Ask Mrs. Linklater "CAN'T GET IT UP" Edition

Mrs. Linklater has learned that there are three truths in any troubled relationship. 1) Nothing is ever your fault. 2) You are the understanding one. 3) They just don't get it. Especially when it comes to sex. And isn't that what everything comes down to between a man and a woman -- sex or no sex?

PUBLISHED June 12, 2006 Chicago Sun-Times

DEAR ELLIE: I'm 55, and I'm dating a 50-year-old who can't really have sex. So when he can't get it going he blames me!

He says I'm too aggressive in bed, but I'm not: I'm sensual. Or I stop, as I have a 20-year-old who might walk in. So I have to know where we're at before we start anything.

We have a great time when we hang out. I'm very jealous -- I'm working on that. I really don't look much older than him, but he does look at other women. I know he'd rather be with someone 35, but in reality he can't even handle someone 55.

I told him we should chill for a while, but I miss him. Please tell me what to do.

--ISSUES

DEAR ISSUES: Chilling will only give you shivers, when it's goose bumps from sex that you really want. You need to talk to your guy about your mutual intentions.

If you want to be together and also have an intimate relationship, you both need to make changes. He has to stop blaming you and see if there's any medical or other cause for his not "getting it going." You have to learn to enjoy the cuddling and foreplay, and arrange some private time when your adult child is either definitely not home or understands that a closed door means privacy.

As for your jealousy and age worries, get over them, or these will form a bigger obstacle between you. Focus on whether you can get what you both want from each other. If you can't, then cool it completely.

Ellie -- the reason you are trying to fix this mess is?

Mrs. Linklater is getting whiplash. First ISSUES says her boyfriend thinks she's too sexually aggressive. Then she turns around and says she stops in the middle of things.

Next she says they have a great time together. Then she says she's jealous.

Next she says he'd rather be with someone 35. Then she says he can't handle her 55 year old self.

Next she suggests they split up for awhile, but now she misses him. Did we mention he's impotent?

Which brings Mrs. Linklater to her question of the week -- WTF? Only a very lonely, I-have-no-life female would want to stay with a guy who blames her for his dysfunctional machine, looks longingly at other women when they're out, and doesn't seem to miss her when they split up.

Love hurts. Learn your lesson. Move on.

Mrs. Linklater's annual moment of sympathy is now over.