Ask Mrs. Linklater "HOT OR NOT" Edition

Apparently, Mrs. Linklater took 2009 off. 
Seeking truth, justice, and a place to lie down for the night, Mrs. Linklater searches the internet for advice column train wrecks she can fix. Today she practically drove into one on her first try. And it's about everyone's favorite topic: the ridiculously high price of milk. Kidding. Today's entry is about the only topic that needs no translation into or out of another language, the universal joint of all earthly communication -- SEX. The fuel that keeps relationships on the road. Or off the road, depending on how tanked you are.

Ripped from the headlines at TALES FROM THE FRONT

Dear Cheryl,

When my fiance and I first began dating, we were hot for one another. I'm still hot for him, but he's turning cold. I hate to jump the gun and assume he's playing around, but he's so disinterested in sex. I'm no nympho, but ...

I'm 30; he's 27. You'd think he'd be at the peak of his prime, but he acts like an old man! I understand he has to wake up at 4 a.m. for work, but he can stay out until midnight with his buddies. That doesn't make sense to me! When I confront him, he says I'm "starting" with him on purpose! What could be his problem? Help me before I do something rash. — STILL HOT HE'S NOT

Dear STILL HOT HE'S NOT,

Do something rash. Give him back his ring. If you're sexually incompatible now, it's not going to get better. If you're not happy now, you'll be miserable later. Consider yourself lucky that you found out before you married him.

Mrs. Linklater jumps up, knocking over that thing you dry your underwear on. Stop the presses!! Or whatever they stop these days, now that no one reads the papers. Mrs. L is trying to get a grip. She's laughing at Cheryl's answer -- in that fake, over the top, exaggerated way you laugh when you think something is so ignorant, you can't believe anybody said it. Hardy har har har. Uh-oh, careful not to soil yourself, Mrs. L.

Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl!!! You are SOOOOOOOO old school. Whadya mean, "Do something rash. . .Give him back his ring"? What planet have you been living on? Do you really think that because this young woman claims to be some bozo's "fiance" that she is in actual possession of a ring? Mrs. Linklater is referring to the kind you put on a finger, as opposed to say, the kind you have to wash out of a bathrub.

These days the best way a guy can get some babe to live with him is to let her pretend they're engaged. Here's how the conversation goes: "I'll only live with you if we're engaged." "Yeah, okay, sure." 

She gets to play house, even have babies. He gets regular noogie and hot meals. Plus nights out with the guys. There's no ring involved. Seriously. Even rich guys don't have to fork out the bling to get thirty something females, whose eggs are closing in on their freshness date, to buy into this little arrangement. And you can rest assured that a 27-year-old mope who has to get up at 4:00 AM for work sure isn't making the kind of money that can purchase his bitch sweetums poopsie a valuable token of his love and affection.   

So, NO, Cheryl, there won't be a ring to throw at his sorry ass. Pans maybe. A Dutch oven, even better. Unfortunately, if she's still HOT for him but he's NOT for her anymore, the best these diva moments can lead to is makeup sex. Mrs. L likes to call these ONE OFFS. One time and off. He knows it'll shut her up for a few more days. Even weeks. "Maybe he still cares for me after all."  

This guy's biggest problem is that he is spoiled. She's made his life easy. If she wants to make a statement, Mrs. Linklater suggests she announce, "I'm moving out tomorrow." She may even get some break up sex before heading out the door. But she can't just move down the street, she has to move out of town. 

Amazing what a wake up call "hasta la bye bye" can be. You can thank me later. Ooops, gotta go, there's a can of tuna with Mrs. Linklater's name on it.