Thursday, January 12, 2006

Ask Mrs. Linklater "ARTFUL FORGER" Edition

You know how when there's a homicide on Law and Order and you don't want to miss any clues about how it went down? But they still trick you? Well, Dear Abby hasn't been watching the re-runs very closely, because this crime scene has more clues than Colonel Mustard in the bathroom with the plunger. Poor dear, Abby had her turn, but she missed the obvious. Thank heavens Mrs. Linklater can smell the sweat of demented, disturbed and difficult to fire employees -- like this one is going to be.

Dear Abby
Published January 11, 2006 Chicago Tribune

Dear Abby: I have owned a business for 13 years. Recently one of my employees forged a customer's check in the amount of $1,000.

I have tried to talk to him and ask why, and I have threatened to go to the police. We have more than just a working relationship. We did a lot of things together outside of work, but never had a sexual relationship.

This man worked for me for more than two years and, other than this crime, was a perfect employee. He insists that he didn't "forge" the check that he had cashed at the customer's bank, and he tries to justify it by saying he felt he "deserved" the "extra" money. I always paid him on time and gave him many extra perks. Please help me.

-- Lost Big-Time in Illinois

Dear Lost Big-Time: Wake up! Your "perfect employee" is a thief, a forger and a sociopath. He may be a charmer -- aren't they all! -- but that's what has enabled him to reach the point he has. For your own emotional well-being and for the sake of your business, please tell the police what you have learned.

Mrs. Linklater laughs so loud she sets off the smoke detector. Beep! Beep! Beep! Abby, open your mouth and swallow a large dose of reality. First of all, the forger's employer may not have had sex with him, but Mrs. L sure bets she was really hoping. Now you're telling her to call the cops and queer the whole deal. She also has to fire him you know.

If she's not careful, she's also going to have one ticked off employee. Mrs. L has one word for her -- POSTAL. How can Mrs. Linklater tell this goof is going to lose it when she rats him out? Because he doesn't think he stole anything. He also thinks he deserved it. And, besides, he knows she wants sex.

Meanwhile, like most women in the grip of their hormones, all she's done so far is whine, "Why did you do this? Like she can fix him. If he said THE DEVIL MADE ME DO IT, she'd probably feel relieved and say, "Oh, well, that explains everything." Then let that $1000 misunderstanding slide.

So, go ahead and give her a wake up call to get in touch with the cops. But while they're on their way over, she should also change the locks on the office doors, hire a security guard, get a restraining order, and consider moving her business to a different state in the middle of the night. She has to be willing to face the guy in court, too. It's ain't going to be pretty. Crime punishes the victims as much as the perps.

P.S. Betcha forging $1000 check isn't a big time crime, either, so this mope will be out and about very soon. And, depending on how big a sociopath is he, the guy could come after his former boss.

Meanwhile, here's what's really going to happen. This babe is such a ditz, she'll think she can save this sicko. She won't report the theft. She'll let the guy keep the money. But she says he better not do it again. They end up having sex. It's not as good as she thought it would be. She gets pregnant. He forges another check. She gets mad and says I told you not to do it again. He threatens to kill her if she reports him. They get married instead.

It could happen.


2 comments:

dreaminglily said...

Ouch... and true lol

Anonymous said...

How in the world do you know my X daughter in law and the jerk (former employee) that she married? Happens everyday. It only cost me money. Anne