Ask Mrs. Linklater "GENDER BENDER" Edition

As time passes and surgery improves, new problems arise in the world of transgender etiquette, as anyone with a concern for excruciatingly correct behavior can well appreciate. So Mrs. Linklater hereby deputizes herself, temporarily, as a member of the well-mannered in an attempt to put some rules in place for revealing just how extreme one's extreme makeover may have been.

Published June 16, 2006
Dear Abby: I recently met a gorgeous woman I'll call "Giselle." After we had dated for a couple of months and became physically involved, she told me she had had gender reassignment surgery and used to be a man! I was, to say the least, shocked and deeply disturbed.

I did not punch out Giselle as I would have liked to -- which brings me to my question. What is the etiquette regarding physically confronting someone like that? Is it the same as hitting a girl?

-- Distressed in Virginia

Dear Distressed: Because Giselle is now a female, it would, indeed, have been the same as hitting a girl. I have a feeling that she was probably more hurt that you stopped seeing her than any physical blow you might have inflicted. As to the "etiquette" regarding hitting her, if you hit someone of either gender, it is assault and battery.

Good point Abby, dear. Luckily we have the Penal Code these days, since the Code of Chivalry is sorely lacking a paragraph on transgender issues. Unfortunately, the matter in question -- can one punch out a woman who used to be a man -- is clearly beside the point on this occasion as far as Mrs. Linklater is concerned.

Although she didn't ask, "Giselle" should have shared her sex change well before her love interest was ever in the upright and locked position. She was lucky. Most men wouldn't write to Dear Abby to ask whether it was proper etiquette to punch her out.

Apparently her time as a man didn't teach "Giselle" about men. She probably thought that her allure as a fully reconstructed female would overcome any concern her lover might experience once they had sex. Typical female. Haaaaaaa. However, she failed to account for the EWWWWWWWWW factor.

EWWWW, you used to be a man. Did I just have sex with a man? EWWWW. I'm not gay. I'm not. I'm not. I like women. You look like a woman. But you used to be a guy? That is so gross. I don't like being fooled. I feel like a fool. EEEEEWWWWWWWW.

Granted if "Giselle" tells men about her transgender status, she will be almost certainly rejected. Initially. However, she may discover that telling the truth may give men time to think it over, get to know her, and decide her former life doesn't matter. And if it does, she can avoid a bad reaction that could some day end her life.

"Distressed," like most men, would surely run away at first. But the same allure that makes "Giselle" a sexy woman could well bring him back. On his own terms.

Isn't that what sex change operations are all about. To stop living a lie? To become the person on the outside that you feel on the inside? So it doesn't make much sense to start telling more lies after the surgery.

On the other hand, Mrs. Linklater realizes that people will do anything to get laid.