diversion is designed to get you thinking out of the box, if you'll pardon an expression. Meanwhile, Mrs. Linklater has to leave the comfort of her bubble bath to prevent yet another advice column travesty. There is work to be done.

Margo Howard Thu Mar 23, 2006 11:06 AM ET

DEAR MARGO: I've been reading your column for years and have noticed that infidelity is a recurring subject. I have a new question regarding this. It is often said that when people cheat, it means they don't love their partner. Does this necessarily mean they love their lover?

If the cheater doesn't leave a partner, this could also mean he or she doesn't love the lover enough to make the decision to live their affair openly. So, whom does a cheater really love?

I am asking because I found out that my husband is cheating on me, but he keeps denying his affair -- even though I've confronted him with irrefutable proof. He tells me he loves me and that I am the woman in his life. I know I'm certainly not. What troubles me most is that he won't leave me or let me go.

I have even told him to fight for his love of this other woman by at least acknowledging the affair. My guess is that if a man is putting his marriage of 18 years in jeopardy, then it means he is madly in love. I would like to hear your opinion about people living ambiguous situations like this.
-- LIVING ON A PRAYER

DEAR LIV: I do not find this situation ambiguous at all. Your husband wants to stay married, for whatever reason, and he wants the girlfriend on the side. As for your proof and his denial, it reminds me of the famous instruction attributed to Fernando Lamas: "Deny, deny, deny." Comedians have embroidered on this line by adding, "Who are you going to believe -- me or your own eyes?"

As for whom the cheater loves, I actually think it's himself. Men who run around are often narcissistic, insecure and looking for excitement. In other words, they are not integrated, mature human beings. For a woman in your position, the decision is whether to put up with his dual life or live on your own.

When you say he won't leave you or let you go, may I remind you that you are half of this marriage, and should you so choose, you can let him go. Good luck figuring things out. -- Margo, decisively


Margo, after your four marriages, why does Mrs. Linklater have to keep bailing you out?

To quote Tina Turner, who knows a thing or two about badass husbands, "WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?" Exactly. Nothing. Zero. Love is beyond the comprehension of guys who cheat. On the other hand, lust is not. It's just that in the dark they start looking the same.

When a husband cheats, it's not that he doesn't love his wife. Or that he loves another person. They are too far up on the food chain for his skills.

He cheats because he's running on empty. The person he cheats with is there to shut out the white noise in his head. The little voice saying LOSER LOSER LOSER.

She's his fifth of whiskey. His line of coke. She's his case of beer and hours of football in front of the TV.

He's like a drunk who feels better after a few. Or a junkie after a hit. Or a gambler on a roll -- like anybody who has an addiction. His drug of choice -- another woman -- masks the symptoms. She anesthetizes the anxieties, fears, and stresses he can't deal with.

She's his escape from the responsibilities of his job, being a good parent to his children, and most of all, being a good husband to his wife.

After being with that other person, usually for sex, oh, hell, ALWAYS for sex, he's okay for awhile until the anxiety begins to take hold again and he's got to have more.

The other woman doesn't get his love. She gets to be his receptacle.

Afterward, he can return to his family and pretend he's a real person. Hi Honey, I'm ho-o-ome.

So he's not lying when he tells the wifey poo that the other woman doesn't exist. Because the other woman is not a person to him; she's his fix. She's his escape from real life.

Time for him to get a reality check. Time for wifey poo to get an allimony check.