Ask Mrs. Linklater "NAUGHTY BITS" Edition

DISCLAIMER: Remember Mrs. Linklater is just someone with an opinion. And this one will be like throwing gasoline on a fire. She can hardly wait for the conflagration.

Mrs. Linklater wonders if moms who parade around nude in front of their sons and fathers who flash the family jewels at their daughters think they are performing some kind of public service.

Would they do the same to their children's friends? No. Because it's inappropriate. And, if you want to get technical, illegal. So what makes it appropriate to do the same thing to their children? Because they're family and can't escape?

Mrs. L can't wait to expose these kinds of parents for the buck naked numbskulls they are. But first, the advice giver makes a lame attempt to put lipstick on this pig.

Dear Abby [Jeanne Phillips]
Published October 19, 2005 Chicago Tribune

Dear Abby: My son-in-law insists on walking around naked after his shower. He claims that he must let his hemorrhoids air-dry. This man has four children, three of whom are girls ages 9, 7 and 4. My daughter has done everything from plead to scream to get him to stop this habit, yet he still emerges from the bathroom with the announcement, "Turn your heads, girls, I'm naked!"

What more can my daughter do to get him to understand how potentially dangerous this is?

-- Disgusted in Jameson, Mo.

Dear Disgusted: I discussed your letter with Dr. Stephen Kuchenbecker, a respected colorectal surgeon in Los Angeles. He informs me that while hemorrhoid sufferers are advised not to rub that tender area of the body, they are encouraged to gently "pat" dry or even use a hand-held hair dryer to be sure the hemorrhoids are free of moisture.

It is not appropriate for your son-in-law to parade around in front of the girls. The next time he makes his grand entrance, your daughter and the girls should point at his lower midsection and start laughing. If that proves ineffective, she should buy a long extension cord for her hair dryer, and warn her spouse that if he doesn't dry his hemorrhoids, then she will.

Mrs Linklater is blowing milk through her nose. Here's a dad who ignores the pleas of his wife and daughters to stop putting his private parts on public display -- for whatever reason -- and Abby calls a colorectal surgeon?

Abby, it's pretty clear Dad's an asshead, we don't need a rectal doctor to confirm this. Besides, take away his 'roid excuse and Dad will just come up with another reason to display his donkey kong.

And that suggestion to have the girls point to it and laugh when he comes out of the bathroom. Are you hallucinating? Now he's got them looking at it thanks to YOU.

What is it about THE GIRLS DON'T LIKE LOOKING AT THEIR FATHER NAKED that you and he don't seem to understand?

Gotta play hardball. Next time he goes into the shower, Mom packs up the kids and they leave. She puts a note on the bathroom door that says they aren't coming back until he stops exposing himself AND gets counseling.

If exhibitionistic parents would consider their behavior a form of sexual abuse instead of defending their right to let it all hang out, children in this country might not need so many drugs to control their anxious behavior. Family nudity is particularly heinous when the parents are asked to stop by their children and they don't. Have they looked in a mirror lately?

There can be consequences. Good kids can start "acting out," having anger issues, substance abuse problems, boys attacking their mothers, girls exhibiting sexually promiscuous behavior, or one of Mrs. Linklater's personal favorites, four year olds pooping on the living room rug.

Two years old is usually the cut off time, if you'll pardon an expression, for kids to get a naked gander at the parent of the opposite sex.

Well, now, wasn't that fun?