Ask Mrs. Linklater "NOT GETTIN' ANY" Edition

Hey -- a brand, spanking new Ask Mrs. Linklater!! She can hardly contain herself.


Mrs. Linklater loves it when men are totally oblivious to their obliviousness. Especially about sex, where obivion seems to be the operative word.

For some reason, after all those articles in Cosmo, some men still think they can do no wrong. As long as they're satisfied, they assume she will be satisfied.

That's why when a man's wife doesn't want to have sex, he assumes there's something wrong with HER. As long as he's got the equipment and knows where it goes -- what's the problem?

It's the old, BLAME THE VICTIM tactic. Apparently our intrepid advice mavin, Cheryl, is willing to blame the victim too. Once again Mrs. L has to give up reading a magazine on the toilet to prevent yet another advice column calamity. Oh, great there's no toilet paper.

Tales from the Front -- Published January 2, 2006
Chicago Tribune

Dear Cheryl: I've learned that spouses can cheat without engaging in physical contact or even going to chat rooms. It's called avoidance.

My wife has been a TV addict and avid video watcher for the last 15 years. She claims she's an insomniac and needs the TV to put her asleep. Intercourse is out because (a) the act no longer makes her sleepy, and (b) once she's finished watching TV, about 2 or 3 a.m., I'm already sleeping. If I somehow force myself to stay awake to wait for her, she promptly falls asleep before anything can happen.

When I suggest the morning as an alternative time for intercourse, she says she can't force herself to get up.

But if she has some early-morning shopping to do with a relative, she's up and ready to go. (By the way, before we had a video recorder, she spent an inordinate amount of time at night paying bills and reading newspapers.)

Yet, she's home every night, has never come home late or had any unexplained absences. I don't have the extra money to hire a detective agency to track her daily whereabouts. I've inquired, and they charge about $100 an hour. Anytime I bring up the subject of her cheating, she denies that there's a problem. Any thoughts?

-- If This Isn't Cheating, I Don't Know What Is!

Dear ITICIDKWI! It doesn't sound like cheating to me. Not if it has been going on for more than 15 years! I think your wife is avoiding sex for other reasons. You need to turn off the TV and ask her what the problem is.

Don't accuse her of cheating, simply ask her why she doesn't want to make love with you.

Is it a physical problem? Has she been to her gynecologist lately? Is it an emotional or psychological problem? Is it something she wants to discuss with a therapist? Is there something specific she doesn't like about your technique? (If she can even remember what your technique is!) Ask her what she thinks you're supposed to do about your sexual needs.

I think you need to do a lot of talking and less accusing. Please keep me informed.


Yo, Cheryl, his wife doesn't have a physical problem, except the problems he is giving her about not doing it enough. Forget the OBY-GYN. too. Since when do those people have a clue about sex -- they are in the business of making babies, not teaching how to make the act of making babies more fun.

The key word our deprived hubby uses is "intercourse." Unfortunately too many men think that quality sex equals plenty of "intercourse." For a large number of women, the ability of intercourse to give her the same pleasure he gets is less than zero.

Mrs. Linklater thinks that all men should be required to learn how to satisfy a woman without intercourse. That goes double for guys who use Viagra. If you can't please her without it, what makes you think you can please her with it. Get on, get in, get out is no longer acceptable noogie. Unless you're leaving a nice sum of money on the dresser. Mrs. L actually knew a couple who did that. That's correct, they are no longer married.

The only intercourse allowed in Mrs. Linklater's class would be social intercourse. Nothing like having a nice conversation or whispering seductive things in her ear like 'If you do this for me, I will [FILL IN THE BLANK[." Wash the dinner dishes all week. Clean the kitty litter. Walk the dog. Anything she has to do that she hates to do.

To paraphrase JFK, "Ask not what your wife can do for you; ask what you can do for your wife." Even better, just do it. Do what? Take the basket of dirty clothes down to the laundry room. Works better than candles and rose petals on the bed. Mrs. Linklater is not kidding. The sexiest thing a husband can do for his wife may be replacing the toilet paper roll WITHOUT BEING ASKED.

Horny hubbies across America could get laid on a more regular basis -- just by running a bath for their wives and putting the kids to bed.

Oh, and it would also help BIG TIME if husbands-who-are-tired-of-excuses took more time to learn about the art of sex, instead of just the location of the plumbing. Couldn't hurt.

Next week Mrs. Linklater discusses men who only touch their wives when they want sex, entitled "Is this for free?"