Ask Mrs. Linklater "WEIGHTY PROBLEM" Edition

Mrs. Linklater acknowledges that love is a mysterious thing. Like most people, she has yet to figure it out, but that has never prevented her from falling into it a few times.

Luckily, her complete lack of understanding regarding this subject will not keep her from having an opinion for the following lovestruck young woman, whose object of affection just wants to be friends. Or as we say in the relationship bidness, "Touch me and you die."

Does trained professional advice giver Prudie give this poor soul a clue? After four [yep, F-O-U-R] marriages you'd think she'd have some idea. Nope. The Prude just shrugs her shoulders, throws up her hands and says, "Sorry, not my problem. I don't do no love potions." Or something to that effect.

Thank goodness Mrs. Linklater is willing to step up to the plate. Bases loaded. Two outs. Full count.



Dear Prudie,
I've had a good guy friend for over two years. I never thought I believed in such nonsense, but it was love at first sight for me. We have the same values, interests, and we also have some of the same racial background. I have never had a friend like him. We have both changed considerably for the better since we met. I love him very much and he has caught on and said we must remain just friends. I was upset and assumed it was because I am overweight (so is he, actually) and he said the most astonishing thing: "It's nothing physical, it's the chemistry. It's just not there." I didn't understand that. Chemistry? At first I thought it was hopeless; you can't make a man love you. But then I thought of all the men who've won women's hearts. I suppose my question is, How does a woman "woo"a man?
—Waiting for Love

Dear Wait,
Cyrano de Bergerac aside, this is an esoteric if not impenetrable question. The concept of "chemistry," difficult to pin down, does have one aspect that is knowable: It is reciprocity. Chemistry may be thought of as one set of protoplasm/hormones/genes calling out to another; a kind of mutual attraction. Men do woo women, but these situations involve a woman who is amenable to being wooed. And vice versa, of course; women do woo men, but chemistry, my dear, is the one thing you cannot inject into a relationship and the one thing without which it cannot go forward.
—Prudie, regretfully



Mrs.L steps away from the cauldron. Face it Prudential, you've missed the boat on this one with your protoplasms and vice versas. Mrs. Linklater, the queen of walking on quicksand, has a surefire. guaranteed, no fail method to inject a boatload o' chemistry into this twosome:

LOSE THE WEIGHT.

Ta-da. I'm here for ya, people. When he says it's nothing physical. He means physically, you're doing nothing for him. You want a chemical reaction from him? Get your body chemistry working for you, sis.

Oh, what?!! You people think she should be acceptable just the way she is? How PC of you. Well, our little plumpette IS acceptable -- but only as a FATFRIEND. If she wants to ratchet that friendship up to having her love object ready to jump her bones, she's gonna have to perform some math on her equation-- subtract the weight. Lose the L.B.'s. Fight the fat. Ditch the double chin. Dump the dimples in your butt.

Can Mrs. Linklater be any more explicit? Get over being overweight. Get it off. And get your man.

Unless, of course, he's gay.