Ask Mrs. Linklater "JAILBAIT" Edition

The following is the last column written by Margo Howard for Slate, the online magazine. She moves to Yahoo to write under her real name MARGO. And somebody else takes over Dear Prudence. Mrs. Linklater can hardly wait. ANOTHER advice column to eviscerate. But in a good way. Oh the thrill of it all!!! By the way, STICK A FORK IN IT was a re-run of a previous post from January 2005. In the interest of full disclosure and the two people who read it when it was originally posted in her AOL journal, Mrs. Linklater's Guide to the Universe, she felt compelled to come clean.

From Dear Prudence in Slate Magazine, February 8, 2005

Dear Prudence,
My young niece secretly eloped with a much older convicted felon during the holidays.

None of the family, including her parents, was aware of it until after the new year. It suddenly occurred to the bride that she missed out on an opportunity to receive some nice wedding presents.

She conned her doting grandparents into hosting and paying for a "wedding" with the white dress, seven bridesmaids, and a barbecue for 100 expected guests. I wouldn't have had a problem had it been billed as a wedding reception, but the invitations were the schmaltzy "you are invited to celebrate the beginning of Jack & Jill's life together" and included business cards from the merchants where she was registered for gifts.

One of the cards even had a dollar figure on it as a minimum gift amount. I declined the invitation, even after the bride's grandmother threatened never to speak to me again if I didn't attend.

I'm all for marital bliss, but not as a fundraiser, and announcing that you won't be my friend if I don't come to your party is a little too much like junior high school for me. Am I being picky?

—Ticked

Dear Tic,
Even with a thesaurus, Prudie is having trouble coming up with a word to apply to a minimum dollar amount written on a merchant's business card enclosed in a party invitation. (We will not even deal with an almost certainly immature bride and the groom's alma mater, as it were.) The odds are good that you are not the only one to look askance at this charade, and that Granny will be threatening quite a few others on the guest list.

—Prudie, indefensibly

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mrs. Linklater regrets that she is unable reply to this advice column calamity because she just wet her panties from laughing so freaking hard.

If this letter to the Prudarama was NOT made up, it should have been. And if it is indeed real, Mrs. L thinks that anyone who has been invited to this train wreck of a wedding and reception should pay the minimum guest rate and absolutely, positively attend.

In a clown suit.